I'm so damn blessed

Dear Patrons,

This may sound stupid, but even though I've spent thousands on going to conventions for my career, buying new equipment is still hard for me to do. When I reach hardware failure with no easy fix, I remember my parents surviving paycheck to paycheck, creatively manufacturing a space to keep us fed and feeling safe. I feel guilty for not using what I have unless it's turned to ash.

Today, I may not have kids, but I'm in a similar emotional posture. I do have serious debts and expensive life plans that will keep me from the financial stability I desire for a very long time, so how could I possibly think of buying new equipment? If I didn't like being so damn poor, shouldn't I just work a thankless job in design or in the entertainment industry?

I said no to art jobs that wouldn't serve the world better, and hoped that I'd find my own way. Others felt compelled to help. Here are just a few examples of the blessings I've received:

I was granted time to create deeply personal art, important talks and spaces for critical discussion because you Patrons gave me money.

I was gifted a new tablet and monitor after Eric did all the equipment research to find the best solution and Charlie fronted all costs out of love and desire for my message to spread. (Eric just bought me a screen calibrator as a surprise, too!)

I'm regularly tipped at conventions, and it humbles me every time someone gives me more after I'm worried about asking too much. I often get food for free because my generous friends love me so much.

I've attended three convention for (practically) free: Won one Twitter contest, one professor anonymously paid for my ticket, and I was a Guest of Honor for another one.

Sometimes I really don't like or believe in myself. I regularly get lost, I have a hard time counting, I have facial blindness, and my sex-addiction can leave me feeling like I'm worth nothing to anyone. The nature of my artwork and relationships leaves me vulnerable to just about anyone I meet. It's high-risk, high-reward to hurt like hell for people who may never love you, praying that someone will help you along the way. But so far, that's exactly what's happened, firmly planting me on the path less traveled and into the hearts of thousands more each year. Two years ago I wished I hadn't had all this responsibility. This year I wouldn't change it for anything.

After using my Eurofurence earnings to slay my college loan payments for the month, I had extra Patreon money to purchase a new microphone and camera, both recommended by other streamers. I wanted this years ago. It's because the most important part of my Patreon (and my career, really) isn't the visual art—it's the relationships. Remember when we used to do Drink and Thinks? (Patrons can check the talk tag for all of them) I want more of that. More, chats, more feedback, more dynamic engagement. This year I know my Patreon's going to grow, and I want to be ready for that with better equipment to delight my viewers/listeners.

I linked to a highlight from 2016. Seeing Sean, Nathaniel, and I have fun and talk to wonderful people in a chat proves to me this investment is worth it. Equipment should arrive on Tuesday. In the meantime, thank you for any support you've given me.

Love,

-J