Dose 𝓣wenty-One

Dose Twenty-One Observations:
Subject appears to struggle with sleeping.

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The next morning was foggy.

Seattle was foggy with misty rain, reflecting everything I felt inside.

Monroe lied for her.

She lied for me—and now I can’t even remember what I assumed she lied for.

I thought she was merely lost interest in me.

That she was ready to move on with her life and push me to the side.

I thought she wanted to hurt me because she knew in the moment.

She knew how badly it tore me apart, yet she still did it anyway.

But maybe the other alternative would’ve hurt worse.

To be torn down by my mother’s actions—to truly mourn the version of her I had so many years ago.

I smushed my head under piles of pillows, trying to push away the thoughts and hazy memories.

Aside from the memory of last night.

That was vivid.

The heavy rain and her words that unraveled it all.

Even how warm the car was, yet somehow her hand was warmer around mine.

The softness of her cheek against my lips still lingers like this sticky warmth, the ooey gooey kind.

Then there was that note and what it said—or who fucking wrote it.

I pushed it away.

I pushed all the thoughts away and smushed my face deeper under the pillows, determined to fall back asleep.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t fucking sleep.

But I still laid there, refusing to get out of the same spot.

I didn’t touch my phone.

I didn’t doom scroll on TikTok or distract myself with Pinterest.

I just laid there, my eyes closed as my thoughts swirled all over the place.

Some kind of social media would help, and I knew it, but I wasn’t ready to fall back into the real world.

I wasn’t ready to interact with anyone or drain my energy even more.

I had to get up to feed Jynx, but otherwise I refused to move, and she remained cuddled up to my side with me.

I didn’t eat.

I couldn’t eat.

At least until my hunger caught up to me.

I was up early on Monday morning.

Four in the morning, rummaging for food.

Cereal was what I settled on.

Captain Crunch, to be exact.

I let it get a little soggy in the milk as I grabbed the bag of powdered donuts, too, needing some food on my stomach.

I was aware, though—specifically, of how fast I ate, or how much I shoved in my mouth.

I didn’t want to go down the road I fought myself off of so many months ago.

I’ve been better since then.

I’ve been more conscious, trying my best not to fall into that coping mechanism.

I made sure to eat at a normal pace and appreciate the food rather than using it as an outlet.

Once I was done eating—

I went for a run.

Yes.

A fucking run.

I’ve never run in my life.

Well, except that one time in New York when Monroe had me tag along for one of her runs.

I hated it.

But this morning it felt different.

It felt liberating.

My lungs burning, the adrenaline pumping through my veins, and only the most gut-wrenching music on.

It was still rainy in Seattle—this light mist coating the air.

It made it all even better, especially with everyone still inside, probably just now waking up to get ready for work.

I didn’t know if I was an ugly runner, so being out alone this early made me feel comfortable.

I could run how I wanted to.

And boy was I fucking running.

You would think someone was chasing me, but it genuinely just felt like I was running away from my problems.

It was relieving.

I was out of breath, but I could breathe again.

I can fucking breathe again, and it feels so good.

By the time I got back, the sun had already risen, and more people were out and about.

Meanwhile, I planned to shower and go back to sleep.

I finally felt tired enough to sleep decently.

These past two nights, I tossed and turned—my dreams haunted me.

But I knew after that run and the way my limbs are burning that I would knock out as soon as I hit that bed.

The hot shower I took was unworldly.

I stood in there for at least twenty minutes, steam gathering all around me.

Then I really focused and started to actually wash my body and shower.

Once I finished with my shower and got dressed, I fed Jynx her breakfast and sat there with her as usual while she ate.

We both headed off to bed once she was done, dozing right off into a deep sleep.

The next time I woke up, I heard loud, rapid knocks.

They were insistent.

I thought I was dreaming them at first.

Then I reached for my phone, wondering if it was some kind of weird alarm.

But no.

Someone was at my fucking door.

I barely got to read the time on my bright phone.

I just remembered an eight displayed on the bright screen, so I had barely been asleep for probably thirty minutes, which pissed me off.

I was sleeping really good.

I couldn’t remember my dreams for once, which meant I was back on track.

“Sarai,” I groaned loudly, stomping my feet childishly as I held the door open.

She stood across from me, her balayage hair in a messy bun with a sweatshirt and leggings on, her furry slippers snug on her small feet.

