[Removed for Amazon] Quest Academy - Revised Chapters (51, 52, 53 and 54)
Added 2024-10-16 21:15:59 +0000 UTCHey Everyone,
So, I chained myself to the computer today and attacked the edits. You'll notice that the first batch came to roughly 12,571 words, and this new batch come to 12,261. It'll look like there is only about 300 words of difference, but that's really... really not the case.
I've deleted a full chapter and expanded out two of the chapters with an extra 1,000 words or so worth of content. I know there's been comments that I seem to write to a specific wordcount, but that's not true. I write the scenes as I see them and expand them where necessary for my own vision of the story.
There will be some that prefer the original chapters, and I get that. If you still have thoughts on these, I'm more than happy to hear them.
So, onto the key changes:
In this rework, I've moved away from Fabi being overbearing and assuming control of Sal's future. That's gone now. Divinity is no longer drunk because of a deviated vision, and the focus on the Portal expedition has been toned down. While it still exists for... reasons, it's no longer the same contrived mess as before.
The darker tone is something that I wanted to explore as time moved on, and as we start moving more towards the Dungeons and Portals of the world. It didn't fit naturally in this set, so it's been changed. Divinity's struggle with her powers and her communication with Sal is what I wanted to convey in the first batch, but I realised that it wasn't the right time, and not fair to have Divinity drunk or recovering for that conversation. It's been toned down and they'll have a proper chat in the future.
Raven being hated was a surprise, as I didn't intend for him to come across as a dick. He's a golden retriever and will never lose his inner-child, but that wasn't conveyed because he spoke down to Upgrade and was dismissive of Supports. Plot got in the way of character, and it was broken from the start.
Quest has also been changed with the new storyline moving away from Sal's participation in the Portals. It is now an ominous thing for the future rather than something he decides to participate in by himself. You were all very correct in him being against his true nature of wanting to elevate the Supports and be helpful to his friends.
Okay, I think that sort of wraps it up. I'll keep the other chapters up until Monday for those that wish to compare and see what they think. Thank you all for the direction on these and for the feedback. I want to give you the best version of the story, and you holding me accountable to that is how I improve as a writer and get better over time.
Brian
Comments
I still heavily ship Divinity and Sal. Fabri kinda just came out of nowhere and something about her doesn't really click yet. Divinity and Barry just don't work and I can't see a future where they work well.
Keven Leigh
2024-12-31 23:39:26 +0000 UTCHonestly I just joined your patreon and I'm going through and I'm catching up with where you are right now so I don't know if you'll come back and read these comments but I hope that you might. I want to start off by getting into some story notes that might be helpful because there's some confusion in my mind about the skill implants and a few other little things. So as far as the skill implants from what the story has shown so far all it really needs to be implanted in somebody is that they have to have a huge amount of essence running through them at the time that and skill weave is active. This seems to almost fear the pattern into their psyche or whatever. If that is the case because that's what it really sounds like then shouldn't Sal have already imprinted the perfect ability before you started writing this book. I mean I honestly thought that his fight with the hooker in the amount of energy that was being pumped into him to heal him might have already imprinted it on him so I kind of felt that that was already inside of him and he just hadn't realized the reason why it was showing up whenever he scanned himself or on his gift card is because it was imprinted by accident. When I saw that it wasn't and that he let it go or that he had to let it go I suppose before the implants I was really confused because your implant scenario in that section also implies that all that is required for a skill to be implanted is that it is active inside the body when there is a huge amount of essence flooding in. So I think if that's not the case you need to go back and actually rework some of those sections to fill out that concept. Because even the overview you gave of the inplant process seems to point in that direction. (Grant transfers a skill to someone, they flood their body with Essence, the skill is available as long as they have a high enough sync rate) Like I said, I'm still catching up, so I'll mention it later once I have. I don't know you're plans for the future plot, but personally I like the idea that Sal will end up with Divinity. So, that might shave my perspective a little bit of what's going on and where you're heading. But I do feel that the whole first meeting with Fabi really paints Sal in a shallow light. He's been stressing over that vision and the possibility that he would marry her. He's been really anxious and trying to fight everybody who's been teasing him and telling them it's never going to happen. But the minute he sees her she's all the sudden someone he wants to actually end up with? How many already knows a lot about her as far as he's taking her courses he's listened to her advice he knows people who have interacted with her and they all have good things to say so we know something of her personality already and he's already been fighting it and then all the sudden he looks at her and the world Falls away. That's always seems so shallow to me and cliched. So if you're wanting to keep with the story that you've established I think there needs to be some rework in there. Sal has never really been a shower person from what we've seen. I didn't mean his first reaction when he thought of a body manipulator was to say that you wouldn't like somebody change but then he switched it around his joke. And he's teased around that idea a little bit as jokes. So far he really seems like he likes getting to know people before he forms any kind of opinion about them. Even with Barry he was patient with him even though Divinity had told him that he was going to be an obstacle to their goals but now they're best friends. It just feels like everything did a 180 the minute he saw her face and that's I don't know kind of feels weak to me. I mean it was really smart throw in this