MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Dan Stanford was accused of derailing date night at an upscale restaurant after he spent most of the evening gazing longingly at the dive bar across the street, patrons have reported.
“I’m really trying to be in the moment and enjoy dinner, truly! It’s not my fault I have a clear view of the alluring neon beer signs beckoning me inside. You think I want to ...
2024-01-06 17:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
Meet Ashley Hightower, a 28 year-old-college graduate from an upper-middle-class family. Like a lot of us, she has severe anxiety, but she manages that with her coping mechanism of choice, which is having chronic IBS that she carries with her everywhere.
Ashley has lived alongside this enabling affliction for nearly a decade and, despite the mess she makes in every public bathroom she ent...
2024-01-06 15:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
LOS ANGELES — Local self-described “elder emo” Jasper Berkeley, 37, turned down the volume to his car stereo playing Taking Back Sunday’s 2002 classic “Cute Without The ‘E’ (Cut From The Team)” in a knee-jerk reaction when stopped at a red light next to a Jeep full of teenagers, snickering sources confirmed.
“It wasn’t that I was embarrassed or anything. Yeah I could s...
2024-01-06 13:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
LOS GATOS — Netflix co-CEO Ted Sarandos announced today the streaming service is expanding on the “Skip Intro” button by introducing a “Skip to Where Series Gets Good” button, according to a press release.
“We did research and found that 80% of the time members weren’t looking at the screen during episodes which were often referred &n...
2024-01-06 07:10:44 +0000 UTC View Post
Hello, my friends and loved ones! Thank you for reading this open letter. I have some news I’m very excited to share with you all, and I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear it:
As your token autistic friend, I’ve moved on to a new special interest, and it is an even more obscure and impenetrable video game than the last! That’s right, the latest media pro...
2024-01-06 00:11:02 +0000 UTC View Post
DUXBURY, Mass. — Local punk Danny Coulstring was shocked to learn that the somewhat popular satire news publication The Hard Times was not funded by the owner’s parents and launched a Patreon to encourage support from its readers, confirmed sources.
“I was confused when I saw that The Hard Times was having ...
2024-01-05 19:03:00 +0000 UTC View Post
TULSA, Okla. — Local folk singer John “Ramblin’ Gamblin’” Shandling, age 41, took a firm stance against chronic foot pain by scrawling “This Machine Kills Plantar Fasciitis” on each of his orthopedic shoes, several Steinbeckian sources report.
“Plantar Fasciitis is the biggest threat to all us folks who are fortunate enough to be able to walk on our own two feet. And as lo...
2024-01-05 15:00:14 +0000 UTC View Post
This certainly isn’t good. You’ve been left alone to watch the cart, and your turn at the cashier is rapidly approaching. But you don’t have money, you’re just a kid, and if something doesn’t change soon you are going to cry so much the store will flood. Your dad said he only needed to quickly grab some bread and that he would be right back, but you see through that bullshit. You know...
2024-01-05 13:30:01 +0000 UTC View Post
AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of his records get repressed, confirmed multiple sources on Discogs.
“I looked at the numbers and having a 401K, Roth IRA, home equity, or even a solid savings account are not as valuable as having an original ‘Chung King Can Suck It.’ I...
2024-01-05 12:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
Orlando, FL – In a surprising change of plans, the Walt Disney Company has greenlit a Kingdom Hearts attraction for Orlando’s EPCOT Resort, according to reports. The ride, canonically taking place between Kingdom Hearts Coded and Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance, is expected to have a four hour pre-show leading up to a 3 minute and 15 second ride.
In A D23 exclusive event, Josh D’...
2024-01-05 08:38:26 +0000 UTC View PostWow. It looks like the community has effectively saved the sites. Thanks so much for the boosts, retweets, kind words. We had such low expectations for a patreon and are so overwhelmed with the support.
On Jan 1 our ad rates were cut by about 60% (seasonal ad spending). We panicked. After struggling to figure things out and other plans not working we thought it was over over. Th...
The road to success is not traveled in the backseat, it’s traveled with you in the driver’s seat, or perhaps walked by foot, or maybe in a car where you use your feet like Fred Flintstone. Either way, it means that the one who is doing it has to be you.
Before my financial woes were behind me I spent years living rough. I was working various jobs that caused calluses on my hands, spen...
2024-01-04 22:30:01 +0000 UTC View Post
BALTIMORE — Local bachelor Dennis Howell has been wearing the same hat for the entirety of his adult life because a girl said it looked cool 15 years ago, concerned and exasperated sources confirmed.
