SUPER SECRET APRIL FOOLS SCRIPT
Added 2020-03-31 22:12:09 +0000 UTCHere's a script I need to record TODAY I WOULD LOVE FEEDBACK :)
Comments
I like the Sargon History lesson, I agree with Elizabeth about keeping the tone during that segment the same (without the fucks), but I don't think it's an issue in the rest of the video. I loved the ending line for instance. I also like the devolution of the plot into the rant about Raid. For a April Fool's joke video it's not too bizarro or out of line for your normal content. I think my only real criticism might be to consider the pacing of the Sargon section, (i wasn't sure of your timing/cadence when saying things) but that might be on me because I'm viewing it on mobile, so there may be formatting I'm missing.
Bonnie Button
2020-03-31 22:53:30 +0000 UTCoh. my god. I love it. You are a god and I love it.
Squid Sinclair
2020-03-31 22:35:10 +0000 UTCThank you very much for this, that was delightful XD So onto actual crit; "Some historians think Sargon fucked Lugalzagesi’s wife" using fucked doesn't match the rest of the tone of the character up to this point, I'd used slept with instead. Also make the f bombs later pop more Lots of typos and missing words when you get to the Raid breakdown; stuff like missing, instead of mission. Otherwise can't wait to see this filmed.
2020-03-31 22:33:55 +0000 UTCHell yeah dude, I think it's going to be a good one.
2020-03-31 22:28:37 +0000 UTCThank you for acting on my request, it’s about time Sargon got a video
Christopher Hendrix
2020-03-31 22:20:29 +0000 UTC