backstory of how they actually did know each other as kids and that it seems like he was the one that diagnosed Fabi with having all these knots in her weave. That was really good for building your story. But you also make it seems like neither of the remember too much about that time. So it is a good foundation to work going forward either with a friendship, or a business relationship, even a romantic one if that is what you are planning. But the Love or lust at first sight thing at the ball feels hollow. Like I said I'd prefer him to be with Divinity. That's not my choice though but there is something I'm going to say that feels off so far when it comes to the way that you're approaching this. The last interaction Sal had with Divinity was her vision of the future at the end of the last book. It felt like Sal was devistated by that vision and with the way that he obsesses on things, I kind of expected that to have more of an impact on him at the start of this book. In a lot of ways Divinity obsesses on things too. Eapesially when it is related to her visions. Then there is a huge brake of like a month and a half where there aren't any communicate between the two. But suddenly it's like nothing happened when they hit the gala. Not only that but the way you present it as Divinity "meddling" with Sal's future... Totally feels like there is a big well of resentment built up between them. I don't know you're plans for the future, but right now it feels like you're building them toward a contentious relationship. I also wanted to touch on something I picked up on the relationship with Barry. It seems like ththey are essentially becoming like brothers. And you have structured that really well. But that gets thrown off a bit with this depending on where you go with Sal and Divinity. I personally got the impression that Barry's drunken speech at the end of the first book haf turned out to be just that. In the last two books he and Divinity haven't really clicked in a romantic sense. There's been some teasing about the drunken confession, but no other signs. But when they ar at the bar, Sal is completely zoned into Barry chasing Divinity. It's not consistent either what you've established. IIf anything it's the exact opposite. Plus you immediately fallow that with Barry talking about his concerns of ending up with Victoria. It's all kind of a mess. But all of that is really a precursor to what I was picking up on. Barry hearing Divinity bear her soul (which because I want her to secretly be stearing things into a future where she and sal end up together), then the implication that he is chasing her, and the vibes I get regarding Sal ending up with Divinity, plus Barry's general trickster behavior: Barry's starting to feel evil. Just follow.my logic here: you have thrown a lot of breadcrumbs into Sal suppressing his feelings for Divinity because he is set in his though that she ends up alone because of a choice. Divinity knows about his true feelings after her putting the conical on for the first time. That was obviously somthing that could have a hugh impact on the future and a bright spot to her personally becaus it could lead new futures popping up. It's not inconsevable that after seeing his true she immediately looked to see if it was a possibility. I think that the way that you have it set up, that would be the moment she saw the ideal future. Her actions from that point on change slightly. She shows more frustration any time Sal's relationships with other women come up. It could be just that she hates using her power that way, but doesn't feel l that way. Then there was the Excursiothand, during which she sees Sal and Fabi connecting some point in the future, and then the announcement of the Tower run. Barry is really pushing her yo use her power, so she messes with him and maybe out of a little jealous she decides to tease Sal and gives the prediction that Sal end up with Fabi. Then there is their final meeting of the semester where she shows Sal part of her ideal future. Personally I want her to have blocked most of it because there is proof that she an Sal end up together. But now there has been a long period where they haven't talked. Sal is suddenly seeing hher as "meddling" when he has been super supportive of her visions. Which, the only thing I can think of as to why, is Barry's comment about Divinity stealing Sal to a specific future. Now without the context of Barry chasing her this doesn't mean anything. But if Barry has been chasing Divinity and he's been making comments to sell that's making him start to think of divinity as being manipulative using secrecy and then she has a confession to him that is supposed to be a bearing of her soul after she and Sal haven't talked for over a month and she watched him throw himself into peril for Fabi. It's not inconceivable that she might have confessed to Barry that she was trying to connect with Sal. And if she did and he's still chasing her and he's misleading Sal that's just evil. I know that's kind of a exaggeration but it does paint very in a very kind of subtle and manipulative way. So if your plans are to have Sal and her end up together it's paints Barry in a really bad picture in this instead of chapter. All of that being said I just wanted to let you know that the things that I was seeing in some of the plot. There's time to address some of it like adding more context to the relationship with Fabby or bringing up more communication with Sal and his friends. It just feels like there's this huge gap between where the last book ended and where we are now. And people aren't really responding in the story The Way normal people would to that kind of a gap after how close to three of them have become in the first semester The Perils they faced even with saw being shit at returning messages it seems like there should be more communication unless you're trying to drive a wedge in there and in which case I think there needs to be more anger or Obsession or something that will show that there's a wedge driving the story at the first of this book. Love the story I've reread the third book four times since it came out and I can't wait to see where you go with it. I hope my insights have been helpful or have highlighted something that you may not have planned for in your plot. All of the crafting stuff is so far in the book is amazing. I do think maybe as far as that part goes you might want to work in that He restored his previous outfit because there was a lot of cinematology toward that and to just ignore it for a month and a half even if he was busy when it takes him a few minutes to restore something kind of seems out of character.
