What does it mean to be dominant?

Years ago, at a play-party, there was a couple I didn’t previously know who showed up together. It was the kind of party where everyone had their role declared so before they came inside and started to mingle, I asked them.

“So, which one of you is the dom and which one is the sub?” I asked.

“Obviously, I am the dom,” the man said to me.

I laughed it off. I told him that just because one wears black that doesn’t automatically mean they are the dominant. He did not find my joke funny. Later, his partner and I were sitting on the balcony, just winding down and having a joint, when she started to talk about the incident.

“It’s so weird that you had to ask us that question,” she said.

“Why is it weird?” I asked, “How was I supposed to know?”

“Well, it’s obvious, no?” she said, clearly perturbed I wasn’t seeing what she was, “You can just tell that he is the dom.”

Over time, I have encountered several versions of this indignance at the insinuation that the dominant partner (usually I’ve observed it with men) may be the submissive. Some of it is just sexism and heteronormativity, the idea that in a heterosexual couple it is obvious that the man is the dominant partner is just a thoughtless re-application of archaic gender norms, but there is often more to it as well. The notion that it should be obvious who is dominant in a relationship is contingent upon behavioural and personality traits that are associated with dominance. You know how some people talk about being “natural” dominants? They describe themselves as such. When I’ve asked people who they mean by that they usually say it means they are confident, able to take charge of situations, intelligent, alphas (and more frequently nowadays, sigmas) and such. The problem is that without the alpha/sigma of it, I can say that about myself too. I am confident and I am able to take charge of situations. Does that make me a dominant? Because let me tell you, no. Most of the traits they share in explanation of “natural” dominance are positive, but there is also behaviour that I (and maybe you?) have observed when it comes to this natural dominance (and okay, definitely not all people who describe themselves as such behave in this way, but it’s enough that there is a trend) that is not so positive.

Social “dominant” behaviour (and again, a lot of it is the men behaving like this, there are others, but it is a lot of men) tends to be arrogance, throwing your weight around, inserting yourselves into people’s spaces, using your role as credibility in discussions so as to be regarded as an authority, frequent reminders of your dominant status, toxic power-based beliefs unleased indiscriminately unto all people in their ambit. I don’t believe that this is dominant behaviour, I believe that this behaviour has become associated with dominance to a point where those who do not exhibit it are questioned or even excluded. A friend of mine, who identifies as top/dom, was fairly reserved about admitting he wanted to top because whenever he did, the people around him immediately started to discuss that he didn’t show dominant traits. He also grew to associate these traits with the people around him who did identify as dominant, leading him to develop a distaste of dominance in general and some level of bitterness about allowing himself to be excluded on the basis of the ideology of others. I saw it all play out before my eyes and I see exactly how this happened. It also happens to my spouse, in a different way.

He can be an insufferably cocky fuck about some things, but socially, with other people around (outside of a socio-sexual situation) he does not exhibit dominance. He is very helpful, he will always walk your dog for you and offer to be the one who brings water from the kitchen or answers the doorbell. He is also very unassuming and laid-back, if you’re hanging out with him in a group of seven, he will become one with the couch. You could talk for hours, you wouldn’t hear him. He’ll interject once or twice, but for the most part, he doesn’t feel the need or desire to have his opinion heard on most matters. He admits to not knowing things readily and with ease. He is never going to leap up to take charge of a situation unless it is an emergency or the situation is medical in nature. As a result, a lot of people question his dominance. Some of it is idle-curiosity: Are you really the top in this relationship? Some of it is a bit more suspicious: It’s hard to believe you are the dominant in this relationship. Some of it is malicious: I am sure she secretly runs the show and you just let her top from the bottom because it makes you look good. Some of it is because of how they view me too, I don’t get viewed as submissive either, and when they place the two of us together and measure on the dominance scale, I probably exhibit more socially dominant behaviour. Which is weird too. I understand that we measure the success of parents by the behaviour of their children, but that’s weird enough without bringing that energy to power-exchange and sex. I’m not playing some “submissive represents the dominant” game. Fuck off.

I think a part of the problem is that the word “dominant” means something else as a trait of behaviour/personality and something else as a role in BDSM but the latter does borrow meaning and arise from the former and so it is easy for meaning to be muddled. Especially because “dominant” as a role does not really have a lot of specific meaning, more like a tonne of connotation instead. When I say I identify as a dominant, it really only means that is the role I take in my relationships/encounters with partners within a BDSM subculture, it doesn’t really include what it means to be dominant, but roles like that, they tend to gather lore, tradition and meaning all on their own quite quickly and some of the meaning is borrowed from the social tradition of dominance. In that, to be dominant, a lot of people replicate patterns that they see as dominance socially and those behaviours often tend to be egoistic, imposing displays of an imagined hierarchical superiority. To me, dominance in this context is the directed display of a negotiated and clearly established hierarchy within that hierarchy for whatever nature of pleasure those parties that have agreed to it get from it. There is no innately dominant behaviour outside of the dynamic that exists between the parties in question.

But I do understand that sometimes when you see your partner as dominant, the desire that others must see it too could arise. I don’t feel it myself but I do see it around me. It’s why the woman on the balcony wanted me to acknowledge that her partner’s dominance was obvious. If she sees the dominance in him, everyone should. I sort of get how this could happen. In my relationship with my partner, 90% of what I see of him is the dominance but that’s a private, intimate space between us. Most relationships take place mostly in private. As a person, I am very public? At least, in the sense that I will talk about anything but most people are not like that, and my partner, for instance, reserves most of his personality for relationships he considers consequential and important. What I see of him socially, is a morsel, what other people see of him socially, is all they know about him, and in that, it is obvious that I will see him as a function of what he does to me and they will as a function of what they see of him. To me, he is cruel, controlling and strategically tender. To them, he is quiet, laid-back and passive. That’s not a problem until him or I start to become insecure about the image. In that insecurity, we start to seek the validation of others and of the community, and that can be detrimental to your actual relationship.

To tell the truth, all of it is fine if it is fine for you, and for the most part I deconstruct semantics for the recreation of it but it starts to irk me when those who identify as dominants are insulted by the insinuation that they may be submissive. Seriously, get over it. We are all taking chosen roles here and in that there is a deep equality and egalitarianism to this space. I am submissive because that is the role I choose not because I am inherently inferior as a human. You are dominant because that is the role you choose and not because you are inherently superior as a human. Unless the misidentification is deliberate and malicious of intent, you’re not being called a dirty word when someone asks whether you are dominant or submissive (or both). No one owes it to you to know that about you or to assess it based on what you think is your naturally dominant behaviour. It’s not obvious and when you say that the only thing that is obvious is your biases.