I want to say

Hi, today I want to complain a little, so I apologize in advance, you don't have to read this. Scroll down to the last paragraph, where there will be basic information. 

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So, I can't afford to do it somewhere else, because I don't want a lot of people to see it, but it's really important and I need to share it with someone else, otherwise I'll go crazy.  

This month I am experiencing a huge financial problem. This is happening for the first time in my two years at the FA, so I could not have foreseen this and did not have time to put aside a financial cushion. The money I had left was spent pretty quickly on dental treatment and a birthday present for my mom. She had long dreamed of a large cocoon chair to sit in in the garden and knit, so my father and I decided to give it to her. 

I still had money left over from the beginning of the month, so I wasn't too worried. I had an open commission slot in May, which has not been bought yet, so I was counting on it to a greater extent. 

Half a month later, my turn was empty, and the slot remained unbought, I spent a little on the FA advertising banner and as a result, the money finally ran out. I tried to do my best. 

I drew a test task in one game dev studio this month, but they didn't take me, despite the fact that the test was generally performed at an excellent level (according to people who worked in this studio).

I drew 5 new YCH, which also do not buy. I drew 2 gifts in order not to leave patreon without content and to show my creativity to more people. I drew a trade and a fanart, although in normal times it is a luxury for me.  

But my efforts were not justified, unfortunately. Moreover, a couple of people refused patronage. I still have some food, so I'll last about another week.

If all these unpleasant things had happened at different intervals of time, they probably would not have affected my condition as a whole so much, but all together it hit me on the ground with wild force and I completely lost faith in myself, lost motivation, lost the feeling of the ground under my feet. I am disappointed in myself as an artist, I am constantly haunted by the feeling that I am doing something wrong or not doing enough. 

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I thought carefully and decided that I now need to focus more on achieving stability, for this I need to post public content more often. Since June, I will combine all tiers into one for $ 5, I will lose the specified amount, but maybe other people will have the desire and opportunity to support me. Anyway, I'm glad you're still with me, it gives me hope. Thanks