Jacob Meyers
2024-11-19 03:10:53 +0000 UTCYou doing okay, OP?
J S
2024-10-28 11:57:02 +0000 UTCI really enjoyed the re-write. Having the future of the story less defined has me even more eager to see what comes next rather than watching the result of decisions that have been made play out. Having the future of the Quest Academy remain uncertain is really intriguing as well.
Richard Barnett
2024-10-23 00:21:34 +0000 UTC"We're both supports so are we doomed?" You're not both supports though. Fabi's a support and your an offense thpe choosing to act as a support. Hey! Just like your parents. What are the odds?
Darnell Maxwell
2024-10-22 01:32:04 +0000 UTCHonestly, I love the new direction you took the story, much more appropriate with respect to the characters. The thing I'm honestly disappointed in is with Divinity. Trust me, I love the her worrying about their friendship is done away with, but I think the fact that she was just was bombarded by people wanting to see the future is very hollow. It's clear that you tried to fix that plothole by putting a bandaid on it, but it's pretty weak. What I loved about the original version was that she got drunk because that future she saw of the Plaza was gone. I thought the speech she gave about seeing so few happy futures that she will cling to even the smallest possibility of survival gave a good insight into her character and motivation. There's a reason she's so obsessed with looking into the future and making sure everything lines up with the good future; because there are so few. This puts her at odds with Sal because he's sure that there is a better future than the one Divinity sees and is determined to do everything he can to advance to that future, even if that future isn't a possibility YET; he will make it a possibility. But I think that discussion with Sal, while heavy, is more in line with their characters. It can also be a catalyst for Divinity to not rely so much on her visions, to the point of being a crutch, at some point in the future. It also gives her a good reason for why she got drunk and was ranting to Barry for hours. Especially since she was working toward this future for at least a month and Sal completely shatters it with one action; over a month of work! I'd certainly rant about it to my friends even if I wasn't drunk. That revelation of one of her core motivations touched me and made me love her even more! In case you couldn't tell, I'm a HUGE Divinity fan and finally seeing her in these chapters was a breath of fresh air! But seeing her robbed of a core motivation and of future character development really made me sad. I know you probably won't change it again after rewriting it, but I thought I'd stand up for Divinity. Other than that, I loved the new direction of the story and can't wait for more
Rosario Grasso
2024-10-22 00:33:24 +0000 UTCI wouldn’t have said anything as it wasn’t THAT bad, but Fabi’s personality in the pre-edit chapters left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I much prefer the post-edit chapters. So thanks for that!
Brian Di Nisio
2024-10-21 23:09:22 +0000 UTCI agree somewhat. I think it's more likely for her to get weird by choosing not to use her powers and then having outdated future knowledge rather than using her powers poorly and not knowing how the dominos fall. The second part doesn't fit her powers. But if she's avoiding looking, that could leave her behind he curve.
R. Maxwell Steele
2024-10-21 23:04:24 +0000 UTCThe one that made me think twice was Raven. He fixed Upgrade's skill weave and she seems to worry over her brother who takes too many risks. You'd think Sal would want to upgrade Raven and tell him to figure out a whatever appropriate amount of materials was a good repayment.
R. Maxwell Steele
2024-10-21 23:01:38 +0000 UTCLiterally just came to say this same thing. What professional would ever do this? Maybe a scrappy dwarf type. Maybe a gym teacher. Not a computer brained principal type. Seemed way off.
R. Maxwell Steele
2024-10-21 22:58:05 +0000 UTCIt’s not the first time, remember he asked them about a big fuck off dragon?
Nate
2024-10-21 19:58:45 +0000 UTCWell, he is drunk
Alteron
2024-10-21 19:40:57 +0000 UTCIn chapter 54, near the end. Quest let out a F bomb. I feel like that might be a bit much for his character? As an educator and around his student in an open public environment, I feel like quest would keep a more professional bearing. But overall Great job.
