The Captain's Heart CH 89

Gralgiran pulled the bundle of sheets and clothing against him, breathing in what he could of Jeremy’s scents. Even without washing them

Gralgiran pulled the bundle of sheets and clothing against him, breathing in what he could of Jeremy’s scents. Even without washing them, there was little of his Heart left. After over a month without him in the bed, his own had overpowered them.

His absence had been made more bearable by how his smell permeated the air in the apartment, but that had been the first to vanish. Less than a day of air circulation, and Jeremy had been removed. He’d clung to the clothing, the beddings, and while that took longer, each time he pulled them to him, he rubbed some off, replacing it with his until he now had to bury his muzzle deep for a reminder he hadn’t always been alone in this bed.

Of everything he missed, the company was the strongest. Even the sex had become an absence that no longer bothered him. It was something that accumulated and would be spent when Jeremy was back. But the solitude was more difficult to bear.

The days were easy to fill. When he wasn’t working, he had his friends to hang out with. There was always one who wasn’t sleeping or working at any given shift. But the nights…

He couldn’t spend it with his friends. Inviting one, even a female, would lead to more being invited, and with his male friends, they would initiate things, and he’d have to put that to a stop. Which would require explaining about Earther’s exclusive pairing, and hoping they understood it.

The experience with Toom did not inspire confidence.

As it was, he put all his effort into maintaining his spirits up when out of the apartment. Both for the crew, and because he didn’t need his friend’s well meant intervention.

Maybe he needed a new class of friends. Some who wouldn’t be interested in having things progress toward a form of intimacy. Even females headed for that, even when that intimacy wasn’t sexual, and in his state, Gralgiran didn’t know if he could offer it.

Blurry eyed, he looked at the clock.

Too early, but spending more time in bed only meant he missed his Heart. Once he was up and about, he had distraction.

    *

“Are you with me, Captain?” the Psychologist asked.

“Sorry.” He’d been wondering what Jeremy’s sessions were like. He’d read the report she forwarded him, but they didn’t address the details of the sessions. Those were private. They told him his Heart wanted to fight, to make progress. But it was slow. This was like nothing she’d treated before. She didn’t know when the breakthrough would happen.

“What is distracting you?”

He snorted. “The same thing as the previous sessions. I miss him.”

“He isn’t gone. You still have your Heart.”

He shook his head. She didn’t understand. She couldn’t. He hadn’t, until he found his Heart.

“Explain it to me.”

“I don’t know how to explain it correctly,” he replied. If he could, maybe he could make Toom understand.

“This isn’t the academy, Captain. You won’t be rated on the accuracy of your answer.”

“My Heart is Earther.”

“As I am aware,” she said when he didn’t continue.

He shook his head again. “My Heart is Earther.”

“Captain, I’m well aware you are projecting, hoping I’ll pick up on what you don’t want to say. But I’ve closed myself off. You lack the skill to force me to notice your thoughts.”

He deflated, realizing he’d hoped to be told what was up with him.

“Doesn’t it make sense, then, that I’d have Earther characteristics?”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe that’s why I’m okay with an exclusive pairing. Why I don’t feel guilty about not going to my friends to satisfy my sexual needs.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t know,” he snapped in exasperation. “I don’t know how any of this is supposed to work. There have never been cross species Hearts before. No one’s written a manual explaining how having the Heart of someone so different affect them.”

“Have you considered writing that manual?”

He stared at her. “And put what in it? If you love your Heart, which you will, it won’t matter what you’ve been taught, what others think you’ll do what you feel is best for that love because it doesn’t matter what the gods decreed, the idea I could lose Jeremy’s love is just too much to bear.”

She smiled. “That actually sounds like something whoever is in your situation will want to know.”

He stared again. What had he said? He’d just talked without thinking.

“Without judging,” she said.

“I thought you said I didn’t have the skills to get you to notice my thoughts.”

“My position, on this side of the desk, doesn’t require me to tell the truth. Only to get you to see yours.”

“Yours saying I can force you to hear my thoughts?” He realized the truth. “You never closed yourself off.”

“As someone here to assist you through your issues, closing myself off would be counterproductive. The skill I have is that of not reacting to your thoughts, because being told what the issue is will not help you.”

“Certainly feels like it would be easier than forcing me to wade through everything in my mind.”

She smiled. “I find it interesting that someone so well named for the gods of justice and the hunt wants things to be easy.”

“I’m not my namesakes. And even they appreciate not having to rip everything apart to get results.”

“Do they?”

“I don’t know! I’m not the mentalist!”

She laughed. “If you are looking for insight into the minds of the gods, you want to speak to the seers.”

“I’m not the one looking to get in their heads,” he accused her.

“It isn’t their heads I’m looking to have explained to me.”

“I thought about getting the air from his apartment pumped into mine so I could convince myself he’s still there. Just away at work or with his friends.”

“Why aren’t you having it done?”

“It can’t be done. The entire system is designed for air to be cleaned before it is recirculated. Someone would have to go into his apartment and put the air in a tank and bring that to me. I don’t think having someone in his apartment for any reason would help the situation.”

“I believe you are correct.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” he asked, at a loss.

“The same thing you did when you first met him and he didn’t recognize you. Trust that the gods will Meddle.”

    *

“Enter.”

Instead of one of the bridge crew, or one of his betas, Toom entered his office. “We need to talk.”

