Last night singing

Just a heads up for you all, people don't usually talk well let alone sing on a ventilator. I've always loved singing, it's probably the most therapeutic activity I could do able-bodied or disabled, although I used to play guitar, piano, and cello.

When I was in the ICU, I couldn't talk at all because I was intubated so I communicated with the nurses buy mouthing words and using an alphabet chart. My eyes with locate the letters the nurses would hold up on a board. When they cut the hole in my throat for the TRACH, I was still awake for the whole thing they just gave me meds to calm me down. I was not able to talk on the ventilator very well for a little while, and when I did I was very raspy. They even brought my dog in to see me a couple times but he could not recognize my voice. That was heartbreaking. My dog lives with a new mom in Seattle now because it's too much of a burden on my parents to take care of me and my dog. That kind of pain in separation is devastating. In fact, while I made this video last night and was in good spirits, today has been I totally different story. I feel defeated, worthless and like I'm terrified of certain things like even dating again because my last relationship ended me after they had cared for me during my lowest points in the hospital… although I am polyamorous I still bond with one main partner usually more than I would like to, maybe it's trauma bonding.

I think I also got a head cold. I just want to be held and comforted and feel like I'm worth all the trouble it takes to take care of me. Without my parents and caregivers, I would be in a facility, totally neglected and most likely slowly dying. The mind can't help but think sometimes about the worst case scenario and with my kind of paralysis I have to take into consideration every possible outcome. It's terrifying to think that without a partner or family members committed to me I would be put in an institution that has no regard for the quality of human life. I realize that if I'm in a state of fear, I can't vibrate at a higher level to attract a good partner,… when I really consider everything, I would be a great partner and I would not expect monogamy from my partner at all I which would give us both a lot of freedom and of course in such a situation I would still have full-time caregivers, I just wouldn't end up in a hospital if one of them had to cancel because hopefully my partner would be able to help me find help. I wouldn't expect them to do the actual work of taking care of me, but to provide a support system to ensure I don't end up in a facility. If you've never been paralyzed from the neck down and completely helpless left alone in a facility you have no idea what being terrified means.

Way too many thoughts.! At some point I have to relax into the knowing that I will be OK no matter what. And even if I'm not, people have been way terrified more than me by evil governments, torture etc.

I just want to be held. I just want to be enough. I guess we all want that, it's just a gift perspective I haven't been loved like that in three years. It's almost like I don't know how to open up my heart again because the pain of rejection it's almost worse than any physical pain. Paralysis is no walk in the park LMAO. And maybe it's more bed MORBID but sometimes I daydream of dying because it would be a relief to myself and everyone around me