Growing into the Job, Post 466: Inspiring the New Generation, Intro

I wasn’t exactly sure what Melissa had in mind when she told me we were going shopping. It wasn’t really something I would have normally volunteered for, given how things have been going for me lately, but, like any smart boyfriend, I knew better than to protest when she gave me that look. Though calm and playful on the surface, there was just enough edge to her demeanor that I knew it wasn’t really up for discussion.

So there we were, the two of us, walking - or rather, Melissa was walking, I was, well, I’ll tell you more about that in a bit - making our way through the city park along the river on this brisk, mid-November morning. Wait, it was still morning, right? Anyway, we weren’t headed towards the city’s center but rather away from it. She had me bundled up in layers - the shirt and sweater she’d chosen for me, then an oversized sweatshirt over that. It was a sunny day but there was an occasional sharp, biting breeze that came off the river that made me thankful for not only all the clothes, but the warmth and protection of Melissa’s body. In fact, I felt like being near Melissa would maybe have kept me warm enough. Melissa had barely even bothered with the weather, wearing only a softly pink sweater, which thankful was thin enough for the warmth of her body to radiate through her clothes. She was like my own personal heater, and right then I was very glad for it. 

Did I happen to tell you that I was on her shoulders?

I’ll get to that.

So. We had just finished up with Randi in Melissa’s office, and I had comes back from the breakroom with Melissa’s breakfast smoothie. For some reason, I’d been entirely too emotionally invested in finding where she had kept them (in the fridge), choosing the right flavor (I knew she liked chocolate but oh no there was only vanilla, peach and coconut), pouring it into a tall glass from the weird Evolution Pharmaceuticals packaging (it looked so shady) and getting it back to her without spilling (yay success!). The smile she’d given me, thanking me, and then telling me she was so glad I’d known she wanted coconut made my heart swell up in pride. But -  why? Was I that emotionally needy? I hadn’t thought so. But It felt so good to have her gush and praise me, saying how much she needed the calories. She downed it in just about one go, and sent me off for another one right away. Her voice was once again sweeter than I’d just about ever heard it., and like a puppy I scooted off. This time I had orders for peach, and a coffee for Randi.

Looking back, what the fuck was wrong with me?? Why was I actually enjoying that?? Was I really that desperate to do something useful for her?

When I got back again, I could hear the girls talking in hushed tones, something about a car and some paperwork. They quieted down and looked at me as I got to the door. Melissa had changed into some spare clothes she kept in her desk: white sneakers, a thin sweater and, apparently - with the way her bosom now jutted out like twin zeppelins - some sort of heroic bra beneath. She decided to keep on the too-tight jeans as she said the leggings she had here would’ve been even smaller and tighter on her.

Randi took the coffee from me. “You remember I like it black,” she said, a twist to her thin smile, “thanks Squirt.”

“Hey…” I complained, in a momentary flash of embarrassment to the nickname. There was a definite note of endearment in Randi’s tone, though, something Melissa acknowledged with a warm grin. After waiting quietly by her side as the two girls planned a lunch meeting for tomorrow, deciding on a place in one of the city's cuter neighborhoods, Melissa and I were finally on our way. Not that I minded a nice stroll, but I was curious: on a chilly November day, why weren’t we driving? Out in the parking lot, I had my answer. Melissa's car wasn’t in her usual spot, and when I asked her about it she explained she had to drop it off at the shop yesterday morning. Something was up.

“Why what’s going on?” I’d asked, as we walked out of the parking lot and towards the path that’d lead us to the park.

“Oh, don't worry. In fact, it’s a surprise,” she beamed, her voice giddy with a girlish enthusiasm, “And if you’re good, you may find out soon. Omigosh today is going to be so fun!”

Honestly, I was just happy for an excuse to get out into the fresh air, but now - under the warmth of Melissa's infectious smile - I was even more excited. Who doesn’t love surprises? And, as nervous as I was about my size and how people might treat me, having Melissa with me made me feel strangely safe and secure. The fact that she was definitely holding back information from me - what the heck is this surprise? - showed just how obvious it was that she enjoyed having control over the situation, but it was fun, right?  A nagging wriggle inside my head, made me doubt myself for a moment, and and my feelings for her…but with a breath of fresh air (well, as fresh as city air gets anyway) I was able to quiet its squirmings. She’s just having fun! Why not just follow her lead?

As we walked, she was kind in slowing her long strides to help me keep pace with my little steps. I decided this was probably a good time to be totally open and honest with her.

“Do you remember Rich, my geriatrician friend that you met briefly at the AAG conference a couple months ago?”

“Sure,” she answered, her energy suddenly shifting, dimming a bit. Melissa, I’d sorta slowly figured out, didn’t necessarily like talking about my (few) friends, acquaintances or colleagues. I’m pretty sure she liked to think that her and her friends - but mostly her - were my whole entire world. Which, in a way, was what they were becoming. “Is this about the emails he’s sent you?”

Oh yeah. She did read that. She read all my emails, I guess - or someone did - before “approving” them to show up on my phone, or on my computer, where I could then read and respond to them. 

“Yeah, it is,” I said, knowing for a while now that we should talk about it. She’d said that too. She’d said we’d talk about it. “So he made that appointment for me, at the endocrinology clinic, for Tuesday?”

“The men’s Endocrin-crin…crinoscopy clinic?” Though she struggled with the larger technical term, it was really ‘men’s’ that she gave the most emphasis, treating it like a dirty word. 

“Yeah,” I answered, figuring now wouldn't be the right time to correct her pronunciation. “I think, maybe, I should go. I should try to figure out what’s going on with me.” For the first time since we had been outside, I felt cold. I could tell, just by the change in the air, what her gut reaction was, that she didn’t like the idea to say the least. She was…thinking, though. She was considering. Why I thought I needed her approval, I still don’t really know.

“You realize you’d have to go by yourself, that I’m going to be busy with the new offices,” she said. There was a palpable hesitation to her words. She’d put on a big pair of sunglasses. I guess it is pretty bright out here. “And the other girls, they’re going to be busy too.”

Alone? To the appointment? Huh. I hadn’t considered that. I hadn’t been “alone” anywhere but in my room, or in my office, for…weeks now. The thought did give me pause, but I knew this was important, probably. If I was ever going to find the answers to what had been going on with my body, I needed to start somewhere. And it had been long enough. “Yeah, that’s okay,” I replied, “I’ll…figure it out.”

“Okay,” she agreed, quickening her step just a little, making me pop into a scurry to catch up.

If I knew her thoughts then, like the way I do now, I would have understood why she finally allowed me to go that day. Why she agreed to let me head out into the world to an appointment with, quite possibly, no one by my side: I guess it’s important to show him what it’s like out there now, out in the world,  without me…

She reached out her hand. I took it, and we continued our stroll.

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thanks to RiF for his editing work