He dismissed the files and gave his friend all his attention. “About what?”

“I let it go when he shared your bed, Gral. You said the sex was satisfying and I’m not going to doubt you. But it’s been six weeks now, and you haven’t come to any of us. Why?”

He turned the would be sigh into a deep breath. “I explained why, Toom.”

“You told me why they’re like that. I know you, Gral. You love sex. If we’re all busy, or just because you feel like it, you go to the club, bring a lucky male to an alley and you have sex. How can you tell me that six weeks without isn’t causing you to want to throw yourself out of an airlock?”

“That wouldn’t resolve anything, Toom.”

“You know what I fucking mean!”

This time the sigh escaped as itself. “And I wish you understood what I mean.”

“You’re doing it for him, yeah, I—”

“No, I’m doing it for me, Toom,” he snapped. “I’m doing it because I want to respect him and the way he was raised. He isn’t forcing anything. It’s my decision.”

“How can you survive not having sex?”

“By borrowing Alix’s trick.”

“Toys? Really?”

Gralgiran shrugged. “It’s better than nothing.”

“But you don’t have to have nothing, Gral. I’m right here.”

“I know you want to help, Toom. But this is my decision. My choice to do without.”

“I don’t get it,” his friend said, sounding defeated.

“I know. And I don’t know how to explain it beyond what I already did.”

“So that’s it? You just give up on sex?”

“I’m not giving up anything, Toom. I’m saving it up for when Jeremy comes back to me.”

    *

“Enter.” This time, he knew who to expect, since the request for the meeting had been formally made. The beta escorted the female in, then left once Gralgiran nodded.

For someone so massive, she looked rather uncomfortable. He’d read her file, so he knew what she was capable of, but he considered her crimes expunged by her surviving the incarceration center, and she hadn’t caused any trouble on his ship.

“How can I help you, Rrojinfra fremalr Jamorink?”

She hesitated. “I want to become a hunter.”

“Then, be one.”

She looked at him in disbelief. “It isn’t that simple,” she said, but without confidence. “Is it? I’ve heard stories.”

He rolled his eyes. “Everyone hears stories and ballads. But they’re out there to warn, not encourage. You’re right, it’s not simple. But it starts with a decision which it seems you’ve made.”

“What do I do next?”

“Apply for hunter training. You will be among the oldest taken. We prefer having decades to train future hunters, but so long as you can do one thing, you will be given a chance to prove yourself.”

“What do I need to do?” she asked with confidence.

“Honor the gods.”

Confusion again.

There was a reason almost all hunters came from traditionalist families.

“We aren’t the military. We are the gods’ hunters. We answer to them first, and then the leadership. That requires us to respect and honor them.”

“What if I can’t?”

With the life she’d lived, the life she had had to fight to maintain, he could see how she’d lost the belief that the gods looked after them. He doubted the incarceration center had done anything to rekindle it.

And he couldn’t give it to her.

“Then, you won’t be a hunter. That doesn’t mean you can’t protect our people. The military is always—”

“That isn’t— That’s not why—” she looked lost again.

“Your reasons are your own, Rrojinfra fremalr Jamorink. We all become hunters for different ones. I’m just telling you what’s needed for a chance at being one of us.”

“How do you do it?”

He tilted an ear.

“They didn’t protect your Heart. How do you still believe they care?”

He took his time answering. “I doubt them, sometimes. When I’m angry. When I’m confronted with an injustice I can’t fix. I sometime scream at them. But when I calm down, I remember I’m only one male. One insignificant male among an uncountable number of them the gods are looking after. And I trust that when it matters, they will Meddle.”

“But they…”

He nodded. “I’ve screamed at them because of what the Earthers did to Jeremy. Then, once I calmed down, I remembered that if it had mattered, they would have Meddled. That they didn’t, tells me he doesn’t need their Meddling to overcome what was done. I trust that he will get through it.”

“I don’t know how. I don’t know if I ever did.”

He nodded again. “Trust is easy to lose, difficult to regain. But you need to be willing to risk giving it if you want a chance to have it returned. The gods don’t demand anything of you, Rrojinfra fremalr Jamorink. Thuruksamian wants you to be happy. He wants that of all of us. But it’s on us to hunt for it, because for them to Meddle in your happiness means it matters to a possibly dangerous degree.”

The fur on the nape of his neck stood on end as he realized one of them had Meddled in his and Jeremy’s happiness.

What were the consequences of that be?

Outline section 

No Outline

Addition 

They are on their way to Kelser. Months have to be accounted for in the story telling. Jeremy isn’t cured by the time they there but will be better.

Gralgiran listens in on the pirate broadcast and hears about the attack on Jeremy. It includes details they can only know if someone on the ship is feeding them information. He goes to the most likely source, but the quartermaster is not behind it.

The machine was confiscated by the federation. All the crew has are the scans they were able to make of it before hand.

Toom confronts Gralgiran about him still not having sex with others even with Jeremy not there.

more things happening while time passes. the only thing left in the addition was Toom confronting Gral, so the rest was added. I feel it's important to show Gral getting therapy. even a hunter as experienced as he is, isn't 'unbreakable' the meeting with the freed prisoners occurred to me kind of on the spot. she'd interacted with Jeremy, it felt right she interact with Gral, and it opens the door to adding nuances to Kelsirian society I can play on down the line