'Pausin' (video)

My dad told me that as you get older, time starts going by faster, and I thought that was stupid because time goes exactly as fast as it does, but now it is March 2024 and it honestly kind of scares me how fast the months and years are flying right by while I'm standing here like John Travolta in a '90s gang boss mansion* looking lost and confused.

*(Is that where he was? I haven't re-watched Pulp Fiction since I lived at home as a teenager and my family rented it on VHS)

There's a lot going on this month! I'm working on two different freelance projects for a couple clients that you guys are (probably) going to be excited about- but I can't say yet. I'll have some stuff to show you soon, though, I promise! For the most part, I don't take on freelance because... dude. My plate is already full. But! Some stuff you can't turn down. So.

In personal news: I'M MENOPAUSING????

Like, not even pre-menopause or perimenopause or any other gradation leading up to menopause. No. I am full on deep in the menopause, which (probably) explains most/all of my increasingly bad health issues the last 5+ years.

I started to write about it but then I remembered I already attached a video at the top of this post explaining it so, like, watch that.

Menopause! At 40! And actually, probably starting around 35!

Here is some artwork I annotated to explain what is happening inside of me right now.

God, I feel so relieved on so many levels. The day I found out, I was in my studio at Helioscope and I was just so happy that I'd find myself humming and singing to myself, but to my credit I did have enough self-restraint to keep myself from dancing between the desks and annoying my studiomates even more. Obviously, it's an enormous relief to know what the fuck has been incapacitating me all this time and that there actually are ways to treat it (I'm wearing an estrogen patch right now), but even more than that... I'm feeling this... relief.

About reproducing.

Matt and I had some serious talks about having kids back when I was in my early 30s. Ultimately we decided against it for many, many reasons, but...

I dunno.

Was that the "right" choice? Would we change our minds? Would we regret it?

DOESN'T MATTER NOW BECAUSE IT'S NOT UP TO ME ANYMORE.

My body has made that call! This ol' egg factory is shuttin' down! Sorry potential babies, this dusty old uterus is 'PAUSIN. (Menopausin')

I feel relief that it's not my choice anymore- it's just nature. It's just the way it is. I'm not going to biologically reproduce. (I can see a future where I foster, but that's a ways away, if it ever even happens at all)

And then there's the relief that I wasn't making up my health issues. That's a whole other post to write, but I really was afraid that my problems were just in my head and I was, like, making them happen psychosomatically. But no! You can look at my blood and see with your eyes that I was basically out of estrogen! My body was literally not working because it was literally missing a key, observable element. RELIEF.

Relief.

Relief.

Unfortunately, this does mean I am now getting targeted ads for menopausal products on Instagram.

Sigh.