The Captain's Heart CH 109

“What do I want to do to that man?” Jeremy chuckled at the question. Leiha hadn’t asked about him as often as he’d expected, since he’d told her about Omar Seywan, but as she had now, when she did, it took him by surprise. “I want to wring his neck, throw him in that cursed machine and let him see just how good it feels to be ‘healed’.” He took a breath. “I guess that doesn’t reflect all that good, does it?”

“The male orchestrated your torture. Wanting him to feel what you went through isn’t unreasonable. The real question is how far you intend to go to make that happen.”

He nodded. At the height of his anger, when she’d finally got him to voice it, he’d torn the Federation apart when describing what he’d do to get his revenge. Now?

“I don’t want to do anything. I’m not willing to sacrifice what I have, with I’m regaining, just for the satisfaction of seeing the terror on his face.” It was a large part of what she’d made him realize. That his fantasy of revenge didn’t come with the happy ending movies gave them. Even Kelsirian ballads tended to smooth their endings when they weren’t recounting historical events. “If he doesn’t bother me. We’ll both live our lives to the best of our abilities.”

“And if he does bother you?”

He flexed his hand, and the claws extended at the glove’s fingertips. “I’m going to defend myself. I’m going to protect what’s mine, tooth and claws. I am not ever letting him take my life, take my will, away from me again.” He locked eyes with her. “If it comes to that. I will kill him.”

She nodded without visible judgment.

“How are you progressing with overcoming what was done to you?”

This shift didn’t catch him as much by surprise. Getting him emotional, then addressing a sore point, was a tactic she returned to.

He sighed. “We’re taking.” He actively avoided thinking of who he was talking with. “But it’s always there. At the edge, listening for anything that indicates who I’m talking with. It’s fucking frustrating and exhausting to always have to be aware of my thoughts then. Our conversations should be…. I don’t know. Natural. There should be mindless back and forth. Instead, I have to tiptoe around everything.”

“As much as before?”

“No, either I’ve gotten better at keeping my thoughts from it, or it’s not as effective, but I have the time to catch slip-ups now. Small ones, anyway.”

“A bit of both,” she said. “You are certainly better at keeping some thoughts to yourself when it comes to me.”

“Sorry. I’m not trying to hide anything. Well,” he added at her smile, “not this time.”

She nodded. “Do you want to continue with these sessions?”

It took him a second to work out what she’d asked. “I didn’t think I got a say in how long I had them. Aren’t you the one supposed to determine that?”

“Until I felt you were able to make such a decision. My role is to help you through the process of untangling what was done to you so you can resolve it. So my question is, do you think you need my help in such a structure way still?”

He almost said yes. He was used to these meetings. There was a comfort in having her evaluate his conclusions, confirm he was on the right track.

But it was all that it was, wasn’t it? Comfort in the familiar. When was the last time she’d actively guided his decision making when it came to dealing with the programming? Over a month? More? These last sessions were nothing more than her asking what he’d done. What he planned on doing. Any time he’d had a problem, he’d had to deal with it on his own or—

“I’ll still be able to call you if I need help, right?”

“Of course. As your counselor and your friend, I will always be here if you need me.”

He nodded. “Then I think I’m good with officially continuing this on my own.”

“Very well.” She typed something. “Technician Jeremy Bradshaw, you are now released from mandatory sessions with your counselor. May the winds always favor your hunt.”

“Thank you.” He stood. “For everything Leiha. I don’t know how I’d….” He trailed off.

“You are welcome, Jeremy. Beyond my duty to anyone of the crew, I’m glad I was there when you needed help. That you trusted me with your problems and your friendship.”

When her expression turned expectant, he realized he was still looking for a way to convey his gratitude after she’d already accepted it. “Have a good shift,” he said, then exited her office.

*

“Read’m and weep.” Bob lay the royal flush on the table, grinning.

Thuruk looked at Jeremy, ear tilted questioningly.

“Don’t look at me to translate. I’m starting to think he’s got an entirely different version of English in his head than mine.”

“Then why would we weep?” Scarif asked.

“Scar, my boy.”

Jeremy choked on his coffee.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded. “You get what you’re implying with that short of a name, right?”

“That me and Scar are really, really—” he raised an eyebrow “—really good friends?”

