Mental health

I'm in such a dark place tonight.
I truly Believe that it would be a relief for everyone if I was not existing on this earth anymore.

I imagine how relieved my parents would be, how my siblings would rejoice because for the past two years it's only been suffering and burdensome for my parents taking care of me being traumatized by everything I've gone through. My siblings never ask me how I'm doing and now around the holiday I have to pretend like that doesn't hurt me. To face the bullshit of being around them and wearing a smile even though they don't understand my disability and I think they blame me for the fact that I am a quadriplegic. Sometimes, I'm so depressed because of my disability, but my brothers seem to think that when I am depressed it is a "" bad attitude. There is such a lack of empathy it makes me feel physically nauseous. I want to move out and be independent in my own house, but my settlement probably won't come through for another year. I see other disabled Women with their husbands or boyfriends this time of year, and I can't help but break a little more just wanting somebody outside of my family to love me, not out of duty or because they are being paid. I want to be held and be told that the world is a better place because of me but all of your voices in my head are telling me to drive my wheelchair into the street because I'm a burden to society and I will always be.

I don't know how to live the rest of my life like this, alone every night, in a living situation that isn't fulfilling, away from my dog who I raised since I was a child, constantly feeling guilty for wanting sexual and emotional connections again and always walking on eggshells around my parents…

I have these dreams where I am walking or standing up for long periods of time in Washington in the rain where I love it, every single dream I am moving and not fully paralyzed. I wonder if dying is   going into a dream state. I wonder what happens during our last breaths as we say goodbye to this world panicking but then accepting it.

I wonder if anyone would notice.