Context:

I guess long and short is: My flames burned out ages ago. Back when I  was 13, with a church out in West L.A., I recall the pre-teen leader  saying I had “A flame that lit everyone else up”. At that time I was  very outgoing, very charismatic, very much a people person even if my  peers at times resented me for connecting with adults a lot and wasn’t  quite one to welcome their heckling.

…That was back in 2000. Back  when my mother was still in a good spot pushing out her script to become  a film, where while wer were living off of food stamps and Section 8  for rent, we could still go out and -do- things without a lot of stress.  Back when I could scooter around from my home all the way to Santa  Monica because I didn’t have 50 cents to ride the bus and be fine.

…Two  years after that, the cchurch fell apart, my mother got into a deal  that ccosted us everything and then some, we were fored to move towards  Chicago as my Grandmother was the only person willing to support us in  that time of need.

Living in Chicago was, and always has been  terrible since. I got mugged a few times just half a block away from  home just because I was an ‘easy target’ for everyone else. I couldn’t  get back into the systems I had in Californa, meaning I couldn’t take  Riddlin for my ADHD anymore, nor could I get check ups and the like  given no medicade. I couldn’t dare leave the front door unless I knew I  had busfair to get around.

If not for the internet becoming what  it was around that time, I chances are would have been destroyed right  there and then :’D But, I held on, I dug into the ryona groups to  pervert all this stress in ways to become an outlet and to bare with the  day-in-and-out struggles my mother and I was having with trying to  adapt. She coudln’t score a job, so she eventuraly went back to script  writing once Section 8 cleared us for the state move and we could get  our own place.

I tried to go to college, to escape Chicago and to  make something of my own. Sadly 2007 happened doing that time, and my  co-signer at the time died in turn.

So…I was forced to drop out,  with the school unwilling to give me my credits till I payed up what I  owed, with Sallie Mae now over my back in turn. Even if I got a job, I  wouldn’t have any money of my own. I still tried though, but dropping  out of college with nothing to show is a worse action then dropping out  of highschool. No one wanted to hire me, and online jobs that where just  mindless clicking and posting tasks for a few cents per thing done  where not listable job experances.

I’m been struggling since then  just to live. To make -something- for myself, but 10 years ongoing and  I’m still no better off then I already was. I still have to pretty much  beg for cash, if I get anything, it’s ether a hand-me-down or a gift  from someone else, never from my own pocket. On top of all of that, the  help I should be getting, I can’t. Seeing someone for my mental issues  is too expensive. Getting a check up is too expensive. I’ve got  shattered teeth that no matter what I do are rotting away. I’ve got a  libido that doesn’t have a 'down’ moment. My feet as well have started  to develop some really odd sensations and numbness as well. Though I  can’t do anything about it unless I was on the verge of death, and only  then would a hospital be willing to toss me under debit harder then I  was before.

…it is a wonder how I still stand. How I can still  have anything akin towards a 'flame’ after all of this. My mother can’t  get her veteran benefits because of how she got discharged to hide the  fact that one of her higher up’s felt like 'using’ her and even with the  changes to the ruling, she still hasn’t been able to budge on that. My  brother is mentaly disabled to the point where someone will always have  to watch and take care of him, and he’ll be 27 physically, but 13  mentally.

This is my life, this will chances are ccontinue to be  my life, and with how the world’s going, it’ll only be worse. Food  stamps are being cut back more and more, my brother’s disability check  is our only real income to speak of and that’s starting to be cut back,  Section 8′s cutting back…You can only cut at a thread for so long till  there’s nothing left.