“Good friends who fuck,” Scarif said, and Jeremy was glad his coffee was on the table.

“We aren’t quite that upfront with that stuff, Scar,” Bob said.

“Okay, so, how did you two get so…friendly?”

“We met using your weight machine. Since you told me about the one in an alley, I figured I’d use that instead of always bothering you. I showed up once with Scar still using it. We got to talking, to working out together. To sharing a shower, and getting to know each other—” he smiled “—really well.”

“Didn’t they do the same thing to you they did to Jeremy?” Prertiros asked. “He doesn’t seem to have the ease you do at accepting to have sex with friends.”

“I have someone,” Jeremy stated, while keeping any thought of who out of his mind.

“They broke my mind every which way to Sunday,” Bob replied. “My counselor says that having to live with that for a decade plus made my mind more adaptable. There are things I like, things I don’t, but I don’t seem to do disgust, or any kind of extreme reaction. I can still contemplate violence. Pretty sure I can be violent, but I don’t know if I could be ‘driven to violence’, if you know what I mean.”

The people around the poker table nodded.

“Anyway. You weep, because I get all your money.” A tap on the table and the amount in the pot transferred to Bob.

Jeremy wasn’t sure how he felt about how Bob had gotten enough money to gamble like this with it. His friend had told him about the transaction between him and Xenial, but he hadn’t known what had been included in the exchange. Based on the amount, he couldn’t be limited to the collection of old movies Bob had reconstructed from the signal of Old Earth. Xenial’s morals were also sufficiently loose that he’d have no trouble dealing in dangerous information. Bob had had a military ship to himself for nearly twenty years. Even without skill, he was bound to have come across data the Earth military didn’t want floating around.

“Well, I hope you don’t mind,” Bob said, “But I think I’m going to head off and—”

“We do,” Jeremy said, then smiled. “I think we deserve a chance to get back some of that money you took from us.”

Bob looked at them. “The stats aren’t in your favor of that happening.”

“Xeniila Haran is a fickle lover,” Thuruk said. “Take for granted he’ll be in your bed, and you’ll find yourself lonely.”

Bob sat down. “If you think luck’s why I keep winning, then you deserve the coming trouncing.”

*

“What the eta for the station?” he asked his friend.

“It’s on the system, you know that, right?”

Jeremy stretched in the bed, which lifted him off the bowled bottom. “Yeah, but I wouldn’t have a reason to talk with you then.” He relaxed.

His friend chuckled. “You don’t need reasons to call me, other than you want to.”

“Oh, I want to. How was your day?”

Another chuckle. “Uneventful. Spent most of it going over files and in meetings with the heads of the ship’s departments. And we will be at Ashgoran Station in a little over two months. How was your day?”

“Boring. Alix’s being an ass again for some reason and had me crawling through the conduits fixing this, fixing that. He’s fucking lucky I didn’t tell him what I thought of getting me to do work we have Repairs for.”

Another chuckle.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh bullshit. What do you know that’s got you chuckling at my misfortune?”

“All I will say is that I have never known Alix to do anything without considering why he is doing it.”

“To piss me off.”

“The Engineer doesn’t gain anything from making his technicians angry with him. And he doesn’t get a thrill out of using the power his rank grants him.”

Jeremy sighed. “I know. It’s just frustrating to be sent to do that kind of work without being told why. A technician doesn’t question the Engineer,” he said preemptively. “He trusts that he knows what he is doing.”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” he said reluctantly. “That’s one thing that was obvious early on. He doesn’t do frivolous orders. I just wish I knew why, that’s all.”

“I’m sure that when he feels the time is right, he will explain his reasoning.”

“I guess you’re right. Anyway, I should go to sleep. I—” he felt the programming prickle. “I’m glad I called you.”

“I’m glad you did. Sleep well Jeremy.”

*

“What are you looking forward to doing once we’re at Ashgoran?” he asked Bob. When the reply didn’t come, he opened his eyes to look at the only other human on the sand.

Bob was looking around in appreciation.

Jeremy hadn’t missed the erection, but ignored it. “It’s like every time we come here for a swim, you act like you’ve never seen a naked Kelsirian.”

“Been alone with nothing but my hand and a limited selection of porn for too many years. I am going to drink in the sight of so many amazing bodies any chance I get.”

