Feeling sad

When you think that someone is loving you unconditionally, then they suddenly exit your life intentionally, it's possibly the greatest ego and trust death there can be. On the one hand, aren't we glad to realized that we don't need them to continue the journey… on the other hand… What the fuck.

I just want to say, I loved you the best I could. I'm sorry I got hurt. I'm sorry that I'm disabled. Sometimes I'm sorry I met you in the first place. I'm sorry overwhelmed you with my needs. This whole experience taught me that if I open up and fully trust someone, almost likely be abandoned and humiliated in the worst way. Physically nobody has showed me I can go through anything, but mentally this kind of pain is the worst pain. The voices in my head are so loud.

I don't deserve love. I don't deserve someone who stays. I don't deserve sex because I can't please someone the way I used to. If anyone does pay me attention, it's out of pity. These repercussions of trauma echo in the canyons of my mind.

I wish I could end it all, because what is the use of a life without love?

I know, I love is everything all around us. Maybe everything that I knew before wasn't really love after all. I but it's torture letting go of people you shared pieces of your soul with. I guess by sharing my soul publicly, maybe I can escape me crying privately alone every Night. Even though I'm physically needy, because of my disability, I can make sure that no man calls me needy or codependent ever again. Always just means until I'm sick of you… hearing that word makes me break down because I remember how you would say it looking into my eyes holding my hand when I would be freaking out terrified that I would spend the rest of my days in a facility. I believed in that always and you don't know how many worlds were crushed into dust when I realized it had been just that to you: A word.

I'm sorry about this post everyone. Most of the time I distract myself from these memories.