An Actual First Draft, Gosh Darnit

Hi Jill, I just began rereading the Fantasy Heroine draft and I absolutely loved it! Something I thought might be interesting is perhaps more flashback scenes of Rosamund with Hugo or Cat before the plot begins. If that's something you have ideas for or something you think would benefit the story, it could help to expand the worldbuilding element and give a more concrete idea for Abrenia. I also think it'd be interesting to see more of King Roland, Queen Cat, and Queen Eudosia. How did Cat meet Roland and become Queen? Is there more info you can give on Queen Eudosia and her previous conflict with Roland's father? This might help add to your wordcount and help us further understand the relationship between the two kingdoms. Thank you for this amazing story!

Cheyanne Lencioni

Haha, let's make this one a complete book before we go crazy :D

Jill Bearup

Applause! Wonderful. Is it too soon to ask, or at least, hope for more?

Michael Gammill

So, finaly came to it to download it on my eReader =) Looking forward to reading it.

Claudia

Brava! This draft reads much smoother than the previous. I especially like the changes made to the second half that really help the characters grow into the romance. Very good 😊

Thank you :)

Jill Bearup

Thank you, I appreciate all of them! :)

Jill Bearup

Thanks, non-fictional Catherine :) It completely passed me by that this is the first time they've actually seen each other in person since...actually, I don't know when since, now I need to work that out. Also, I don't know what's up with Patreon, but I didn't get a notification for this at all. Weird. (Probably linked to the messages being broken, now I think about it).

Jill Bearup

I just finished reading the draft and it was wonderful! Sure, some typos here and there, but I was completely sucked into this world you created haphazardly, so good job. The ending with both Rosamund AND Caroline being happy left me with such a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, so thank you for creating and posting your fantastic content on the internet!

Imiliri

I love how the attempted love triangle is dialed up now. Caroline's ongoing frustration makes more sense. And I like that she now talks to robin instead of The Administrator even though that was a great character in the videos :D

I love this so much!  You're a really great writer and I'm enjoying getting to see the writing process! My thoughts... take them or leave them :) 1. As a 27-yr-old myself, I had a hard time seeing Leo that young, he seems more mature like he'd be in his 30s (or maybe I'm just immature lol) 2. Great detail that Queen Eudosia has tried to send messengers before. 3. I can't get over Caroline's "very single" interruption :D 4. I agree with a previous comment that Rosamund seems a little too calm after the bandit attack. But I thought it was a good touch to have her physically struggle with talking afterwards. 5. I'm a little confused about Leo's injury, it sounds like a deep cut but he's able to continue the journey mostly fine while later on Rosamund has to rest for days after a more shallow cut? 6. Leo returning Rosamund's knife and Caroline deciding to interfere helped the accidental-attack scene, in the earlier draft I hadn't been sure what Caroline was aiming for. And I like that Leo gets mad at Caroline when she confronts him. 7. Maybe mention Charlotte and Edmund by name earlier in the story? When Rosamund mentions Charlotte styling her hair, a new reader might not know who she is. 8. Ch. 9 "no you're much prettier" my heart just melted! 9. Ch. 11, not quite sure why Mabry knowing about the peace talks puts Roland in greater danger since he's already on the lookout for the assassin? 10. Henry's "it wouldn't work anyway" in Ch. 15 really adds to the similarity between him and Leo. 11. Was NOT expecting the kiss in Ch. 16, I had the same reaction as Caroline. I like it, and how when Rosamund gets home her mind is a little eased remembering that she enjoyed kissing him. 12. I love that we get to see the church kiss from Rosamund's perspective, too... and that she admits, so soon after, that she fell in love with him a little because of it! 13. I miss the Administrator, but the scene works really well with Robin. 14. We see Eudosia arrive, but aren't told when Roland does. 15. The new scene of Leo telling Rosamund about Hugo's death is good, and I think it works better how it happens earlier in the story. 16. I love the glimpses of Caroline trying to ask Henry out. 17. Felt like the scene with Rosamund and her children after the Feast ended a little abruptly. Maybe she could stay till they fall asleep? 18. I really like Caroline and Leo's talk at the end of Ch. 24 and the happy opening of Ch. 25 19. Robin and Elinor are so cute together! 20. Can we please get more of Rosamund and Robin? It seems like she's annoyed with him in a lot of their scenes and I'd love to see more of their friendship, maybe even with Robin  offering some encouragement since he knows her new marriage is hard at first. 21. I like Rosamund and Leo's kind-of-argument about her risking her life to save him. 22. The "I need you" scene is beautiful! As are Rosamund's conversations with Caroline about Henry. 23.. Can we see some of Caroline and Henry's date? Or maybe she tells Rosamund about it afterwards? 24. Yay, we finally see Leo calling her Rosy!

L J

I, like Caroline, was not expecting this moment. But that's Rosamund for you, apparently.

