I'm changing my mind

… this coming Monday I've decided to message my doctor about trying out a certain anti-anxiety/depression med. One of my caregiver is recommended it, it's not a typical one so I figure well at least try it out.

I can't exactly act on my suicidal thoughts, but the voices in my head have become so strong I feel like I am going to self sabotage in one way or another, and at the very least feeling this way every day just can't go on. Even before I became paralyzed I struggled with massive mood swings not related typical female mood swings and I always knew eventually I would need to get help. I went through a lot of therapy between the ages of 17 to 19 because I had an eating disorder that started at 15, but I always refused psychiatric treatment in the form of medication. I was hoping that microdosing mushrooms would help me, and although it does seem to enhance any good mood I already have, it does mess up my digestion for whatever reason, and it is not consistently able to manage my mood swings. Cannabis helps my body feel better but it just kind of distract me from the real thoughts. I know I might look cute and confident, but I'm also really good at acting. I cry or become extremely downhearted every day about my injury, and every time I start to feel happy I dread it because a really happy day is always followed by intense depression and the desire to end my life because I am so afraid I will end up neglected in a facility and be better off dead anyway. In fact, I want to make sure I have a plan in place so that if I am ever in that situation, I have the option to end my life peacefully… and don't judge me for wanting that if if you have never been in a facility yourself paralyzed from the neck down. I would be totally neglected end end up dying from an infection due to a bed sore or something like that. The problem is, I'm not in that situation right now and I am treated very well living at home with my parents with caregivers assisting us most days, and yet I still have these intrusive dark thoughts. I can't keep hiding that I'm not OK. I want to move back to my favorite place and B someone successful and happy and not be constantly ashamed for who I am. I want to focus on the good things and dream up a life I would actually love it's literally impossible when those thoughts come. I feel like this is how schizophrenia starts, all these voices. And it scares me a lot.