Dumzdey
2024-10-21 19:23:45 +0000 UTCDivinity needs to have a conversation where she finally breaks and tells sal she can look into the future and see one where sal marries basically anyone... and how it feels to imagine HER perfect future in the face of the happiness she would be denying others by making choices to lead her there
Sean Shivers
2024-10-20 23:37:55 +0000 UTCThat's how I see it too :)
Lumpenhans
2024-10-20 15:44:37 +0000 UTC, ; . , , . , , ,
Mathew mcintyre
2024-10-20 07:30:32 +0000 UTCI really do not like these revised chapters. I absolutely love this series, however Sal drives me insane, he is so strong yet he is scared of his own shadow and so timid. I loved how in the original versions of these chapters Fabi pushed him and made him realize that he needed to grow a pair and step up. Not recklessly like Erika was trying to do, the smartly through superior crafting and using his and her crafting for fighting. Fabi is awawesome, she is a crafter that couldn't even use her ability yet she managed to craft her way into being a combat powerhouse. In the earlier books Upgrade is the same, she crafted her way into being a combat powerhouse, and she was originally trying to influence Sal to be the same. However now everyone seems to be trying to make Sal be a pussy who hides in the back and crafts for everyone else but not fight himsethoui loved how during the tower run Sal seemed to finally be realizing that he was actually a badass. But now you are pushing him back to being a timid little pussy. I get it you were not happy with the original chapters, but please in the final ededition lets get more of a combination of these two sets of chapters. Fabi puspushing Sal and making him realize that to truly lead a guild and have the respect of people he will need to step up and fight was amazing. Also the part where Quest stepped up and was like "she right , I guess I need to step up as well" was Epic !!! But you just killed the whole awesome vibe with these revised chapters.
Nicholas Graves
2024-10-19 14:51:04 +0000 UTCI was surprised by Fabi as a beneficiary of his skill at fixing skill weaves that she wasn't encouraging him to fix more skills. Seems extremely selfish. I could see Bastion even using his "squandering his time creating a guild" and saying they would make sure he worked on fixing skills.
mark el
2024-10-19 13:48:32 +0000 UTCI liked the previous version of these chapters. I like the current version of these chapters too. Just make sure you stay true to YOUR favorite version! Also, I totally get the character you’re going for with Raven. I have a co-worker who is just like a golden lab when it comes to personality. Dude is just genuinely nice. However, the foreshadowing done by Upgrade in previous editions has already colored readers expectations. Don’t be surprised if quite a few readers dislike his character. Thanks for all the efforts in putting out a great book!
Naotsugu97
2024-10-19 00:35:52 +0000 UTCI have no problems with it.
Sam
2024-10-18 23:09:36 +0000 UTCFirst of all, I really enjoy your stories. I anxiously await every Monday to get my next fix. Yes, I am an addict, you should start some sort of support group or something. However, there is a glaring defect that runs throughout this whole college/boot camp themed education. Where the heck is the basic combat training? Having been through boot camp, I have to ask: where is the actual structured instruction on how to fight? Gathering a hundred students in a room and having them whale on each other is not instruction. Having unfit bodies thrown onto an obstacle course is not instruction. True, Divinity and Sal created their own little boot camp to good effect, but that type of training is what they should be getting from their teachers. This really gets my goat and somewhat tarnishes the whole idea of Quest Academy for me. I'm done ranting now. I do love your writing and I wish I had joined your Patreon much sooner than I did, so I could fuss about the training thing for book one.
Sherry Walles
2024-10-18 21:11:16 +0000 UTCThe revised chapter 51 can not be viewed. The file is corrupted and needs a new upload
Jeffrey Tavis
2024-10-18 13:07:02 +0000 UTCEnjoyed the rewrite thought it was more on tone for what had been set up. I am really looking forward to administration class when we get back and Jez is grilling the class on what they did during break to make qcreds.
IAMather
2024-10-18 00:31:35 +0000 UTCAlso from everything g we've heard of her so far, she's had to be very independent without her ability, and she's extremely intelligent. Sal is EXTREMELY averse to any kind of conflict, and I think she picked up on that right away. He absolutely needs someone to push him into the combat scenarios or he will run himself around in circles finding any excuse to bow out of it. I think her willing to be forceful with him rather than tiptoeing around him like everyone else is very good for him. Same way Chatfield forced him into the dungeon. He needed it and would never have done it on his own.
Colton Horton
2024-10-17 19:41:31 +0000 UTCya, i also had no problem with the previous version... maybe make fabi a little more reassuring instead of "this is a good idea you should do it" into "this is an ok idea, you shouldnt hate it" but meh, we hadnt met fabi before, there's zero reason to assert that she was acting out of character... all we knew previously was that she was skilled and ambitious enough to succeed despite not having a skill
Sean Shivers
2024-10-17 19:32:39 +0000 UTCI have no problem with divinity falling back into bad habits of acting based on info she doesn't have... that honestly feels way more realistic than the idea of barry & divinity being teased here... like, they have absolutely no chemistry, no teasing, no flirting, absolutely nothing. Like reading between the lines to see they are both friends with Sal, and both controllers, so they have reason to be friends independently... i can do that. But even assuming a genuine and full friendship between the two of them requires us to read between the lines. Reading any kind of attraction into their interactions is pretty far-fetched.