Sarai only smiled, lifting the Styrofoam cups and to-go bag in her hand. “I brought coffee and donuts.”

I only groaned again. “I was sleeping good—really good. You don’t understand how good,” I pointed out, my brows furrowed in frustration as she walked past me into my apartment.

I let the door fall closed with a heavy thud, turning around as Sarai glanced all over, openly inspecting my clean apartment.

“I’m fine,” I emphasized, walking over to her.

“Just making sure. Zi was worried when you didn’t show up for work,” Sarai said, setting the cups down with the to-go back that crinkled slightly. “And you didn’t answer any of our calls.”

“I was asleep,” I deadpanned, stopping by her as she leaned down to scoop up Jynx in her arms.

She had quite literally weaved herself between Sarai’s legs.

“But why were you asleep? Why didn’t you go to work?” Sarai asked as she cradled Jynx in one arm, gently scratching her exposed furry stomach.

“It’s Monday,” I lied, using the best excuse in the book. “I didn’t feel like going.”

“Zi said it was excused, though,” Sarai pointed out as I distracted myself with the bag of donuts.

But Sarai quickly snatched the bag away from me before I could grab it, much less open it and grab a donut.

“Donuts and coffee are for talkative people,” she emphasized with a raised brow.

I narrowed my eyes at her, contemplating my next words.

And hard.

Because I could either be honest and tell her what really happened two nights ago.

Or keep it from her and spare myself a lecture.

Regardless, she and Zion will never approve of Monroe again.

I also don’t want to keep lying about it anymore.

It would be nice to vent.

“I spoke to Monroe Saturday night,” I finally spoke, reaching for one of the coffees on the counter.

This time, Sarai didn’t grab it before I could.

She was silent instead, staring at me with confusion and disappointment all in one.

“It was about what happened that night, months ago,” I clarified, bringing the cup of coffee to my lips for the longest sip.

I even took a few seconds to swallow, refusing to meet Sarai’s brown eyes as she remained silent with Jynx in one arm and the bag of donuts in her other hand.

“My mother… she was the reason behind Kaia’s accident. It wasn’t Monroe—it was never Monroe. She lied because,” I paused, furrowing my brows as I stared down at the coffee cup in my hand. “She lied because the things my mother has done—”

I cut myself short with a sharp inhale, shaking my head.

“She never actually cared about me or a reconciliation. The Leclairs threatened to ruin her reputation by making me seem insane over Monroe. They threatened to ruin mine, too,” I whispered, almost feeling ashamed of my own mother. “She made a deal to reconcile with me and approve of everything so our union could be better.”

“Union?” Sarai echoed, finally saying something.

“Monroe’s parents wanted us to get married,” I quickly clarified.

“Oh, right, you mentioned that,” she murmured wordlessly.

I could tell she was caught off guard.

All of this as a whole is a lot.

She really only knew things that I mentioned months ago.

Like the marriage, or how insane Monroe’s parents were.

Things like that.

“The Leclairs started adding to the terms. They wanted more lenient drug laws in California,” I sighed, taking another sip of my coffee, warming the heaviness in my chest. “My mother ended the deal after that, so they went after Kaia—and she had the nerve to call Monroe to bail her out of it all.”

I shook my head to myself, briefly squeezing my eyes shut.

“She… the whole time she protected me,” I forced out, dropping the coffee cup on the counter with a thud. “And it’s all her fault. Maris fucked up everything. She broke apart the one thing I genuinely care about. I mean, I love her—Sarai, she knew. My mother knew that I did, and she did that. She did it anyway—”

“Libs,” Sarai softly whispered when I hunched over the counter, burying my face in my folded arms.

“I was out of my mind in love with her—I’m still out of my mind in love with her. I can’t stay away from her. I haven’t stayed away from her. I’ve hugged her, touched her, I can’t stand in a room without glancing once at her, Sarai.”

My words were rushed and hit the air like a rough gut punch.

It made the blood rush to my face, burning every inch of skin as I processed what the fuck I just said aloud.

This is so bad.

It’s really bad.  

“Okay, look,” Sarai softly whispered, and I could feel her hand run up my back, trying to soothe me back down as I took deep breaths. “This is so much. Right off the bat, your mother is so shitty for this, Liberty. It’s beyond messed up.”

I nodded a few times in a row, tears spilling from my eyes onto my bare arms.

