In Your Shadow [Chapter 17]

[Chapter 16]

The classroom got surprisingly noisy when they began on their project work again, and Katsuki grimaced, pulling out his headphones. He was kind of dreading going through the videos still, but he knew he had to get it done, and he just had to hope his headphones were enough to block out some background noise for him. He quickly found himself wishing he’d obtained himself a laptop, too – he’d been spoiled by having one to himself at the agency, and now it felt like torture trying to do anything on his phone beyond taking calls.

His first job was just splitting them up, labelling them with who he was talking to – most of them were simple enough, but the ones from his sparring time needed a lot of cutting. Some of the conversation was so quiet, too, that he had to strain to hear it, or turn the volume way up and hope a stray explosion didn’t suddenly burst his eardrums.

When he’d had enough of the struggles, been interrupted one too many times by his classmates being noisy, and been hit a little too hard by some of the conversations he was hearing, he stood up. His chair scraped against the floor loudly, making a few eyes dart his way, but no one questioned him as he marched up to Aizawa’s desk, forcing his tired gaze up from the homework he’d been marking.

“Can I go work in the library?” he asked quietly. “Please?”

“Of course,” Aizawa answered, almost concealing the way his eyes widened in his surprise. “Be back for next period.”

“I will. Thank you.”

He hurried down the hallway toward their school library, relieved to find it devoid of life other than the librarian he suspected was non-verbal, considering he’d never heard her say a word in over two years at the school. He gave her a little nod as he passed, then set himself up at a computer, plugging his headphones in and starting a file transfer, to give him a bigger screen and a mouse to work with.

When the videos were all cut into their rightful pieces, he pulled up the first one to listen to, hovering his pen above his notebook as he waited for the words to come. No matter what he tried, though, none of the words felt right. Even if he just copied down their exact words, they seemed so lifeless without the right intonation and emphasis, and they didn’t feel right without the context of the rest of the conversation, or their other interactions. It just felt flat.

Instead he went back to his earlier videos, to the little things he’d shot just because he thought they were cool – a short tour of his apartment, that he’d sent to his parents; a clip of his paperwork stack, to show how insane it had gotten; his whispered excitement over the massive gym the first time he’d seen it; and even a short selfie-video Maelstrom had apparently filmed when Katsuki wasn’t looking, with Optima pulling faces in the background, and the back of Katsuki’s head as he talked with Trax.

His phone dinged, and he looked down to see an email waiting for him, surprised to see, right at the top of the message, SparkPlug@DekuAgency.hero. Inside, he found a short message: Don’t forget about this part of being a hero, too! It was hyperlinked to a shared folder, inside of which he found a collection of videos he hadn’t known existed – security footage clips of Katsuki and Bleak crossing paths in the doorway as they traded patrols, bumping fists as they passed; Katsuki grinning in the lobby as he and Trax discussed battle strategies while they waited for sidekicks to arrive; Katsuki jumping out his window to join the fight, when the alarms went off, and a dozen more little moments someone had apparently scrubbed through days of footage to find, just to send to him. There was news footage too, with the interviews and awards from the gala they’d all attended, various patrol events he’d helped deal with, and of course, from the big fight with Ephia. But on top of those, he found other little clips, shot on various phones: Moments from his farewell dinner, with tipsy heroes talking about him, laughing as they shared stories about working with him over their two weeks, and even singing his praises, for how dedicated he was and how hard he worked. He felt his vision getting a little blurry as he listened, until he wasn’t even bothering to look at the screen anymore, and when the bell rang for the class to end, he just had to sit there a minute longer, eyes closed, trying to remember how to breathe.

─────

Katsuki hovered awkwardly as he waited for the class to empty out, giving Mina a quick nod when she shot him a questioning look from across the room – he’d meet up with her soon, but he didn’t want to risk her waiting around for him and overhearing his awkward conversation. It was hard enough to have it in the first place, let alone with his friends listening in.

“Can I help you, Bakugou?”

Katsuki nodded slightly, fidgeting with his bag strap as he walked up to the desk, waiting for the door to swing shut behind the last of his classmates before he opened his mouth.

“I don’t think I’m getting a work studies offer from Deku,” he began, trying his best to keep his expression neutral. “It’s probably my fault in part, but he’s also just ridiculously busy, so I get that he doesn’t have time for me right now. So I guess I’m just wondering what my options are?”

Aizawa eyed him curiously, and Katsuki felt his face warming, his eyes quickly darting away before he forced them back again, reminding himself to stand up straight and make eye contact.

“I’d rather not finish my final year of high school without one, is all, but I don’t really know how to go about finding one, without a connection from an internship or family member. I already missed out in my first year because of the provisional license debacle, I’d really like to have one this year.”

“I understand. And I agree, they’re highly beneficial, and I’d like as many of my students to have one as possible, both for the educational experience and for connections after you graduate.”

“I’m not asking you to do it for me, for the record, because I know that’s not your job, I was just hoping you might have some advice on… what I can do, I guess.”