Sean Shivers
2024-10-17 19:29:36 +0000 UTCThe chapters turned out incredible with the rewrite. Amazing work on that! A lot of others have pointed it out, but the reworked version presents the characters in such an incredible way. It really highlighted why the interactions in the first version felt off. Fabi feels much more in line with what we’ve seen before, and while I’m not fully on board with how Raven is this globally likable person yet from that one conversation, it’s a massive step up from the previous anti-supporter version. Doc's anti-Academy stance when it comes to Sal and Fabi also feels much more in line with what Upgrade said about him before, and it really highlights why he’s known as this anti-bureau person. I’m not 100% happy with the Divinity solution, mostly because I’m rooting for Sal-Divinity and don’t like the lead-up to enabling Barry-Divinity XD. Overall, though, it was an amazing switch, and I think having Divinity show this kind of emotionally unstable incident after doing some visions for others and getting drunk is an incredible way to make people understand the pressure she’s under because of her skill. I hope it results in visible reflection from Sal, especially considering how he tried to prevent her from taking actions that would have a lasting negative impact on her—like he did with Barry in the past when she tried to turn herself into the person that forces him to reveal his ability. I’m starting to go off-topic again, and I think I’ve already said more than enough in other comments (Team Divinity lives :) ). I’m really happy with how the chapters turned out and think it was a great way of highlighting that it’s an after-party and everybody is already tipsy before they got there. It gives a much smoother image of the party in my view and makes for a great natural feeling with the out-of-character behaviors, like we get from Quest. In total, I just want to say thanks for the chapters. They were amazing, and like every time, I can’t wait for next week. Great work! :)
Frilas Gilneas
2024-10-17 17:27:43 +0000 UTCThe quality of the revised chapters is truly exceptional. I enjoyed them and temporarily even forgot that we had already heard some of the lines. I think sal should talk to chattfield about how the supports are better and more useful on the battlefield. Quest deserves all the help he can get. If sal could build small floating fortresses that can be assembled from 4 pieces after crossing the portal, the support would be a real asset. With shields and cannons like doc's trains. You could repair/replace armor there, treat the wounded and collect materials. If the students at the Academy built the small fortresses themselves and practiced the procedure for portal passages, there would be something for everyone.
Lumpenhans
2024-10-17 17:04:06 +0000 UTCIf your up for it, pls pls continue wildcards, I love the story and would be overjoyed to see it return
Fanfic Reader
2024-10-17 16:37:44 +0000 UTCIdk about the comments that prompted you to make edits. -I didn't think Fabi came across as overbearing, Moreso as an upperclassman/more experienced business partner that clearly sees Sal's tendency to get inside his own head and sabotage himself. I feel like it's pretty clear that Sal is his own worst enemy due to his lack of confidence and misconceptions that he is not both exceedingly capable and powerful. I think Fabi comes across as someone who sees that and is trying to push him to better himself. As far as coming off as pushy and overbearing, does anyone really think Sal would grow in anything other than crafting if he isn't pushed into it by someone else? He seems like the kind of person who needs a bit of forceful prodding to avoid stagnating. As far as Divinity, it absolutely makes sense that she would react that way to her visions changing. She has made no secret that she is wholly invested in that future, and seeing it 'disappear before her eyes' seems incredibly likely to make her spiral. And making decisions based on visions would easily be a trap a seer could fall into, and feels like a very natural flaw for her to have to overcome. -Raven was awesome, he very fitting ly seems to be a good natured 'bird-brain' and I love him. For Mr. Nordon, I just wanna say I enjoy your story and characters as they are, and I hope you don't feel the need to alter your story just to please us readers. At the end of the day this story is your vision, and we are only along for the ride. While I love that you read and consider our opinions, please don't ever feel pressured to change your story to please us. You're the one who will remember this story for the rest of your life, far moreso than any of us. Don't ever be afraid to tell us that "This is my story, and this is how it goes whether you like it or not." Anyway, sorry for the overly long comment, and thank you for all of your effort and creativity. Also, TFTC! 😁
Colton Horton
2024-10-17 14:45:22 +0000 UTCNo, I deleted the chapter where Fabi pressured Sal into joining portals and stuff. So Chapter 54 is the latest chapter, of the revised ones. The story will be moving on from there.
James Northman
2024-10-17 14:32:52 +0000 UTCIs 55 from the original batch still good or will that also be revised?
Brandon Baier
2024-10-17 13:05:54 +0000 UTCHonestly, just like I had to stop mid-batch last time, I'm doing it again but to tell you that this rewrite is like waking up from a nightmare. You know when you wake up from a nightmare and have that lingering feeling of wrongness but relief at the same time because you're not in it anymore? I just hope my view of characters like Raven isn't too tainted because of the last version tbh. Ps.: still hate Chatfield, wholeheartedly. Like yeah it's a war, but there's no need to be this tyrannically dumb.