“And I know me and Zi don’t approve of Monroe, but—” she suddenly drew in a breath. “That doesn’t mean anything. You know that doesn’t mean anything when it’s your life. You decide what makes you happy, not us.”

I forced a weak hum, acknowledging her words as best as I could.

“Zion is just protective. It can be a lot, but I swear he wants what’s best for you,” Sarai continued, rubbing her hand up and down my back. “And you need to want what’s best for yourself. You really need to think about this. It’s not just her, clearly. It’s the whole damn family.”

“I know,” I whispered, knowing I would single-handedly be launched back into her world.

The world of passive conversations, expensive parties with fake laughs, and huge fucking consequences if you say the wrong thing.

But that’s not Monroe.

It’s her baggage, but it’s not her.

It doesn’t determine who she is—it should never determine that.

Our moments are so much more than what her world consists of.

When it’s just us, everything quiets, and nothing matters.

Maybe it’s worth living in a fucking warzone if I have her arms around me the whole time.

“How about we have some coffee and donuts, and you talk about this more,” Sarai spoke again, her voice more cautious with me. “I’m here to listen. No judging or anything.”

I nodded once, drawing a deep breath. “Okay,” I exhaled deeply, lifting my face from my arms as I quickly wiped any stray tears away.

Jynx was now by my feet, staring up at me with her head tilted just slightly.

It made me smile, leaning down to gently scratch behind her ears.

“I’ll warm up the donuts in the microwave,” Sarai determined, grabbing the bag she must have set down again.

“Okay. Thank you for bringing this all over,” I whispered, gently scooping my hand under Jynx’s furry stomach to lift her in my arms.

“Of course. I’m glad to be here,” she said as she turned on the sink to wash her hands.

I petted Jynx while she began preparing the donuts, telling her more about Monroe and our altercations.

I also circled back to Saturday night and how insane it all was.

Especially the rain.

Sarai thought the rain part was cool, but the reality of it is how fucking cold you are, and the awful feeling of wet clothes clinging to you.

It’s overstimulating.

At some point, I got up to wash my hands, so I could have one of the warm donuts too.

I also sipped on what was left of my coffee between bites, talking more about it all.

It felt nice to actually say it all aloud.

I didn’t realize how much I had been keeping in all these weeks, and now I get to let it out.

It was exactly what I needed.

I swear, even after the caffeine I had, I was ready to take another nap.

My brain was a little more at peace, and I could actually close my eyes without being strangled by my thoughts.

Sarai had to get ready for class anyway, so I decided I would climb back into bed once she left.

It was her second class of the day—apparently, she skipped her first to check on me, which was very thoughtful.

I appreciated it a lot.

I told her I appreciated it a lot, too, so she knew how grateful I was to even vent.

After feeding Jynx her lunch a little earlier than usual, we headed off to my bedroom together.

Relief flowed through me as I relaxed in bed, pulling Jynx even closer than she already was.

I grabbed my phone to turn on white noise, determining that I wanted this to be my best sleep yet.

Then I officially relaxed, letting my eyes close as I nuzzled into the fluffy pillow.

I didn’t open my eyes for hours.

I also didn’t toss and turn.

I slept perfectly, and it wasn’t too much sleep since I woke up at a little past three.

I should sleep pretty well tonight.

I mean, I don’t have plans tomorrow since I’m not going to work again, so I guess it doesn’t matter if I fuck up my sleep schedule.

Long-term, it does, though.

I sighed through my nose as I set my toothbrush down, spitting out more of the foamy toothpaste before reaching for my phone.

Zion was at work, Sarai was in her afternoon class still, but Lia—I’m sure she could hang out or something.

I’m kind of bored just sitting around all day with nothing to do.

I quickly typed against the cold phone screen, typing a simple text that read—

hi, free today?

Then I sent it with no hesitation, about to set my phone down until—

A red exclamation popped up beside the text.

I clicked it, wondering if her phone was just dead, so I tried to send it as a text.

It still bounced back with an exclamation, making my brows furrow.

Did she block me?

No.

There wouldn’t be a red exclamation.

It would just send as a text message.

So why is it doing this?

Did she change her number or something?

I’m so fucking confused.

And I have no way to contact Lia aside from this number…

An empty sigh fell from my lips, swiping out of my messages app completely.

