Prolonged Play and Aftercare.

Within power-exchange relationships, we generally talk of two approaches to interplay—scene-based and dynamic-based—but I find it a bit difficult to explain what I really like within the confines of this binary set of choices. I understand that the intention is to define the scope of the power-exchange within a relationship. In a relationship where scene-based interplay is the norm, the defined conventions of power extend only to the stipulated time of play and in dynamic-based interplay they extend beyond it (to whichever sphere you want), and on that front, I can comfortably say that I engage in dynamic-based relationships. Within a dynamic, there are two types of engagement that occur for me. The first can only be defined as play (which to me is a sexual space, but also an active one, someone is doing something to someone else), and the second is about engagement meant to reinforce or exist within a dynamic (which is also sexual to me, but not so much to my partner, and is not necessarily as active, it tends to be more habitual, protocol-oriented and communicative). That’s not so complex, I think you could basically break any relationship down to these functions, and observe how they seamlessly transition from one to the other, but the point at which it gets a bit complicated for me is prolonged play.

So, primarily, I would describe my approach to fetishism as an affinity for prolonged play interspersed with phases of low-play, high dynamic-engagement. I know that no one asked but if I didn’t break things down for recreation what would I even do with my computer. When I think of scenes/sessions as a concept (especially ones that don’t occur within a dynamic), I think of them as having a clear beginning, middle and end. It’s easy to tell when it starts, when it is ongoing and when it ends, and usually, it ends with aftercare. Whereas when it comes to prolonged play (especially within a dynamic), it is much harder to tell these things, and the hardest, perhaps, to determine when and how aftercare should be delivered/received.

I don’t know how established a term “prolonged-play” really is, I’ve used it for a while but I’ve never really attempted to define it until now. There are a few things I think of when I say prolonged play:

- It’s not one really long scene, it tends to last for at least one day, and if often designed in a way that some elements of life could continue through it.

- There is usually a central condition to it, like in being imprisoned for a week, the imprisonment is the central condition. In a very different, but just as valid form of prolonged play, you may decide that you are going to beat someone’s breasts every day for a period of ten days (for xyz reason, or not), and in that the central condition is different but it exists.

- There is usually a time-period that can be identified as heightened engagement even when the length of the period may be unknown to one or more parties.

- It is not a constant state of active engagement (ie: someone doing something to someone else), but the central condition is always active, constantly enforced and role-based expression of the dynamic by all parties is in high-gear even when there is no active play. To explain, even when one is not actively beating me or torturing me when imprisoned, I remain imprisoned, and as part of that, I continue to go through the condition placed on me in perpetuity. Unlike imprisonment there could be a less pervasive condition, but it also remains active within me.

- It is not the same thing as your ongoing dynamic, I sometimes think of it as boot-camp, where basically you take everything you do, condense it into an acute phase and turn the volume up to blaring.

Functionally, it kind of works out as the following:

- It requires more time than other forms of play and due to its encompassing nature, it requires me to plan to have that time available or, if it’s sudden onset, the ability to make the time to devote to it. It also requires a longer period of recovery.

- It is physically and emotionally demanding because it tends to be a period of intensity and of frequent scenes. Functionally, you could view it as scores of mini-scenes over the course of days or weeks, with an optional emotional/mental construct.

- In theory, it sounds doable to a lot of people to plan scenes like this because they focus on the pleasure or emotion of it, but in practise, it involves working out a lot of logistics in advance and evaluating oneself for the ability to remain committed to the process for a stipulated period of time (and of course you could retain the right to nope-out of it if that is what you prefer). For instance, when you play imprisonment with someone, you need to think about toilet-access, water-supply, explaining the absence of the person from the lives of people who know them, and you also have to contend with whether as the imprisoner, you are capable of emotionally handle doing that to someone.

- Also in theory, a lot of people believe that they can sustain that kind of approach towards one another for a longer period of time, but in practise, even for the most badass or seasoned players, there are moments in between when you need an ebb and flow. That is where this question of after-care (or just care, in general) comes in.

Obviously, when we talk of aftercare, we agree that it should be based on the needs of the parties involved not necessarily based on a template, but there are some forms of play where it is hard even for the parties involved to tell what it is they desire, what is not, what is okay, what is counter-productive and what is necessary.

There are several ways in which aftercare plays out for me in this scenario, but before that, aftercare really seems like an inadequate and somewhat misleading term for it so I will use the term “restorative practises” instead. In no small part because I do find that the care for this type of play (at least) needs to be less defined by the timing. There are parts of it that occur prior to the play, parts of it that occur during and parts that come after, but what they all have in common is the process of restoration and care, of being able to manage the ability of all parties to go through what they want to and have the support that they may need for it. One of the things that influences the nature of care required is that with play like this I tend to process it differently in its entirety as an experience, and in individual parts as it is happening, so what I need also differs accordingly, as does whether it will be provided. To be able to discuss this better, I’ll do it in points:

Pre-Scene Care

Usually, when we plan on doing any form of prolonged play, we don’t really do it spontaneously, we decided based on our jobs, parental responsibilities and ability to make the time, not all of it is as encompassing as each other but it will eventually take it out of you. When I say pre-scene care, I am not talking about the process of negotiating or planning the event logistically. I am talking about preparing oneself emotionally, and one’s relationship, to be able to do this. A few things can happen:

- A suspension of communication practises leading to feelings of isolation for the top or bottom. I am accustomed to processing things out loud with my partner, but within certain constructs of play, this is not really allowed.

