Becoming Fifi - 25

April 12th

Dear Journal,

Things are getting stranger by the day, and it’s mainly down to Fatri. What began as casual, polite exchanges amidst wedding preparations has gradually turned into something unexpected. For whatever reason, she’s taken a real liking to me—or rather, to Fifi—and honestly, it’s unsettling how I'm acting while around her.

At first, she kept approaching me for opinions on things like tablecloth colours and flower arrangements, and somehow my off-the-cuff suggestions seemed to impress her. It makes me wonder: have all these hours helping Annisa at the boutique given me genuine fashion insight, or was this side of me always there, just waiting for the opportunity to emerge?

Yesterday, things escalated further when Fatri asked Annisa if I could join her today to shop for wedding accessories. Annisa jumped at the idea, leaving me feeling frustrated that I no longer seem to have any say in what I do.

At least the day started calmer than the usual early morning rush to beautify myself and make it to the boutique for opening. I got to sleep in for once. I then took my time getting ready. Breakfast was shared with Kartika. We didn’t say much - her English is as limited as ever and my progress in learning the local language hasn’t progressed beyond please and thank you. However, even with the language barrier there’s an ease between us that doesn’t need filling with conversation.

After my usual breakfast – that never fills me up due to Annisa’s and Kartika’s idea of what constituted a normal portion size - I moved through my usual routine: showering, dressing, and carefully applying makeup. I then slipped on a pair of heels I’d found while rummaging through Annisa’s collection - tall suede pumps with thin heels and a glossy gold platform. They looked intimidating but fit well, moulding comfortably around my stiff, arched feet. For most people, they’d probably be much too flashy for a daytime outing - something the security guard confirmed as he glanced down multiple times while opening the gate for me to leave the apartment complex. But I don’t feel as self-conscious as I used to. People look, people silently judge, but nothing bad ever happens. And if it means I get to move freely, I find myself caring less and less each day.

I didn’t have to wait long for Fatri, but those few seconds on the roadside - standing there in my little outfit, watching for her chauffeur-driven car to turn he comer - were enough to make me feel tense and a more than a little foolish about where I was going and how I was dressed. My look for the occasion was casual but unmistakably feminine: a tight black-and-white striped skirt that hugged my thighs and stopped above the knee, paired with a short white cropped tee. I added a pair of dangly clip-on earrings and a black leather purse covered in skulls and silver studs - for a bit of fun, or maybe just to look a little tougher.

(See image 25)

The car pulled up shortly after, and I hopped in as gracefully as I could in my tight skirt and towering heels. Fatri greeted me warmly and complimented me on my "cute outfit" choice. We drove into the city and entered a high-end boutique. Once inside, surrounded by gleaming shelves filled with luxurious accessories, Fatri eagerly began scouring the shelves and racks, constantly asking for my opinion. And again, to my surprise, I had plenty to give.

Before I knew it, I was pointing out details - what shades would work best with her gown, which styles fit the theme, and why. We eventually settled on a gorgeous pair of champagne satin heels with delicate crystal embellishments and a matching clutch. Fatri hugged me, glowing with excitement, and told me I had "amazing taste".

It was meant as a compliment, but instead, her words have left me feeling uneasy. As I look back on the whole experience, I realise this wasn’t just me playing along. Today, I haven’t just been acting like Fifi - I’ve been thinking like her, moving like her, and reacting like her, all on autopilot. She’s no longer just a character I created to survive. She now lives inside my head alongside David, her thoughts and opinions coming out just as easily as his!