“Xenophile,” he accused without vehemence.

Bob snorted. “I’m not the one who won’t sleep with his own kind.”

“I have someone.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think you’d sleep….”

Jeremy was surprised at the lack of reaction from the programming. He hadn’t meant to say it. He’d actively avoided thinking of the relationship he was in since it used to trigger a link to who he was in it with, and that was asking for an attack. But it hadn’t even let out a prickle. He still didn’t think of who he was in a relationship with. The beach wasn’t the place to have a freakout attack.

“And you’re back with us?” Bob asked.

“Yeah. Sorry, just made a realization.”

“That if you were single, you’d take me to bed?”

“I don’t know. Because of how they made sure I’d never look at men that way, I don’t have a frame of reference for how might feel about them, sexually. I know I’ve drawn naked guys in my teens, kind of how I ended up at the doctor and got my head screwed with the first time. But I don’t remember how I felt about that.”

“Well, just remember that I’m only here for a limited amount of time. After that, you’ll have missed your chance. And, just to prove I was paying attention. Once we reach Ashgoran, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m taking things one day at a time.” He stood. “And now I’m going back in the water. I have no idea how you can stand this heat.”

Jeremy watched Bob vanish into the water, thinking over what he’d said. He didn’t remember how he felt about the drawings, but once he was back in his quarters, he could test if human men did anything to him. They’d been so set on targeting one person, the programming didn’t trigger if he thought of men in general. Even naked ones.

He simply hadn’t felt a need to do so before.

And now, it wasn’t so much need, and more curiosity.

*

“I’m sorry,” his friends said. “You did what?”

“You object?”

“No, of course not. I’m just surprised. You never mentioned an interest in them.”

“Didn’t know I had one.”

“And now that you know?”

“Doesn’t change the fact I’m with someone.”

“True.”

“So yeah. Turns out human men turn me on, too.”

“That’s good to know.”

Jeremy chuckled. “How was your day?”

“Much like the previous ones. The problem with being as organized as I am is that everything is in good order well before we reach our destination, so I don’t have that last minute working on everything that captains of other ships seem to enjoy so much.”

“I don’t think they’re being honest.”

His friend chuckled. “Possibly not. Some of us do seem to feel a need to only show themselves with shining fur.”

“That probably takes more work than it’s worth.”

“So I expect. Sleep well, Jeremy. I need to get to bed myself. I have meetings early tomorrow.”

“Sleep well, too.”

*

“Technician Jeremy Bradshaw,” The Engineer called from the door to his office. “I need to see you.”

“Someone’s in trouble,” Technician Shebitan Korial Semirian sing-sang.

“Or is in for a good time,” Technician Asherik Toreborek said. “I hear the Engineer’s fun.”

Jeremy didn’t respond to the playful jabs, too worried about why the Engineer needed him to come to his office. He usually had no problem explaining someone’s mistake at their station.

Since keeping him waiting wouldn’t improve the situation, he headed there.

There was a second chair before a secondary console.

“Sit,” the Engineer instructed, then brought up information. “Go through the data, pull the work results, give me your evaluation of them.”

He swallowed his question. He trusted the Engineer knew what he was doing.

Quickly he realized the data was about relays Jeremy was now too familiar with, due to multiple days of crawling into the conduits, scanning and replacing or repairing those that needed it. Those weren’t the relays he’d worked on, so the Engineer wasn’t asking him to evaluate his own work; he wasn’t that cruel.

Then he quickly noticed a pattern in the work being done.

He smiled. “You son of a bitch.”

He would never have noticed the discrepancy if not for the hours spent doing the work himself.

Outline section 

No Outline

Addition 

Establishing Jeremy no longer had appointment with the psychologist

Document the building friendship with Bob. Possibly with some cooking. More conversation with Gral, show they’re getting more and more comfortable. Work, of course. At the tail end, possibly have Jeremy working in Alix’s office for the first time.

Take Bob to the beach

Another chapter whose main purpose is to establish that time passes. But I manage to have it serve other plans as well. The big one, which is ultimately a change in the relationship from the outlines is that Bob and Jeremy have become friends.

Bob’s easy with sex is also something of a new things here. Which led to Jeremy’s experimentation and establishing he isn’t against sex with humans, just never had the chance. Interestingly, this might alter some things well down the line.