- Suspension of daily rituals of care, love, time spent together etc. You may sleep in bed together every day, and not for this period of time, and especially in a relationship where you do not get a lot of time with one another, it may feel like you are choosing the play at the cost of other forms of love, affection or interplay.

- Prior to most play, especially most intense and longer play, we tend to experience excitement, nervousness, fear or arousal, all of which are emotions that keep one from being able to think about what happens when those feelings of headiness give way to other feelings like longing, sadness, betrayal, helplessness or discomfort. For me, emotional pre-scene care focuses on discussing fears, possibilities and reservations regarding such things.

Mid-Scene Care

This is a bit more complicated. The general tendency with prolonged play (for me) is that the construct within which it takes place is usually reductive, punitive, cruelty-focused or extremely physically demanding, but each day, there is a point when, at least, the active physical duress stops. It could be when I sleep, when I have to stop to work or because we reached a physical limit for that moment, and at that point of temporary stoppage, do you reach for restorative practises or not? On the one hand, it sometimes makes it harder to go back to the construct, and on the other hand, it’s sometimes required to enable one to keep going. It’s hard to say definitively, so I will tell you that various things that have happened and I have observed:

- There is usually a point, when both or either party, yearns for respite of some kind. I can feel that moment as a strange taste in my mouth. I have found it beneficial, at times, to incorporate a touchstone-activity every day (like going to the gym, walking your dog, taking your morning coffee on the terrace, anything you do every day), it is not an activity we do together, but it is one that makes us feel like our lives are still familiar to us.

- Sometimes, usually at or around the mid-point, a little mid-scene care helps. It’s like calling pause, but not entirely, there is no checking-in, no debriefing, nothing that takes us out of our roles or the construct, but there is either some tenderness, some unexpected dispensation of privileges or some act of kindness (like making me a pot of tea or bringing me my favourite snack). It is momentary and, usually, it is represented in such a way that it reminds me to be grateful for it.

- Any physical care that is required, particularly first-aid or medical in nature, is built into the processed of mid-scene care. Sometimes, it may be about cleaning wounds and sometimes it may be about ensuring a certain degree of fresh-air as part of the process.

- One of the other things is that denial of care is sometimes part of the play, and I guess, that can be a little hard for some people to swallow, but I bring it up to explain that sometimes within a system of restorative practises, the denial of potential mid-scene care is not neglect, but a form of emotional sadomasochism.

Post Scene-Crash

I titled this post-scene crash instead of care because this is the point at which I struggle the most to understand whether the scene has really ended and where we should go from here. Usually, with shorter scenes, I tend to need some time to get to aftercare, if at all I go there. Within my dynamic with my partner, it’s hard to neatly provide a structure of play and care, sometimes they co-exist, and sometimes they don’t, and that’s because in general, we know when we need to communicate our needs. We will almost always debrief, usually a day later, but when it comes to prolonged play, a day is too little time to process the entire experience. A day is not even enough time to go back to baseline, and so when there is a clean ending, it actually feels like falling off a cliff. It feels like walking ten kilometers to get to a door, opening it and finding a wall. Usually, for my top, at this point, there is the desire to immediately connect with me, and for me, there is a complete inability to function as a person in a relationship, and that means, in that period, our needs are completely different. It is difficult to provide a right answer for what to do in such a situation, but with us, we tend to prioritize need based on whose situation is more dire. For me, I appreciate being left alone, to engage in some kind of parallel play and to let me process. He prefers to engage in affectionate light-hearted banter, physical affection and immediate emotional expression. There are parts I can do, I can be there for him to talk about what he feels, and there are parts I cannot do, like be there to hug and cuddle. We compromise.

Delayed Care

The actual “aftercare” tends to happen in a delayed manner. The longest it has ever been for me is a month, because that is how long it took. At this moment of delayed aftercare, there will usually be a process of debriefing and discussion that has already been underway for a few days. There will be some degree of relaxation in the intensity of the dynamic and it will lead, finally, to some kind of emotional explosion (not the destructive kind), often in the form of a tear-laden breakdown. It’s hard to anticipate when this will happen and so it is hard to prepare for it. Sometimes, it has also happened that I have to hold it together until I have the time and space to let it out and that should be factored into the risk assessment for such a thing.

Post-Processing Care

I say care but it is actually about something else. There are some things we do with our partners that lead to us uncovering layers of them, of seeing them as capable of things that may be surprising. For instance, for me, discovering that my partner is able to retain a sustained state of cruelty towards me for weeks at a time, was startling. It permanently altered what I think of as his limits, and I think, for him, that was also new information. The danger of this kind of new information is that sometimes you could enjoy what happened but not know if you can live with it. Or, at least, it alters how you approach your entire dynamic. It’s not necessarily bad, but it is sometimes, challenging.

Lingering Effects

The effects of certain kinds of play linger forever. Sometimes in the process of creating erotic magic, you may also create new fears, new triggers and new limits. As a consequence of a form of prolonged play, I have a permanent water-insecurity. I cannot engage, even think about, being more than 2-feet from my water bottle. That was unprecedented but it is now a permanent form of care I do require when I am in a state where my water-fulfilment needs are dependent on my top. Those kinds of things can happen when you engage in certain types of play.

Yet, it feels worth it because it feels like I am creating the type of life experiences it is otherwise impossible to curate. I do feel the desire to get to a state of accumulated suffering and prolonged play is the only thing that has ever come close to satiating the itch. It’s just a lot of trust, devotion and planning.