My muse

Maria (because of this woman i start being photographer )

I completely dissolved in my travels.

So much so that she completely abandoned shootings that I did back in April. Now I will try to return to the working and creative mood. I took a lot of pictures, I still take a lot of pictures, but choosing and correcting the colors is a problem...I can't find the time at the moment. I will make amends during this time while I am in Kyiv.

Yes, I have already returned home. Kyiv, my dear Kyiv) Many thoughts have accumulated in me during this trip. I will share with you little by little) I will say one thing - I had no idea that my trip would be exactly like that, that it would give me so many emotions and new experiences. I didn't plan anything like that 😹 But I'll talk about that later

And for now, one interesting insight for this period, which finally formed in my head. (be careful, there may not be logic in this text... But this is my psyche and I'm a woman) (love sexist jokes 😆 )

I once had a situation in my childhood in which one of my main men in my life - my grandfather - did not give me bread when I asked for it and even laughed afterwards. I remember that I was very offended, I felt unimportant, vulnerable and indignant and a lot of other emotions that burned in me when I tried to hold back tears at that moment.... To be honest, I still remember that state. And even further, there were several situations in childhood and adolescence, something like this, also connected with important men in my life. I will not delve further - I will simply state the conclusion. I can't fully trust my partner, because at any moment he can laugh at my need, devalue my desires - that's why I have to be as independent as possible, so as not to be dependent on a man in any way....

And you ask, what's wrong here? And I will answer you - I started competing with men, I constantly tried to prove that I was better than him, I was constantly under tension and could not relax in the presence of a man. It took me a long time to stop competing, to let a man be a man and myself to be a woman (because that's how I want to feel with my man and I believe in energy and I know what I can be when I'm fully in the state of a woman).

It was 3-4 years ago, I kind of worked it out... and then I came back to the topic of trust with men again... but no longer about competition, but simply about relaxation. I want to relax with my partner, but I still can't afford it, because there is still the attitude that "I have to do and give myself everything bymyself". And when I once again discussed this with the therapist, he asked me "why don't you allow yourself to relax? why does your psyche do this? if you consider that the psyche protects us with its prejudices"....I thought for a long time and still found the answer - I create this tension with men myself only in order not to relax and motivate myself to reach heights and improve my physical materialistic life. I specially created this pattern of behavior for myself..... can you imagine? This is my protective mechanism "Relax and trust your partner - you will be hungry, cold, barefoot and unhappy. You will work hard and do everything yourself - you will have all the material and physical benefits".... I realized... now I am trying to change this prejudice - by sharing "relaxing with a partner" and "achieving achievements" as two different things, as completely unrelated.