Davi(d)
2024-10-17 09:37:30 +0000 UTCThanks. I can tell you burned the candle at both ends though. It probably needs a thorough edit and spellcheck. Here are just a couple of paragraphs from 53 Both, but nothihng really to worry about." He let out a pained sigh as he gestured around the room. "Alcohol and overwhelm. got to her all at once, coupled with the Saviours pestering her for visions after she predicted the thing with the Implant." Sal paused at that. "Wait, so it wasn't anything big like a calamity or something?" Barry just shook his head. "Nope, she was mostly just keeping people pacified with visions. Her was playing nice, but she completely burned I couldn’t figure out how to highlight the issues so I left spaces. I also thought the first couple of paragraphs in the first chapter didn’t sound quite right. It felt a little forced and possibly the wrong tenses. Maybe it’s because of the rewrite but anyway. Still enjoyed them though.
Paul Tuson
2024-10-17 09:22:32 +0000 UTCI appreciate you working on these edits. The previous chapters felt much darker. Now we can see things are changing, but Sal isn’t forced into agreeing with it. I will say I was surprised we didn’t see Erika or Neuro at the gala, even in passing. She’s such a great villain and Neuro so likable.
Dawn Zeleznik
2024-10-17 08:15:34 +0000 UTCAhhhh. Thank you for the rewrite. After reading 51 thru 55 I was developing heartburn. I didn’t like Fabi at the end- she was becoming too obsessive about getting materials and she was suddenly a brute to Sal. It also felt like poor Quest was destined to eat his 357 and Destiny seemed to be giving-up after losing her perfect future (THAT feels very important). My gut is happy…
Dr. Chaos
2024-10-17 05:17:18 +0000 UTCI like the revision and the ending. Hinting that Sal might be working with the entire Support class to get the Hunter Bearu to back off. It should be fun to see what happens. Thank you for your hardwork.😁
LadyLark
2024-10-17 04:57:57 +0000 UTCSolid updates to the chapters. I liked Fabi a lot leading up to the original version of these chapters. With these changes, my opinion of Fabi continues to improve. The looming threat of a Portal run coming from the Hunter's Bureau makes far more sense than an ultimatum from Fabi. It fits well with the established world and characters. The change to how the battle-suit was introduced as both a Fabi special, and as a potential upgrade to Sal's gear was definitely a step in the right direction. This approach made it feel exciting and cutting edge, rather than lumping it in as a critical, and potentially insufficient rush-item on the Prep for Portal Hell checklist. I'm looking forward to Fabi, Sal, and hopefully Blathnaid and Upgrade working on a battle-suit. My one point of criticism regards your apparent intent for and somewhat contrary role of Raven here. The intent seems to be to make him appear kinda carefree and a little naive, living up to the reputation of being almost-universally likeable. The actual role he plays here runs a bit counter to that, or perhaps adjacent, in the vein of "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." In his introductory scene he is less the charming, disarming guy, and more like a dangerous but alluring monster. He has kelpie or will-o-the-wisp vibes, acting as a beautiful and shining light luring the unprepared into the depths or the mire, where they are almost guaranteed to perish. It feels like it runs contrary to what the character is intended as, especially with all his reassurances of protection, but he comes across as a temptation into danger far beyond Sal's capability to handle. I'm looking forward to more scenes with him, to see how he is when he's not trying to lure first-years into portals.
Ben Cooper
2024-10-17 04:42:59 +0000 UTCThe rewrite is an intersting branch but leaves me with the same dilema as before - why is Sal seeking a guild master position instead of following Docs advice - quit Quest, start a company and make money while avoiding the war, Perhaps let Fabi be the guild master and team up to be the crafter honcho and run the skill master stuff as a side business
Tanstaafl
2024-10-17 04:22:59 +0000 UTCThat's like saying someone is a top military operator just because you give them the same gear. Doesn't mean they know how to USE it. He got upgraded because of circumstance, but doesn't have the experience yet.
Charles Gillentine
2024-10-17 02:17:54 +0000 UTCHaven't read yet but man what a push to rewrite in so few days. Congrats and I can't wait to read them. Had some issues with the last set but wanted to see how it played out yet so glad you saw an issue and wanted to fix rather then just ignore is as others would do. Can't wait to read and thank you for the chapchapters!!!
Hakalakala
2024-10-17 01:47:29 +0000 UTCDidn't it mention he regularly RODE ONE. Seems like a hell of a bird.
Charles Gillentine
2024-10-17 01:44:24 +0000 UTCIt seems like skill master is his biggest trump card, and he has done virtually nothing to capitalize on it. Just havhaving a backpack or bag with cores so he weave on the fly would be super useful. He wouldn't need to pester divinity if he could do it reliably himself. Remember, HE found the calamity, not her.