Jill Bearup

"Wobbled through my Monday like Rosamund on her wedding day" is absolutely a mood. I'm glad to have engrossed you though :D (Not sorry!)

Jill Bearup

This has been a fantastic and thoroughly engrossing read, and I *loved* all the new/expanded bits that flesh out the story we knew from the shorts! Looking forward to any and all further bits we'll get along your journey to publishing! (To put into context just how engrossing it was: I started reading on Sunday. Put it down sometime after 2am. My baby daughter started poking me in the face at half 4. Wobbled through my Monday like Rosamund on her wedding day. Wanted to read "a bit more before bed". Finished it at 3am. Not sorry :D )

Oh and the addition of the kiss in 16 gave me the exact same reaction as Caroline, if with more squeeing as my ship got together ✨

KiwiKay

I’m still working my way through the draft, but I just finished chapter 19 and I thought it was amazing! As much as I love the administrator, Caroline having that moment with Robin is BRILLIANT! It’s great we’re getting to see more of him this time around.

KiwiKay

Annnnnd done :) It's good bones and the strong potential. It just needs more fullness to it that comes in those later drafts

So Saturday morning when I was deciding was I well enough to go to work (2-10 shift) I admit I thought "If I stay off sick I can read the new draft". But I was good, I stayed off sick to go back to bed for a few hours before reading the new draft. :) New Likes: (it's a lot of little things that are improvements). 1) Ch 3: The fawning attention from the nobles along the way is now explained. 2) Ch 7: the ballroom, the ending still unlocks my allergies me every time but Henry's comment just as Rosy and Hugo are kissing is perfectly placed, we're just melting with the kiss and about to be hurled into an abyss. 3) Ch 16: Rosy now kisses Leo and Caroline is "Wait, What?" Funny, exciting and sweet. 4) Ch 24: in the chapel is now the rival for emotional tenseness to Chapter 7. 5) The Administor's conversation being turned into Robin's. While I'll miss The Administrator it's better this way. 6) The overly familiar Lord Stanley standing by Lord Mabry. 7) The cut and thrust of Carrie and Henry is great. 8) Everyone loves Leo challenging Carrie, I love that you use this powerful Leo to let Carrie express her side in a sympathetic manner including the way that she spent time trying to come up with a way of not killing Rosy. We really like Carrie more here. I'd like to see improved: (In addition to what's being said by others already). 1) I feel there's a lot that's clear in your head but it doesn't always come across. In Chapter 3 Caroline says that "Dress details were fine" but outside Roland's castle we rarely know what anyone is wearing. We only find out that in the ambush Leo is wearing a helmet and Rosy isn't after the fight. If it was a "Fantasy Romance" I'd expect more costume descriptions (to clarify, I'm generally happy as it lets me put my own clothing idea's on the characters (especially the blue dress that Baen would insist on having on the cover) but I feel you're letting one of your strenghts go to waste here. (Contrast with Wheel of Time where you are told about everyone who has lace at their wrists or throats)). 2) Tone of voices. Especially in the early chapters based on the Video's you know how the voice should sound but a new reader won't. To illustrate, In the book you recommended I find the Millenial Mage too annoying at times but then I remember how you read bits and I hear the voices differently. (Don't tell my shrink I said that ;) ). Similarly a bit more explaining is something being said Sharply, Softly, Slowly, Bitingly could help. 3) Ch 3 "The ongoing drought", mentioned once but never referenced again. I love @lunarstargazer's comment about about the drought making the rain at the river scene more dangerous but afterwards everything is all hunky dory agriculturally wise. At the very least at Chez Hawkhurst there should be reference to the rains having come in time or the fire would have spread faster and the plants would be looking more dead if it hadn't come. 4) Re the Shepherd's hut. One reason they could want to use well water than river water would be because the churning flood had turned the water mud coloured. 5) Ch 3 page 3 "Their first two days on the road were uneventful, and Rosamund was grateful. The roads were clear" would "for which Rosamund was grateful" flow better? 6) Ch 24: In the Chapel there's pictures on the wall, a high table with half a dozen candles in an elaborate stand and some benches. Where are the benches in relation to the table? Rosy sits down at the bench beside Leo, then when Caroline talks to her "She turned around, leaning back on the table". So on first reading the table is at the top of the room with a series of benches going down the room like a chapel, but now a bench is beside the table, Did Leo walk past Rosy to get to her? I'm sorry I'm being picky over furniture placement in such a powerfully painfully scene but ... it doesn't match up to me. 7) Ch 19: Why does Caroline start talking to Robin and why isn't she surprised that he appears? Previously the Administrator had sent her to Robin. There should be something said when he appears because at first Carrie doesn't know Robin can fix the problem so why is she talking to him? Does she go to him for a different perspective, is she puzzled that he starts talking to her or what? Again I enjoyed that draft. As always all quibbles can be thrown in the delete file.