“Well, I suppose the question is how picky you want to be about where you go, versus how badly you want a position,” Aizawa said slowly. “If you desperately just want to get a position right now, you could reach out to every agency you can think of who is qualified to take people, and hope one of them says yes. However, to get one by Friday, you’d likely be getting approval from some pretty low-ranked agencies, or places that are overworked and desperate for staff. There will be opportunities to get a position later in the year, too, which might get you a better offer, but I know you’d rather get one sooner rather than waiting for those. You’d be committed, though, if you took an offer now.”

“Even low-ranked heroes have things to teach me,” Katsuki said flatly – he believed the words, sure, but it was still hard to be enthusiastic about them.

“Your best bet would be to leverage any and all connections you might have, through agencies you’ve visited before, or heroes you know for any other reason. You could reach out to Endeavour and Best Jeanist, for instance, and see if they have space for you, or if they could refer you to someone else. You could definitely talk to Deku about that, too. He knows a lot of heroes, and I’m sure if he’s too busy, he could point you elsewhere in a heartbeat.”

Katsuki stiffened, and Aizawa seemed to see it happen, pausing knowingly.

“I thought about it,” he explained, grimacing. “It felt so… defeated. I guess on some level I’m still holding out hope that at the last minute he’ll call me and go ‘oh I almost forgot to ask!’ and I’ll get to go back there. I thought about asking the other heroes there, too – I bet Trax would be happy to take me along, and Ephia claims she owes me a favour, so she’d have a hard time saying no. Spark Plug seemed to like me, he was always super friendly, and I had some really cool talks with Paragon, so I feel like I could get back there, but it’s… embarrassing, I guess.”

“Perhaps that’s the real challenge for you, here. Not getting a position, but being willing to humble yourself and ask for one.”

“I know you’re right,” Katsuki sighed. “It’s just… hard. You were right, Deku was really good for me, and coming back to school just… I need some time, I guess. To get used to it. To move on and stop hoping he’ll change his mind.”

“Well, if you decide you want to reach out to those heroes, or any others, you are more than welcome to do so. If they don’t own their own agency, they will have to get permission from the person in charge, though, so please keep that in mind.” Aizawa paused again, glancing at the closed door and sighing before he continued. “I shouldn’t tell you this, but you do have at least one offer, so you don’t need to stress too much. It may not be the one you want most – or one you want at all, for all I know – but you do have one.”

“I do?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you that until Friday, but yes, you do.”

“Thank you for telling me. I won’t repeat it. Do you know who it’s from?”

“I do.”

“And you’re not going to tell me.”

“I am not.”

“But… It’s not from Deku.”

Aizawa hesitated, and Katsuki nodded faintly.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. Thank you, Sensei, I really appreciate your time.”

“Any time, Bakugou. I’m always here if you… need to talk.”

“Thank you.”

He showed himself out, leaving Aizawa to finish his paperwork alone, and took long, deep breaths as he walked over to the studios, trying to steady himself a little. He didn’t want to talk about it, not yet, which meant he needed to put on a good mask, to stop his classmates – his friends – from nagging about it.

When he arrived, Mina was ready and waiting, her tablet hooked up for them, her shoes tucked away to let her dance in her socks. She grinned at him when he arrived, and he managed a tiny twitch of a smile in return, grateful that she didn’t ask any questions about the conversation. She just hit play on the video, letting them fall into step together, as they began the warm-up process.

“Can I tell you something?” Mina asked, when Katsuki turned to face away from her. “I just ned to get it off my chest and don’t want anyone to make a big deal of it, and I know you’ll keep it to yourself and not cause a fuss.”

“I’m flattered but you’re not my type.”

“Ha ha, very funny.”

“Go on, then.”

“I kind of hope I don’t get a work studies offer.”

Katsuki froze, lost for words, and Mina laughed awkwardly.

“It’s just stressful, you know? My internship was so hard, and everyone talks about how much fun they had at theirs but I just… can’t relate. Well, not entirely. I just felt so inadequate all the time, like I couldn’t keep up with anyone and I always felt like I was getting in the way. Especially when things went wrong, and I didn’t know what to do or how to help, and it almost made me think…”

She trailed off, but Katsuki knew exactly where she was going with it, and he turned around to glare at her, the music forgotten.

“Don’t you dare go and act like you should drop out just because of one stupid internship.”

“I’m not really considering it. I mean, I don’t think I am. It was just like a little intrusive thought or something, I guess. But you don’t talk much about your internship, and you said Deku didn’t have much time for you, so I guess maybe… I thought you’d get it, kind of.”

“You thought I would want to quit being a hero?”

“No! Not like that, I know you would never. More like… It wasn’t as much fun as everyone else seems to make out. Like it was hard.”

“Oh.”

She reached out to touch the tablet, scrolling back a little, and Katsuki gave her a grateful nod as he stepped back into place beside her.

“I was a real asshole, at the start,” he said softly. “When Deku didn’t work with me personally, I got all stubborn and stupid about it, and I was kind of a dick to the other heroes sometimes. I even hatched this dumbass plan to annoy the other heroes until they refused to take me and Deku had to do it himself, but he saw through me within hours, it was insane.”