“When you discover such an iconic look for yourself, you need to celebrate it every day,” said Howell as he waved a steam wand over the battered cabby hat he purchased before he was abl...
2024-01-04 22:20:00 +0000 UTC View Post
BOSTON — Local punk Patricia "Peg Leg" Sullivan made a massive pledge of $20,000 per month to the recently launched Hard Times Patreon after randomly guessing a valid credit card number, confirmed Hard Times administrators hoping fraud alerts aren't triggered.
"I woke up pretty hungover and the first thing I sa...
2024-01-04 19:55:47 +0000 UTC View Post
Bethesda has announced that classic glitches and bugs from previous Bethesda Softworks titles will be available to purchase in Starfield as ‘Legacy Quirks’ under the Creations banner.
“Bugs and glitches have always been a core part of the Bethesda experience,” said Bethesda Games Studios Director, Todd Howard as part of the announcement, “and despite our dedication to making Sta...
2024-01-04 16:49:18 +0000 UTC View Post
BIG FLATTS, N.Y. — 51-year-old nu-metal fan Ricky Clud recently expressed that Saliva's early 2000s classic “Click Click Boom'' was the secret to getting hyped up for his prostate exam, several crudely tattooed sources report.
“Before I hit the big 5-0, I was quite the badass. I'd always rock out to Saliva before getting drunk at the bowling alley picking fights, getting drunk a...
2024-01-04 16:16:29 +0000 UTC View PostThank you for your support. Please let us know what you'd like to see us focus on for Patrons.
2024-01-04 07:48:07 +0000 UTC View Post
Shopping website Temu has been trending lately for a few different reasons. Some people are calling it the new Wish.com after discovering items they purchased were not quite as advertised when they arrived. Others are complaining about the high volume of emails they’re getting from the site.
One man recently placed an order for a Playstation 5 being advertised on the site for the low pr...
2024-01-04 07:41:43 +0000 UTC View Post
TAMPA, FLORIDA — The family and friends of Gertrude Horowitz were devastated this morning to discover a semi-transparent button floating above the matriarch’s head prompting them to press “E to Interact”
“I was sitting by her hospital bed, eating breakfast and waiting for her to wake up. Some other family was meant to be coming later today,” said her son, Davi...
2024-01-04 07:37:44 +0000 UTC View PostNew stuff coming soon. Thank you all for the support.
2023-04-25 06:22:15 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys share some special goodies and treats to celebrate their big season finale. And since you’re a patron, you get… well, the same as everybody else this time! Because it’s a celebration! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s...
2022-08-16 14:29:02 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys jam with some Gen Xers and prepare for their very special 150th episode. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “THE LEGENDARY WHORE OF PALATINE HIGH”.
Finally...
2022-08-09 18:05:23 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Edgar and Ty mourn the generation we lost to downtempo indie music before reflecting on that time AC/DC rocked about rock. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “BENZOATE IS O...
2022-07-27 11:01:02 +0000 UTC View PostOn this week’s episode of Fanboys, Edgar and Diego launch their “all Shrek all the time” podcast and do math at the grocery store. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “BENZOATE IS OFTEN USED AS A FOOD PRE...
2022-07-19 14:39:36 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Ty and Diego take in the crisp mountain air and explore the good parts of Americana while staying far, FAR away from the bad parts. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “SHAK...
2022-07-12 11:00:01 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys gaze the hell out of some shoes and get to the bottom of that whole “white Bronco” situation. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “MIGHT AS WELL SWITCH OVER TO ...
2022-07-05 11:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys shoot down the gods of blues and beat up a poor sad singer-songwriter. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “CYST LICKER”.
Finally, be sure to check out this...
2022-06-21 11:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, the boys podcast from the top of a trippy mountain and disagree a bunch. Go figure. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “THE SPICE MUST FLOW”.
Finally, be sure to ch...
2022-06-08 11:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Edgar reasserts the podcast hierarchy, and the boys trip balls to an industrial music video. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “DON’T TRIFLE WITH ME, DIEGO”.
Fin...
2022-05-31 11:00:01 +0000 UTC View Post
On this week’s episode of Fanboys, Ty and Diego mishear lyrics, do some spring reverb detective work, and miss their friend and boss Edgar terribly. And since you’re a patron, you get… more! Lucky you!
As always, if you want to guarantee a spot on the show, send some music to
hardtimesfanboys@gmail.com and be sure to include this week’s code phrase: “SERGEANT MARYYYYYY”....
2022-05-24 11:00:00 +0000 UTC View Post