That’s weird, but I don’t have the mental capacity to overthink it.

Maybe she just got a new phone.

She’ll text me whenever she can, I guess.

I pursed my lips, staring down at my phone with heavy contemplation.

I wanted to call her—my mother.

I wanted to let her know that I knew.

I wanted to scream at her.

And also cuss her out at the same time.

But I knew better.

I knew she’d somehow victimize herself.

Conversations with her never go as I envision them in my head.

Except that one at the cabin.

That conversation was everything I had imagined it to be, which is why it turned out to be a lie, obviously.

I swiftly glanced away from my phone, wondering what I could do to busy myself this evening.

I was hungry, so I decided to start there.

It was now four, so I’ll just have a slightly early dinner.

Mac and cheese was what I decided on.

Nothing crazy—just a box of Annie’s mac and cheese.

I also made myself a small glass of wine, determined I would unwind and watch another Halloween-themed movie.

I decided on Hocus Pocus since it was nostalgic.

I even grabbed more of those powdered donuts to eat once I finished with the mac and cheese.

It weirdly complemented the wine I was drinking well.

I really only had two glasses, which were barely half full.

It gave me a soft buzz, but that was it.

Well, aside from amplifying the thoughts of Monroe that I already had.

I refused to call her like I did the last time.

But she did say to talk to her when I was ready.

Am I ready?

It’s only been two fucking days.

There’s no way that I’m ready.

Right?

I do want to talk to her, though, and I haven’t had nearly enough wine for my judgment to be clouded.

I want to talk to her.

Just in general, I think.

Ever since that night in her car, I’ve craved it all over again.

It’s why I couldn’t sleep.

Why I had to go for a run.

Or I guess, she was part of the reason I went for a run, since a huge fucking bomb was dropped on me nights ago.

A deep sigh echoed from my lips as I navigated to her contact, deciding to text her instead of calling.

It was a simple one-word text that I typed, just to test the waters.

Talk?

That’s what I typed out.  

Nothing else.

Then I stared at it.

For seconds on end.

The idea of sending it made my stomach tickle with knots.

I let out a heavy sigh and quickly pressed send—throwing my phone to the other side of the couch.

It fell face down, and I knew I wouldn’t hear if she texted back because Do Not Disturb was on.

So I annoyingly stood up to grab my phone from the end of the sectional, unconsciously sliding up to check for notifications.

There was nothing from her.

But it had only been a few seconds so—

I drew in a sharp breath when the new text popped up suddenly.

monroe

That was her contact now.

I impatiently clicked the notification, wanting to see what she had said back.

monroe: Is this your way of saying you want to talk, Liberty?

I deeply exhaled, quickly typing my response back before sending it.

Me: yes.

The typing bubbles appeared barely five seconds later.

Then her new text vibrated my phone.

monroe: I would appreciate more information. Use proper sentences.

I rolled my eyes at her text, hearing her tone through the fucking phone.

I started typing again, a proper sentence, as she requested.

Me: i want to talk. can you come over?

The nerves hit me as soon as the message delivered through, realizing I had just invited her over to my place.

I fucking invited her over.

But I mean, there’s no way I’m going over to hers.

If she’s even at the same house.

I don’t want to find that out, or possibly see new furniture everywhere.

My apartment felt safer to me.

It felt more comfortable.

It’s my space.

I glanced down when my illuminated phone buzzed, noticing her new text just below mine.

monroe: Much better.
monroe: I’ll be there in twenty minutes.

A heavy sigh echoed from my lips, suddenly feeling really nervous.

And excited.

I swiftly glanced around, making sure everything looked good.

My apartment was clean for the most part.

Although the pot from making mac and cheese was still out, so I put that away, along with the bottle of wine I had been drinking.

I also loaded my dishes into the dishwasher while Jynx sat patiently by my feet.

And that’s when it hit me.

Jynx.

Monroe and Jynx.

Jynx would be meeting Monroe.

My eyes widened, realizing that couldn’t happen.

I’m not ready for that to happen.

“Okay, Jynxie,” I whispered, leaning down to scoop her up. “You’re going to chill out in my room, kay kay?” I asked her with a smile as I carefully held her in my arms.

She only meowed in response—like she was cursing me for hiding her away.

But it was for her own good.

Monroe also doesn’t like pets.

She might even be allergic to cats, I don’t know.