“You do come up with some pretty terrible schemes,” Mina teased. “You’re too honest for that, you give everything away with your face and your voice.”

Katsuki huffed, but he didn’t bother to object – he knew it was true. He hated lying, and refused to do it unless it was absolutely necessary, so he wasn’t surprised that he was terrible at it, honestly.

“All the other heroes and sidekicks turned out to be really cool,” he continued, rather than object. “I just wasted that time with them where I could have been learning, because I was being a bitter asshole, and now it’s all over and I just regret not making the most of it while I had the chance. I feel like I missed out on a lot, and it was all my fucking fault, so I feel kinda shitty about it.”

“You’re not gonna go back?”

“He hasn’t asked.”

His throat swelled with the words, and he had to swallow hard to make sure nothing stupid would come out, but Mina just nodded understandingly.

“I don’t think I’ll get one either,” Mina said with a shrug. “I made zero impression on them, they have no reason to want me around.”

“No impression is better than a bad impression,” Katsuki pointed out. “You could have done worse.”

“I guess so. At least they won’t be out badmouthing me to other heroes or anything, I still have a shot at finding something next time.”

“You can ask people too,” Katsuki suggested, glancing over but finding her eyes locked on the screen. “I’m going to, I think. It’s awkward, because I don’t want them to have to say no to me, but I think Trax or Ephia would do it, after our patrols together and stuff. Or maybe Miruko. She offered at the gala – she was joking, but maybe she’d take pity.”

“Ochako got an unofficial offer from her, so she’s obviously willing to take people.”

“Ugh, working with Pink Cheeks.”

“Come on, you two get along great,” Mina laughed. “She always sings your praises when you aren’t listening, says you were the only person who took her seriously from day one.”

“Not being a sexist prick is literally the lowest bar I could possibly set.”

“But you still set it, and not everyone did.”

“People are assholes.”

“Some of them,” Mina agreed. “But most of our classmates are super cool, you just don’t give them a chance to show it!”

“I don’t need a bunch of extras getting in my way.”

“I think you’d be surprised how much you enjoyed their company, if you gave them half a chance.”

“Gross.”

Mina laughed, and Katsuki cracked a little smile of his own, finally relaxing a little with Mina to talk to and something for his body to do. He kind of wished he could go talk to Yutaka, with everything going on, but if he couldn’t do that, Mina seemed like the next best thing.

“Can I tell you something, too?” he asked quietly. “Something I don’t want repeated?”

“Of course.”

“Deku just… saw right through me, the whole time. Not just the schemes, but… everything.”

Mina waited patiently, letting him take his time finding the right words, and Katsuki could have hugged her for it if he was a little more touchy as a person – she had this weird, innate sense of her turn in a conversation, where Katsuki always struggled to figure that out.

“He keeps counsellors on staff, for his people to talk to. A lot of them talk to someone, and no one judges them for it. Apparently U.A. is kinda shit about it, like all the agencies are more progressive, but the schools haven’t gotten there.”

“That’s good to know, I feel like a lot of heroes need that.”

“Yeah. He sent me to see one, to talk about the shit I’ve dealt with. You know.”

“I know,” she agreed – she didn’t need him to spell out all the drama he’d run up against in his life, she’d been there for half of it. “Did it go well?”

“It did,” he admitted. “I guess I figured out I was having some… anxiety.”

“No shit,” she snorted. “I’d be concerned if you weren’t.”

He cracked a smile, and she met his eyes for the first time, her expression full of understanding and care, not even a hint of judgment.

“Do you think you’ll keep seeing someone?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe when I graduate, or if I get a work study somewhere that has a good person for me. I really like Yutaka, he’s a good fit for me, and I don’t think I’ll find that again so easily.”

“That’s a shame. It’s good that you’re open to it, though. Maybe you’ll be surprised.”

“Maybe.”

“Deku seems like a cool guy.”

Katsuki hesitated, staring straight ahead at the video, even when Mina eyed him curiously.

“He’s super strict about really dumb things, sometimes.”

“Yeah?”

“But he’s also… really fair. He cares a lot about his job, and his staff, and just seems… really genuine. He sets out his expectations super clearly and expects you to live up to them, but I don’t think he ever expected anything I couldn’t deliver on. Like, he was super pedantic about respect, about being polite and shit, but he never asked me to be perfect or berated me for getting it wrong, he just reminded me, and listened to what I said, and waited for me to fix it or get it right. It really rubbed me the wrong way at times, how picky he was, but he was actually… pretty good about everything, I guess.”

“Not to mention he’s hot.”

“Shut up,” Katsuki huffed, face burning. “What does that matter?”

“It must be nice to have eye candy, that’s all!”

“Like I was looking.”

“Oh yeah right, he’s so your type, there’s no way you weren’t looking.”

“Shut up.”

“You only say that when you know I’m right.”

Katsuki glared at her, but Mina just grinned back, shrugging as she went back to her set of tendus.

“I’m glad you told me,” she said after a moment, neither of them looking at each other this time. “I don’t know what to say, or how to help, but I’m glad you feel safe telling me these things.”

“Yeah. You’re alright.”

“Can I get that in writing?”

[Chapter 18]