Small waist and sad boi hours

I was going to make a video on this but I’ve finally decided to write about it. I used to be terrified of being judged but I acknowledge and accept that my feelings and my needs are just as important as anyone else’s, I am not the only one going through stuff .Sometimes it can difficult to post consistently bc I feel like I have to be this persona 24/7 and I just can’t do that. However, that not true. I can be myself too. I’m going to be open about the REAL me (not just the bubbly side) on patreon. As much as I want to be open up everywhere, I just can’t do it. I’m comfortable on patreon bc I know you all are already a support group. Also I don’t want to get clout online for this, so I’ll keep this emotional venting stuff on patreon, along with a pretty pic for those of you that are here for the pics and cosplay and not for that random vents❤️

Before I begin I want to make it clear that reasons do not always equal justification. In this case my reasoning for my behavior does not equal justification for it.

I’ve recently discovered that not only are my parents going through a divorce, but that my mother is very likely (not diagnosed) a covert narcissist or something similar. It has taken me years of separating myself from the situation (I moved out at 18) and some therapy. To find out and accept that I have a lot of childhood trauma, and that this trauma has manifested into some toxic and self sabotaging traits. I always knew there were problems and that they were bad. However I have recently become more aware of the damage done as I’ve self reflected. I tried to avoid acknowledging the severity of these issues for most of my life because I refused to view myself as a victim. However, I know now that I didn’t victimize myself, my parents did. I continue to victimize myself when I ignore the issues, because it allows my issues to continue. The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging it. So like I said earlier, although reasons can explain behavior they don’t always equal justification. This is one of those cases. I’ve acknowled that I WAS a victim, but I am not anymore. I am capable of self improving and healing and that what I am going to do.

Throughout my life, I’ve always avoided being a burden. When my upper middle class parents became poor due to some medical issues that prevented the working parent from generating income. I would starve myself and intentionally refuse to flush the toilet or ask for anything that might cause a burden, especially if it was financial, even if it was something I needed like more toothpaste once I ran out. From a young age I was overly aware of my parents issues. This was one of the reasons I moved out at 18. I was always the messenger, as I got older my parents would communicate things to me that they wouldn’t communicate to each other. It made me mature much faster than I should have mentally. Like when you try to ripen a fruit early by hitting it. Growing up I was also heavily limited from contact with friends and told things like “no one will love you like we do” I also became conditioned to dread holidays and birthdays because every time my mom would work up some controversy to make it about her and when we called her out she would say things like “oh I’m such a terrible mother” or “I can’t do anything right!” All these issues are just the top of the ice burg, emmotional and physical abuse went hand in hand. When I was in elementary my mom would spank me with the buckle side of the belt until I bled, I was spit on, smacked, abandoned, threatened to be killed and attempted to be killed multiple times by my mom specifically. A part of me genuinely believes she didn’t mean these things and that this was just her way of disciplining me in her own ignorance. The following are issues I have that I have started to become aware of that might be related or caused by my upbringing:

- Crying from unexpected loud noises

- I on and off avoid anything that may make me relive certain trauma. Including activities I enjoy (cross dressing in cosplay is a big one)

- Fear of the dark (must have nightlight or another person i trust there

- Hiding in a closet, or Landry room when I’m sad, even though my environment is safe or I’m home alone

- Even though I have thousands of followers and a whole support group on not only real life (a few very close friends and my S/o) and Patreon and discord I still feel extremely alone and find it difficult to open up to issues, I’ve slowly been getting MUCH better at opening up, but still feel very alone when I do. However I am getting better at this I think! And it does help me feel a little better now!

- I have a very hard time trusting or truly believing someone cares for me, even the people very close to me. I understand now that this isn’t because people are always untrustworthy, it’s a ME problem, and I’ve been getting better at this as well I think

- Flinching at any nearby quick movement, even movement I know will happen, and even if it’s done by a person I trust.

- During Certain holidays or events I will feel the need to make drama to make things about me, however I have NEVER acted on this as I’ve always been very aware that this is something my mom did that really messed me up on my birthdays, to this day I always feel terrible on my birthdays. However I’ve been working very hard at actually enjoying my birthdays, and one of my biggest fears is to ruin something for someone else like my mom ruined birthdays for me.

- Out of nowhere Lack of motivation or even fear for everything, especially for things I’m truly passionate about (self-destructive) I haven’t been getting better At this, I’m not sure how I can improve this

- Hard time setting and enforcement of my boundaries (I’ve gotten much better with this since self reflection and thanks to some experience with creeps online trying to push/test my boundaries)

- I was in denial about my pansexuality, (issues with my identity due to a homophobic and gender stereotyping family) I’m still working through it but I’m getting there, I know who I am now but I’m still somewhat afraid of it, this might be what people refer to as internalized homophobia due to my childhood, I’m not sure. I have never had any issues with LGBTQ, but I did with myself when I realized I was pan. I’ve accepted and love who I am now but I am still weird about it bc my own internalized phobia of this due to my family’s beliefs. I’m so angry that I have this issue, I wish I could just love who I am without feeling guilty. And it’s hard to talk about because I don’t know anyone that relates.

- Even though I am an introvert at heart I still love socializing and having vunerable and close relationships, but I just need to recharge and have me time, however I find myself avoiding talking to people I really want to talk too. I think a big part of this is because I may have been conditioned to feel like I don’t deserve that happiness

- I’m afraid of telling people “no” (I’m getting better at this)

- I Question my own sanity constantly

- Memory problems, (I forgot what I’m talking about halfway through a conversation especially when it’s about my trauma)

I WAS so angry when I found out how my childhood effected me, and on top of that, because I was ignorant and tried to avoid that there was issues at all, I have a lot of work to do to heal. Work and energy that I could have put towards actually enjoying life and being productive are more divided. These issues of my life are the things I have to live with, and I have to live with knowing that although I struggle with issues that are the effect of things that were outside of my control. They still don’t excuse the behaviors they warrant, I’m still angry I have these issues,but not as much. I’ve seen people have it worse than me, and although that doesn’t invalidate my experiences, it definitely humbles me. I’ll vent more in the future but for now I think that this post is long enough. I’m sorry for not being as available and open. I am getting into therapy again and will be managing my time better.If you’ve read this far, you might be someone I have considered as a friend. Thank you. I have to go to work now, but I’ll be messaging everyone I missed on talking to (doscord, pro-life Vs pro choice calls, and even some friends when I get back home today.