Thoughts and prayers appreciated

My 92 year-old grandma, ruth, is in the hospital with pneumonia. She usually lives with us, thankfully my parents enjoy having her around and don't want to ever see her in a facility. We are all pretty worried about her but it looks like she has an enlarged heart that is more of a problem then the pneumonia. Please keep her in your prayers. The hospital she is at is a local one, I've been there before, and unfortunately all of the staff is rather unimpressive and unfriendly. I hate thinking about her being stuck in there. I've been alone in so many hospital settings during Covid when people could only visit me for small amounts of time, and if I could eradicate one thing in this world it would be having to be in a hospital alone. I'm with her mentally and I hope you all send energy to her through this platform to encourage perfect healing in her body.

On another note… I was supposed to call somebody I like tonight, but I have to finish 1984 before Lex Fridman does. It's an inner challenge. And it overcame my desire to hear what the voice of my crush sounds like. Also I'm extremely tired from staying up till 1 AM the past couple nights reading. I also made my order of lingerie FINALLY and some of you will be pleased to know that I have purchased more tartan outfits ha ha. Bear with me as Bear with me as I will be making more audio content and other kinds of creative content… my pregnant caregiver is literally about to pop and she is the only one who helps me with nudes or sexy stuff. She is currently having some trouble with her partner because he is debating whether or not he will move back to Juarez and I'm just praying that she sticks around and applies for Single mom aid without him. He has brought her nothing but grief and in my opinion she deserves the whole wide world.

I postponed the call with my crush for tomorrow night. Basically, he just wants to hear what some of my insecurities are around meeting up and how we can create boundaries and a code of sorts if I start feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack or trauma response based upon the way I have felt cornered or helpless in past relationships. I know I'm not helpless, but being paralyzed I have to be careful who I let close to me because the reality is they could really hurt me or let's say get upset about something and leave the room, leaving me with no way of getting help. I also realize that I cannot project past relational problems on this person, and maybe I'm not ready for all of this. But I feel peaceful about it and this person seems genuine. Thankfully we are both not looking for anything traditional and I feel comfortable because they respect my need to be polyamorous. I'm also chatting with THE most beautiful redhead, and she's got me feeling some type of way. She's definitely another dream come true. I've never been in a real relationship with a woman, but I feel like if she is respectful of my polyamory it would be CRAZY and so exciting. My other crush is a guy, I'm bisexual, and what makes me nervous about him is that he seems so genuine and… I don't know… like most guys are pretty lustful, which I usually enjoy, but even though he's clearly attracted to my body he doesn't objectify me. He'll emphasize my eyes or my beauty but it doesn't feel like that's all he sees. I have to remind myself there are decent man in the world and I don't want to fuck this up so I'm just remembering everything is temporary and I might as well ATTEMPT to accept the make out and cuddle session I deserve. I'm pretty good at keeping my feelings and check as long as I know things are meant to not last very long, and as far as I know I'll be moving to Seattle by next year. So it's nice to think that maybe these new people trying to love on me are Beautiful catalysts helping me grow and believe in myself. In return I just want to adore them and make them feel like 1 million bucks.

Well, 1984 calls.

e