Pink Is Such An Ugly Color

Chapter 33: Tattletale

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‘’-and that was just one of the many terrible things they did! They fused with other Gems! And I don’t mean Fusion of the same Gem class, but with different Gem Classes! It’s unprecedented and wrong! Please, my Diamond you must contact the other Diamonds so we can hunt these deviants down and put them on trial to be justly punished for their crimes!’’ I pleaded my case, standing in front of Pink Diamond as she listened to me with a worried face.

‘’Oh golly… Um, thanks for telling me of this, seemingly annual party happening in the depths of homeworld. But I must investigate these parties, and identify the Gems involved in them.’’ Pink Diamond said, and I nodded thankful that she wasn’t ignoring this or something worse.

I didn’t think she would, but this was my Diamond we were talking about. To say she was predictable, would be a complete and utter lie. Even after thousands of years spent under her command and rule, I really couldn’t predict or even imagine how she would think or react to most things. Especially official business that would spawn more work for herself, and subsequently to her Court to do.

‘’We have to contact the other Diamonds first, we need their help to identify the other Gems. Most of the Gems I saw there were a mix of Blue’s and Yellow’s court. I’m not sure if there were any Gems from our Court, or-’’ I shivered at just thinking about it, ‘’-or any from White Diamond’s Court, my Diamond. But we have to contact all to make sure!’’ I said, and I could see my Diamond’s expression sour at that.

‘’You’re not wrong that they would be required for this, Mustard. But I must first… Uh… Investigate these parties before I call them. I must have proof of these happenings.’’ My Diamond nodded to herself, and I slowly nodded following her line of logic.

‘’What can I do to help then, my Diamond?’’ I asked.

‘’Hmmm… Nothing for now. This will be strictly Diamond business, so besides your future testimony in court, your presence isn’t required anymore. Return to your post, and forget about all of this for now.’’ She said, practically dismissing me, and I took it as for what it was, a dismissal.

Doing a Diamond salute, I nodded to my Diamond before I began walking out of the Moon Base. I felt a little bit… scuffed at the complete dismissal, even when I wished to help in this investigation but… I couldn’t go against my Diamond’s orders. And so, I would do as she commanded, and leave this to our Diamonds to solve…

Though perhaps it couldn’t hurt to notify the other Diamonds by myself… Right? Or at least have proof of it to hand to them? It was a treasonous thought, but if in the unlikely case that my Diamond doesn’t notify them of this discovery, I could do it in her place… Couldn’t I? She was awfully busy normally, and quite easily distracted! I’m sure that it’s a high possibility that she forgets to notify the other Diamonds when she starts focusing in her investigation.

As a Diamond yourself, it is only obvious that you can.

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Stepping foot into the ‘Stalwart’ felt refreshing. Invigorating, and just wonderful. Nothing could beat the feeling of stepping into a ship for the first time, and that feeling only grew greater when that first ship was one you owned. The ‘Stalwart’ was a great ship, one that is slowly growing older and outdated by our constantly improving standards but that didn’t mean she wasn’t loved by me. Yet love did not correlate to a connection. Think of it as a form of philia, of friendly love.

It wasn’t an inseparables bond. One that would wreak at your heart for when you lost it. But it would still leave a sign of it, in your heart. Any item with sentimental value would. Anything that you valued, would inevitably be something you would miss. And so, I wondered if when I lost the ‘Stalwart’, be it by defending the Great Diamond Empire or it simply being replaced with a more modern battlecruiser… Would I feel loss? Or would I feel nothing?

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The reflection cast in one of my mirrors told me nothing, but uncertainty. Of doubt, not of my own, but of my own emotions. Of my own vestiges, of my own programming, of my own loyalty and sense of duty. Would I sacrifice the ship for the greater good, or cling to it due to sentimentality? What about my own Gems? Would I grieve their loss, as I have for all those I have lost to this point? How can I grieve for them, if they were nothing more than cannon fodder? How can I grow attached to any of them, if they weren’t of the same class as me?

How can I love my own servants? How can I love Spinel, when she was a slave to her programming? Did she think for herself, or did she just follow the light matrixes inside her Gem? What about the Gem made to serve me? Could she think for herself? Would she leave me if she could? Would either of them? And if they did, would I allow them? O-Or would I bring them down? Force them to stay? Rejuvenate them?

Tears had pooled within my eyes, clouding my vision. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What would I do, if they left me on their own? Would I respect their choice? Would I let them go? Or would I drag them back to me? Force them to be with me? Against their will? How could I make it work, if that did happen? Wouldn’t that ruin me, and them? How could I move on, when the two people I care most left me?

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Why do I cry tears of blue? Tears of sorrow so potent as to drown myself in them? Why do I cry yellow tears? Strong enough to burn and sizzle as they dropped, aggressively hostile? Why did I cry tears of orange? So sorrowful, yet so determined. So gentle, yet so aggressive?

Why was I taller than other Gems? Why was I stronger than other Gems? Why was I an Emerald? Why am I not… Why am I not… Am I not? I am… I am an Emerald… Am I not?

These thoughts hurt! They hurt so much! Why do they hurt? Just why? Why is my loyalty in question? Why does my Diamond not trust me? Why am I changing? Why am I growing? Is this mockery, of this mental breakdown I am suffering from, a weakness? Is that pathetic, crying man really what I was? This sensitive, fragile being? Why did I cry colors? Why did I bleed them? Why was I throwing up their mixed essence? How was I doing this? Why was I so electrified?

Yellow distorted hexagons spread from my hands, coating the tiles under my hands. They distorted, glitched, and screeched as they formed and spread all around the room, and around me. The hexagonal shield bubble formed, yet my tears didn’t stop, and it was slowly filled up. I was drowning…

I was drowning.

I was drowning…

I was drowning.

With no lungs… I couldn’t breathe. I was drowning. My breath didn’t come, my eyes didn’t blink. I was drowning. My skin felt wrong, I felt my entire body, as if it was just one giant layer of sentient skin. Drowning in my own essence. My clothes, my boots, handcuffs, all of them were part of me. All of them were my body. Why was I feeling them? I am drowning. How could I feel them? Why didn’t I before? Why? Am I drowning. Why? Is this happening. Why? Now.

I closed my eyes, as I focused on myself. On my Gem. On every single part of myself. My entire body, I could feel every part of it. I could feel… Everything. Each shifting matrix of light inside my Gem, each facet that reflected light inside of it. All the flaws, all the walfs. Why could I? See my vestiges. Why couldn’t I before? See them trying to unite. How was I aware before formation? Before becoming a Gem. Am I truly myself, or just a copy? Am I a Gem, or a Human? Was my soul, really mine? Or was it replaced with my own soul? Is it all real? Or was it all fictional? is this my dying moments, a cruel prank? A trick of a highly complicated organic chemistry activated brain trying it’s best to make the last moments of awareness last? To make the last moments of it’s meat puppet, not be that of misery and depression?

Or was it my Gem trying to trick itself? As it finally shattered?

I opened my eyes, and I stood in front of my mirror. I sniffled, wiping away the tears that were threatening to come out of my eyes with my wrists, before I adjusted my uniform and my hair. It would be improper to go outside with a wrinkled uniform. I wondered what Spinel and Apricot were doing? Last I remember I had left them in the office to handle any paperwork I might have, to go report directly to my Diamond. Should probably go and talk to them about my idea of warning the other Diamonds about those… Debauched parties. 

The last thing we needed was an unstable, and chaotic gathering of Gems. We didn’t count.

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