Fenrir Wolfganger

Excellent work! Like all first drafts, it's a bit rough around the edges, but it's got very good bones. I found myself alternating between being really mad a Caroline for meddling, and really sympathetic towards her as she struggles to write in genre she's new to, and take a shot at writing characters that are more psychologically realistic than what she's done before. (Presumably, I'm inferring from context and that might not be what you intended me to infer.) More Caroline, please?

Liz Endreson

After Leo tells Rosy about what happened the night Hugo died, there's moment when Leo hugs her, and the next line is 'She wept for a while, but it wasn’t long before she pulled herself back together' It's a little contradictory, but was also a moment when I really wanted more. It's very emotional. Rosy finally knows how what happened to Hugo, her feelings are conflicted, and her new husband is comforting her while she mourns her old husband. So...what does she do, while she weeps and Leo holds her? Does she hold him back? Does she try to pull him closer? Does she hold onto him, or onto his shirt? Or maybe she doesn't return the hold at all? Are her arms at her side, or wrapped around herself? Is she tense, trying to pull herself together, or does she relax against him, letting herself get the tears out? There's a lot of potential that can express where Rosy is in her feelings at that moment, and how much she wants Leo to be a part of that, without having to say anything about how she is actually feeling. Also, just a personal thing, I think a lovely little tension cutter at some point would be for Rosy to mention how she keeps dirtying his shirts (when she cries on them) and have him quip 'Don't worry, My Lady, it's the same shirt.'

Mine hasn't been loading on my phone

Rose Sedgwick

I thought the classism was related to the dream/memory with Hugo, and there was a hint of classism or something similar against her and her sister, until her marriage elevated her.

On pg. 187 (of the ebook, at least): "Leo thought he had some ideas about that [guard rotas, where to find more reliable soldiers], too, but maybe not the kind he'd like to mention to his former employer." Nothing ever follows up on that, as far as I remember, although I did feel hints were dropped at multiple points that the Bevorian military had a lot of issues with junior officer competence and/or perhaps didn't devolve enough authority to NCOs (or... whatever the feudal equivalent is?), and that Leo was acutely aware of this. A (possibly slightly related?) loose thread on pg. 61; Henry explicitly asks Caroline why R. is so annoyed by casual classism, but it never really comes back around.

Teensy thing bugging me about the whole making the marriage valid thing. The whole issue is about how Leo wouldn't know the consummation is a legal matter. But it's stated pretty outright Rosy couldn't strike it from the contract. Did Leo not read the marriage contract? Could there possibly be a moment in the conversation where he admits he didn't, and thought aside from what they verbally agreed to he just assumed the rest was 'standard,' and maybe regrets just skimming the rest that this awkward conversation is now needed?

Yes, it's supposed to go: ‘No. It’s not the same. But it’s not important right now. Please, just let the man fix my hair in peace.’ ‘But—‘ 'Leave me alone, Caroline.' :D

Jill Bearup

Glad you're enjoying it! :)

Jill Bearup

Page 60 'But tjtaLet' should probably just be 'Let'.

Allan West

Still reading. I'm only about halfway through with lots of distractions this week! I love the expanded Caroline and Henry line.

Ann Brookens

Sorry you had a not-good day, I’m glad Caroline et al could improve it for you 🙂

Jill Bearup

I love it. I love how you added more of the youtube series into the story. And I think it was a good decision to get rid of Caroline's multiple personalities (the administrator), but still keeping that bit in the story with Robin. And I absolutely love how the story evolves and now we're getting to see the "sequels" to the youtube shorts. And I also love how much more we see of Robin and the kind of loveable jerk that he is. I also needed this. It wasn't a good day today (nothing awful, just not good. 4 out of 10. I hate migraines, thunderstorms and careless drivers). This made my day considerably better.

Jef Van Vinckenroye

Ah, yes! You’re right, there was…stuff I forgot to add which went along with that, both before the attack and in the end scene. Thanks! 😊

Jill Bearup

That filled in most of the things I felt were hole-like in the earlier protodraft pretty well. Happily (re)read in two sittings. The new scene around page 172 of the ebook (Rosamund telling Leo they needed to pretend to be madly in love for social reasons) is fine on its own, but struck me as a bit of an unfired Chekov's gun unless it was going off in the final scene. I was quite curious at the time whether Rosamund was pushing that because: a) as she said, she didn't want people inferring (semi-correctly) she married Leo only because he was the handiest Bevorian citizen b) Leo was being uncooperative, and telling him it was a covert operation seemed the easiest way to seduce him c) she was at some level aware enough of her own issues and decided the most expedient way to push through and desensitize was play-acting. I lean mostly to just a) with perhaps a bit of c) (Rosamund seems to be a fair actress but not really very duplicitous), but it was all rendered mostly moot by the attack.