Charles Gillentine
2024-10-17 01:43:23 +0000 UTCYeah, I liked that he finally said what I thought was obvious. Crafter craft, fighters fight.
Charles Gillentine
2024-10-17 01:40:28 +0000 UTCGreat job with the rewrites. Nice to see Sal in control. I have been expecting a showdown between the academy and the Hunters bureau. Should be interesting.
Ron Blondeau
2024-10-17 01:38:43 +0000 UTCThis was awesome. People are finally starting to realize they have to work together instead of playing hero. Really seems like people forgot there is a war going on.
Charles Gillentine
2024-10-17 01:34:04 +0000 UTCYou are truly talented writer these chapters have taken everything great from the original chapters and elevated the rest also feels more cohesive with the rest of the story so far raven was actually likeable this time around he didn’t feel like a condescending prick
AJ
2024-10-17 01:29:16 +0000 UTCI really love the new chapters they make a lot more sense and feel true to the characters.
Paola Rodriguez
2024-10-17 01:21:59 +0000 UTCAmazing work.
Chris Hoopes
2024-10-17 01:21:13 +0000 UTCTYFTC and i must say these are much better. The characters felt like they were becoming too forced in the unrevised chaps and now it doesn't feel like Sal is going completely OOC. I didn't like how Fabi seemed to be running roughshod over him but her characterisation is much better in the revised. Altogether feels much smoother and doesn't feel as chaotic now.
Skye Chapman
2024-10-17 01:09:33 +0000 UTCThank you so much for taking the time!!! They are a lot better!!
Heather Herren
2024-10-17 01:04:01 +0000 UTCI like the revision and can’t wait to get back to quest academy. I still find the gates confusing and would love to see a paper written by Sal explaining how skills work with ability ranks/skill mastery/open gates and how that all interacts as it seems like conflicting information has been said by different characters. With 240 gates open isn’t Sal basically equivalent to a top 100 in the Hunters Bureau?
Spud
2024-10-17 00:48:51 +0000 UTCMaybe if Sal the number one Saviour, goes of his own free will into a portal, it will be easier to pressure Quest.
Alteron
2024-10-16 23:43:22 +0000 UTCCan the crafter gang create a device that helps communication between portal worlds possible and call it “The Chatty”? In honour of Chatfield.
Nate
2024-10-16 23:31:39 +0000 UTCI would say the privous batch of chapters are more interesting, while this one more tamed... The pacing is better in the revision, things happened too fast in the other one with fabi streamrolling Sal for the portal, and Divinity with the doom foresights... I liked both versions for diff reasons 👍
myth
2024-10-16 23:23:41 +0000 UTCWhy Raven is so invested in taking Sal to a portal hasn't been properly explained yet even with the revision. He still doesn't come across as a golden retriever in my opinion, he comes off as pushy and frankly a bit of an idiot. Thank you for these new unexpected chapters Brian, when you said you were going to revise the chapters I was expecting them next Monday, not today.
Abdulmohsen
2024-10-16 23:12:42 +0000 UTCWay to go man
Francisco Sanchez
2024-10-16 23:12:09 +0000 UTCI really liked the new chapters, everything feels more on track. But Raven does look like a bit of a pawn now, i do not know if that was intended?
Alteron
2024-10-16 23:05:33 +0000 UTCAs with most thanks for the hard work on the new chapters, they do feel more in line with the previous stuff than a sharper turn away from who the characters were although the other chapters weren't bad just further from their current showing for a lot of people
James coe
2024-10-16 22:31:33 +0000 UTCthese chapters seem to flow much better than the previous version.
Trey Kilburn
2024-10-16 22:30:24 +0000 UTCI thought the chapters were better, especially Chapter 52. I had felt that several of the characters were showing their worst sides. Now I can see how Fabi might feel that Doc Ameye is a nice guy, how Fabi isn't really pushing and verging on becoming like Chatfield in regards to everyone needing to run dungeons and fight demons as much as possible, and how Destiny is not trying to control others so "The Future" comes to pass.
Janet Beane
2024-10-16 22:27:19 +0000 UTCI am also in agreement with the shift. There are hints of things getting darker for the future (in a good way), but there are a lot more personalities and interdependent connections happening this time around than before. Thanks for taking the time to really knuckle down with the characters and help them each to find their place again, and hopefully be more true to the representation you want from each of them. Pacing and transitions were on point this time and it read well and flowed much more naturally, so thank you.
Deko
2024-10-16 22:26:32 +0000 UTCCorrected in the main manuscript. Thanks for catching. :)
James Northman
2024-10-16 22:14:09 +0000 UTCMinor correction in CH53: Barry just shook his head. "Nope, she was mostly just keeping people pacified with visions. Her was playing nice, but she completely burned herself out and just spiralled from there." "Her was playing nice" should be: "Divinity (or possibly she) was playing nice"
Koral
2024-10-16 22:12:36 +0000 UTCThe revised chapters sit much better with me compared to the last ones. Even though i didn't comment for the last batch (was still thinking about their content), these chapters here feel like a more natural continuation of the story line. Well done!