“Just sleep,” I murmured to her as I sat her on my bed, tugging the covers over her and tucking her in.

She already had her dinner, so she should be all good.

I glanced over my shoulder when I heard three precise knocks on my door.

She’s here.

“Be back soon, Jynxie,” I quickly whispered to her, pressing a fleeting kiss to the top of her head.

Then I backed away, trailing out of my bedroom and closing the door behind me.

I drew in a deep breath as I approached the front door, already fucking nervous at the idea of her on the other side of it.

It made me adjust the grey tank top I wore, along with my matching pajama pants.

My heart was suddenly racing.

She’s never been here before.

We haven’t been anywhere but work or events until now.

Aside from that car ride on Saturday, but that’s not this.

I quickly shook my head, determining that I was being insane.

I’m reading too deeply into it.

I grabbed the door handle before I could contemplate it any further, realizing she was waiting on the other side.

My breath was caught in my throat as I twisted the handle, unlocking the door before pulling it open.

She stood there, with high posture and her chin tilted back, just as I envisioned.

Her brown silky hair was down, leaving her bangs to frame her sharp face.

She didn’t have on any makeup—her skin was bare and glowing under the fluorescent hallway lights.

She had a long black trench coat layered over black dress pants and a matching silky button-down, her leather dress shoes nearly glistening.

“Thanks for coming,” I suddenly forced out, clearing my throat when I heard how inaudible my words sounded.

“Thank you for inviting me,” Monroe said as her blue eyes trailed my body, taking in the pajamas I wore.

Then she glanced up, her stare openly burning into every inch of my face.

It made me shift awkwardly, especially with more knots tickling my lower stomach.

“Come in,” I whispered, just as she parted her lips to say something.

Monroe stiffly nodded—

Yet she remained still for a few moments.

Almost like she was giving me time to take it back.

Or maybe she was trying to make sure I was comfortable.

That I was positive I wanted her here.

“Monroe,” I said, motioning at her with my head.

She took a sharp step forward, and I nearly drew in the deepest breath when she brushed past me.

Her familiar scent wafted around me, and I could hear her dress shoes echo against the floor.

Two sharp steps before she slid them off by the door, leaving her black socks on.

It was tensely silent between us as I motioned her along, walking toward the living room with her behind me.

Something about it was so familiar.

Too fucking familiar.

I watched her sit down on the couch, noticing how she didn’t make an effort to lean back or make herself comfortable.

She just sat there with strict posture and her hands clasped in her lap, almost looking out of place.

It made me smile slightly as I sat down a full cushion from her, amused by the sight of her in my living room.

Her blue eyes were everywhere—she looked around at every little thing, openly taking in my space.

For some reason, it made me hold my breath.

As if she were an interior designer or something.

But something about it felt weirdly intimate, especially as I watched her blue eyes zone in on the smallest of things.

The TV paused on Hocus Pocus, the small glass pumpkins on the coffee table, the gold lamp.

Then she looked at me.

“How are you?”

Her voice was soft, velvety in the air.

And her blue eyes felt softer, expressing genuine concern despite the neutral look on her face.

“Good,” I whispered.

Monroe tilted her head skeptically, emphasizing her sharp jawline.

“Try again,” she calmly murmured, her blue eyes trailing my face like somehow my day was being displayed on it.

“Not good,” I determined as I held her stare. “You’re sitting on my couch weirdly,” I said, making her lips twitch up slightly.

“Weirdly?” Monroe emphasized.

“You’re so stiff. Relax,” I said, motioning at her to lean back.

She didn't say anything.

Her stare shifted down instead—to the empty cushion between us.

It was the space.

I knew she was silently acknowledging the large amount of space I put between us.

So I slid closer, fully sitting on the cushion beside her.  

Monroe nodded in approval at my actions, now reaching up to slide her coat off.

I silently watched as she stood to take off her trench coat fully, folding it over the back of the couch.

Then she sat down beside me again—this time sitting closer to the back cushion and leaning back.

She even lifted one of her legs and smoothly crossed it over the other.  

She had truly made herself comfortable, which made me feel a little more content.

She looked better like this.

“Okay,” I sighed deeply, blinking a few times as I stared at her, noticing the dim lighting reflecting off every perfect detail of her face. “Let’s talk,” I determined.

Monroe nodded once, her stare not wavering from mine. “Let’s talk, Liberty.”