I am losing confidence in my ability to speak

Most people that watch my videos don't know this and you guys, my patrons, have had the best opportunity to hear me speak on my own without a script. It's terrible. And the reality is even more frustrating.

The ability to attract wide audiences and make people want to watch till the end is paramount for the message of my channel. However, about a third of those that click on my videos drop out within the first 30 seconds. This could be due to various factors. But I think my speech is the biggest problem.

I stutter a lot. Way too much. I struggle to say three words without cutting off and repeating myself. I lose my train of thought often. I am incoherent. A 10 minute youtube  video is a 30 minute recording of babbling, stuttering, awkward pauses and antisocial tone. And even with all the editing, my voice sounds inhuman, my speech is boring and uninteresting.

I know that many of you would chime in and say you enjoy my videos. And I don't think they are catastrophically bad. It is just really frustrating that after five years of doing this, I am still nervous speaking to a microphone and I am stagnating a 340k subscribers with about 250k views a month and  barely generating $700 from ad revenue. 

This is why I don't feel comfortable publicizing these podcast episodes to everyone. I agree that it would be great to share them with everyone. But my performance is embarrassing. I promised you 2 videos a week but on too many occasions I underdelivered. I have even started considering lowering my Patreon perks so that I don't overpromise. 

The fact that I haven't improved significantly over the years makes me second-guess myself. Whether I am degenerating or something else is going on that could explain this problem.

I want to be honest and transparent. If you've read this far I am grateful. If you know of good ways to improve speech, learn public talking, I am open to suggestions. I have been working on this behind the scenes for a long time. Trying different things to make improvements. But I am not sure what else to do.

Thank you for all your support thus far. I am working extensively on my video on military AI. I hope it will be interesting and worthwhile.

Stay free!

THO