Sexual Piety.

I've always felt that in another life I could have been extremely pious. I have no god in this one and unfortunately the political reality and inherent chastity of religion keeps me from engaging in any way. I have no faith, and I see no reason to have any when the reality of most religion is oppression, vote-bank politics, meaningless ritualism and patriarchal nonsense. I see no reason to believe in a just and fair god or a system of creation that makes no scientific sense whatsoever. However, when I say I feel a desire for piety I am not talking about those things anyway. Very rarely, I meet people who seem genuinely pious, removed from the murky reality of religious belief, and focused instead on being reverent. Whatever they call the object (or subject) of their devotion matters much less than what they are in reference to that object — Smaller.

It's not a smallness that reduces human experience or existence, no, it's a smallness that acknowledges the vastness of everything else. It's a referential smallness. An acknowledgement that something around them, whether that is denoted by a singular idol or a concept like humanity, is bigger than them (and it doesn't have to be supernatural or inexplicable with reason, you don't have to not understand something to devote yourself to it). It's the sort of thing that brings you to your knees, not because you want to display your devotion or because you want to make a show out of being self-effacing, but because that position is part of the communication. It's like sex (the penetrative kind), the position in which you do it says something about the nature of sexual activity that you are indulging in; the way you position your body speaks, and is part of how you communicate with the person you are with. Something about reverence demands lowering yourself to the ground. Whenever I meet these people, I find I am envious of them because I do not possess the lack of pride and ego that really allows you to view yourself this way. I'd like to, and I try, but I am not there yet. Maybe I won't ever be there.

However, this need I have, I express it sexually. It's part of my sexuality. It's part of my sexuality in two ways: Responsive and Declarative (because why not turn hot, weird sex into a textbook and make it hotter).  

The responsive part is how I sometimes feel about things. Sometimes when I am walking, and it is raining, and I look at the world around me, I have an almost painful desire to get on my knees and pray to something. It's not a prayer that is meant to ask for something or really even one that's said in gratitude, it's one that acknowledges that I am no longer the centre of my own world and perhaps there isn't even a centre, but there are things that give life meaning and joy, and I want to silently focus on them (without even really enjoying them) for a moment. It's a feeling that makes me want to cry but the tears are an orgasm? Does that make any sense? I mean, I would be crying from my eyes but the sentiment causing the tears would be coming from my cunt. In its entirety the industry of constant devotion (at least conceptually), the one that houses nuns and monks seems very erotic to me (and it's not the bastardised pornographic version of it that I find erotic, it's the intensity of devotion like that, the kind that allows you to really design your life around it and believe that truly gives it purpose). Perhaps this is merely my innermost longing for a life where I am not constantly suffering an existential crisis while simultaneously pretending things like that are stupid, but it is what it is.

The declarative version is much more straightforward, much more physical and much easier to judge as idiotic. I give myself to the people I truly love as if they are god. I know, you want to slap me, I want to slap me when I say things like that too but please take solace in the fact that I recognise that, and always have, and as a result I actively ensure that I am being regularly slapped. However let me just express an unpopular, slightly condescending and prideful reason why sexuality like that seems over-the-top (when in reality anything less than that is pretty fucking basic), it's because way too many of us spend way too much of our lives dealing with the social implications of sex and our sexualities leading to years of repression, self-denial, unhappy relationships and when we finally free ourselves of that we indulge so loudly it seems over-the-top, even though it's really coming from the same place that all sexuality resides. That being said I do recognise the danger, especially when people play master and servant, of saying things like that. It's not a great idea to call the person you give up control to, god. It makes them seem infallible and it makes you seem gullible (and idiotic). It may even seem like you don't see your partner clearly, and have delusions about them that could dangerous. I agree with all that I wouldn't recommend a god-dynamic.

But, that is not what I mean.

I see my partners very clearly. With my ex, for instance, I saw that he was a terrible human being who didn't care for my emotional or physical well-being, but I also saw what I got out that, and I did the math. It may not have been math that benefitted me entirely, but they were numbers I wanted to live with. With my husband, I see him quite clearly, and even though he is wonderful, I don't ascribe god-like feelings to him for qualities that I judge as deserving of that. There is a removal of self that is required for this, a removal that allows you (though not entirely because there were factors that went into me choosing him) to believe that it's not your place to decide if someone is deserving of your devotion, you just give it, no matter what. You believe in it, no matter what. You continue to be pious even if he sends you plague and famine. It doesn't work unless you are a little blind and stupid.

It's really not about my evaluation of him. It's about acknowledging my smallness and living it. It brings me to my knees, and it's because I'm closer to his dick that way (though, you know), it's because I see him better from that angle, and I feel more like myself from that place. It's a place where in many ways, I cease to be, and that is such a relief because where I don't exist, the things that cause me such deep, daily conflict do not exist either. All that exists is ritual, and things that are bigger than me. It doesn't matter that he is just another human being (nor is this feeling limited only to my love for him), it doesn't matter that he makes mistakes or has no divine power, it's really not about him even, it's about me expressing something (and therein lies the real reason why I can't be genuinely  pious). I need to express my sexuality this way, in a way that keeps me constantly aware of the fact that the world does not revolve around me, I do not own it, I do not control it, it will hurt me and I will accept all of that because I am just another number. Just another existence. There is something so deeply erotic about that sentiment, I cannot imagine having relationships without it. I must love like a sacrificial lamb.

Come on, that's super hot, isn't it?


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