Updates and Musings

This is going to be a long and rambling post, so if you don't care to read my thoughts you can just skip ahead to the bolded UPDATE towards the end~

Happy April everyone, and thank you again for another month of support! I want to take a moment to talk about how I've been feeling lately. I usually don't like opening up, especially online. Anonymity has always been more my speed. I'm very much in the mindset of the less you know about me, the better, but you've all spent over a year with me here on patreon, and I think sharing my personal experiences with writing and creating is beneficial.

I want to open with this silly TikTok from Reno 911 to set the mood: https://www.tiktok.com/@reno911tv/video/7218947434154773806

Followed by a quote from an absolute queen, Sylvia Plath (R.I.P.), who wrote in a journal entry, "The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”

So, a little humor and a little food for thought as we get into this.

I struggle with what I believe is premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). I'm not officially diagnosed, but I'm extremely positive I have this, because my mother did before menopause. I plan on getting a doc's opinion soon. That being said, PMDD... Fucks. Me. Up.

Like physically and mentally, and this isn't like a few shitty days or a bad week. It's become weeks of (insert various ailments and mental instability here). The physical stuff I can handle, for the most part, having dealt with chronic migraines since my teens. It's the emotional/mental stuff that's gotten worse and has made my already existing mental illnesses worse. It's truly like adding water to a grease fire some days. And most days this really impacts how I feel about my craft and my skill as a writer. I doubt. I hate on myself. I rage at the world.

Leaving Twitter was the best thing I've done for myself in a long while. I don't plan on going back. I don't even miss it. And I don't think it's a viable place for writers of original work. I do, however, miss my friends there, and I wish there was a place where I could post my drafts and engage with other writers (and artists). I miss that aspect of writing workshops, just that sense of community and creatives in one space, working on their own stuff at their own pace. Having been without that space for years now, I realize that I really need that environment to make what I do worthwhile. I need an audience. I need readers. I need fellow creatives. That isn't to say that the act of writing alone doesn't bring me pleasure. It does. Writing for me at this point in my life is akin to eating. Both pleasurable and a necessity. But it helps to have a community.

So, what am I trying to actually say here?

I want to talk about self-doubt and that overwhelming feeling of having to do something with whatever you've created. I'm plagued by these two things. It's all very existential and crumbling-in-the-shadow-of-Capitalism, really. It's an ongoing struggle for me, and I'm beginning to feel pretty helpless. I think me being open about this will help, though.

Now that I've been without my vices and the distractions of my twenties, along with a stint of being perpetually online for a few years thanks to the (whispers) pandemic. I've come to recognize and understand that I am a very complicated person LOL. I am humble to the point of being self-deprecating, but I am also fiercely tenacious, determined, and full of pride. This along with a monthly dose of severe depression or irritability, or in some cases a heightened, almost manic self-worth, just creates these cycles of feeling down on myself for not having done anything "worthwhile" with my work. Alongside not giving a shit, because writing TToT and posting on this patreon brings me a lot of joy and fulfillment. And it's exhausting, really. These cycles, these ups and downs.

I know other creatives deal with self-doubt and that niggling pressure to sell your work, to turn your hobby into a career. At this point I don't know if I want to make writing my career. Part of me does; part of me doesn't. I have the feeling that, once polished and refined, The Three of Them can be something great. I feel like there's something here. I have that much faith in myself as a writer and this world I've created. But admittedly, the lack of engagement and readers makes me wonder if I'm delusional. There's always a dark, awful voice in the back of my mind that tells me to just throw in the towel. And sometimes I nearly do. But then I think about Avery doing something stupid, or Birger enjoying his freedom, or Sachie experiencing love for the first time, and then I sit down to write, almost impatiently, just trying to get the scene down, and then I revise, and rework it and mold it, over and over until I sit back and I'm like, that's some good fucking writing right there. And then I feel happy and I've forgotten all the bad feelings that had bogged me down. And that's priceless.

I almost deactivated this patreon, almost scrapped it all, and gave up, 'cause what's the point? Why put in all this effort if nothing will come of it? But there really is no "point". Honestly, there has never really been an end goal for TToT, not initially at first, it was purely self-indulgent. Do I think it'd be great as an indie graphic novel? Fuck yeah, I do. I think, with some reworking, this would even be a solid novel. But! It's the process I'm addicted to, the writing, the evolution of these characters from 2017 to now. Hell, it's even different from what it was when I started this in March of last year. I've come a long way. And it's so easy to get caught up with the spectacle that is engagement and publishing and money and all of that, that I forget why I started writing in the first place. To explore human experiences in a way that you can only achieve via writing.

So, if you're struggling for some of the same reasons as I am, maybe take a step back and look at how far you've come. Like literally. Pull old stuff out and compare it to what you do now. Remember the times when you were engaged with your own work. Recall how much happiness it had provided you when you needed it most. And never doubt. Someone out there will appreciate what you've done just as much as you've enjoyed creating it. And finishing something should be just as satisfying as having it be praised or bought. And if you can't finish something? Shit, that's fine too! You still grew during that time, grew so much you realized what you were doing wasn't worthy of the effort anymore. That's badass.

I'm putting this all down on here for me and you. For me, to remember to back the fuck up and not be so demanding of myself. And for you, dear reader, as a way to both add some humanity to myself, LOL, but also to say that my messages are open if you need to vent or if you want to share your creative endeavors. This here is a two-way experience.

I have no idea if all that I wrote made any sense at all, and tbh I'll probably go back and extrapolate on some stuff to better clarify my points. It's difficult for me to share what's going on in my head, but I also feel like it's helpful to sort of wade through my thoughts and get them down.

The Three of Them is here to stay. I'm hellbent on finishing this to whatever end. I owe it to them, and me, and y'all. Some days are going to be hard, to the point of paralyzing my output, but I will not give up.

UPDATE

Whew, ok. So here's the update. Chapter two of Part Two is currently being written. It's looking like another long one, so I hope it'll be worth the wait. I should have it done sometime later this month; if not, I might just divide it into two parts, so I can post something at least.

Filthy Impetuous Soul over on ao3, is currently on its 7th chapter, and is updated every Wednesday. So, if you're looking for some easy (smut-filled) reading about stinki gay pirates, please check it out! It's a collaboration with my amazing friend and fellow writer Dorian, and I think it's a lot of fun.

That's it.

I hope you're all doing well and flourishing. Take it easy.