Nina Speicher
2024-10-16 22:05:23 +0000 UTCI have to confess that I enjoyed these rewritten chapters a lot more this time. Everyone was acting much more like they have before. Raven was much more likeable than previously and doc ameye is definitely growing on me. I love that sal stood up for himself and the other supports and quest didn't abandon his principles. It felt a lot less like everyone else was trying to control Sal and his future. Now we get to see Sal learning how to design the battlesuits
Sam
2024-10-16 22:03:33 +0000 UTCI think his "birds" may be less "happy little parrot" and more "that thing Rochelle took out on the tower" which makes him a LITTLE BIT more terrifying than originally presented
michael pigott
2024-10-16 22:02:03 +0000 UTCSal follows Quest's stance of "let people be the heroes they want to become" on power use. Using Divinity as a foresight machine like that is the Erika way and while it's technically optimal on an objective level it's A: massively presumptuous of Sal to presume he's the best target for that level of support and B: not him, Divinity is his freind first and her power is hers to use to her own directives(self harm not withstanding)
michael pigott
2024-10-16 21:58:49 +0000 UTCThanks for the chapters, I like the shift, everyone seems more in character and the tone seems to hit right between foreboding and fun which I think fits nicely. Raven definitely came off better than last time too, he seemed a bit American High School football player in a 90s TV show the first time
Thomas Todd
2024-10-16 21:58:22 +0000 UTCThank you, that's edited in the main manuscript to reflect that he moved away after finishing his sentence.
James Northman
2024-10-16 21:55:32 +0000 UTCI feel like this version of the chapters fit the story so much better. It is more cohesive and more true to the characters. Thank you for taking the feedback but also I would like to stress that it is your tale to tell and please tell it how you want to. However, I feel this was definitely the right way to go!!
Don
2024-10-16 21:54:33 +0000 UTCThis version did a lot more with Amaye which was fascinating..... was cool to see a lot more of the guy who dropped off the map and started a blacklist vs "justifiably smug and gruff crafter grandpa who had the ability to give compliments amputated in the war"
michael pigott
2024-10-16 21:51:29 +0000 UTCDoes anyone else write a large comment and then delete it and go about your day? For the last however many sets of chapters I keep doing that so I’m just gonna say my thoughts. I don’t think Divinity is using her power right. She literally has the most amazing what if power ever. She has the ability to see what happens if she decides to do something or even more wild is if someone else decides to something. It’s so busted. Sal is underutilizing that potential. “Hey Divinity let me know if future me is satisfied with my current build ideas once they are completed. Should I have focused on this idea or that or something I come up with after I get there along.” Also I think the rewrite turned out well. Would I have been okay with the last set? Sure it’s your story I’m just along for the ride. But from my completely unprofessional opinion this set just felt better. Maybe it’s a placebo idk lol
Pararably
2024-10-16 21:49:01 +0000 UTCHey Brian, just reading the chapters again, and in Chapter 51 Revised, Fabi says "So, now that the babysitter is gone..." however you deleted the paragraph that Doc Ameye leaves so her words don't make sense. Thanks for working so hard to turn these around, sorry if this response was too picky too soon.
Deko
2024-10-16 21:40:51 +0000 UTCPoints to the Doc, he layed it out flat for Raven. Good on him.
Nate
2024-10-16 21:40:37 +0000 UTCI kind get the feeling Upgrade was down playing Ravens abilities when she was telling Sal about him in the workshop. She said he “spoke to birds” lol but it seems being the sister she undersold him 😂
Nate
2024-10-16 21:36:52 +0000 UTCExcellent work. Definitely pushing towards a darker more dangerous future and it's in line with the other changes Chatfield made before so it feels much more natural. Thank you for the updates
Justin Peters
2024-10-16 21:35:23 +0000 UTCMan I didn’t check the discussion from last post but I didn’t even think Raven was being a dick. I really thought it just showed how supports are viewed in their society. We saw no support guilds are top guilds. They don’t generally complete the academy they get licenses and then get picked up from there. But looking forward to checking out the revised chapters
IAMather
2024-10-16 21:34:44 +0000 UTCOk I’m really glad you brought the promise into it. Helps show Sals integrity and morals.
Nate
2024-10-16 21:26:34 +0000 UTCThank you for the chapters but please don’t over work yourself.
Nate
2024-10-16 21:23:46 +0000 UTCI haven't read the new chapters yet nor participated in the original discussion but I have to say the way you describe the shift generally makes everyone seem more adult and competent, which I think is a plus
BaguaBrady
2024-10-16 21:19:12 +0000 UTCtftc
CamChains
2024-10-16 21:16:46 +0000 UTC
