Feeling down…

I really need to start exercising on the stand up machine and FES bikes again at Craig hospital in their gym, because I want to get stronger in my legs and quads. I get so depressed around this time of year all the way up until New Year's. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because two years ago at this time I was being neglected in a long-term acute care facility with only my ex J by my side. In those kinds of facilities, they have no idea what to do with someone like me. Instead of getting me up in a commode chair they would do my bowel program every morning at 5 AM disrupting my sleep schedule as well as humiliating me because they did the bowel program in my bed. I was not showered for four months. I had to literally beg the staff to get me up in my wheelchair for 15 to 20 minutes to go outside and get some sunlight. From a healthy 115 pounds I went down to 80 pounds while I was there because they said they were too short staffed to feed me. My boyfriend at the time tried his best to be there for me and parked his RV in the parking lot but honestly the stress and pure frustration of my situation really wore him down. There was a chance that insurance would not pay for me to go to Craig hospital in Colorado to get treatment, to be treated like a real human being worthy of respect and care. Up until the day I left I was convinced that somehow I would be trapped in a facility forever. I'm grateful for my ex in retrospect because he always encouraged me never to give up hope and fiercely advocated for me. I'm really sad the way that things played out, as he admitted he was no longer attracted to me and I just could not stay friends after I knew that. I wish I could tell him how thankful I am but we both hurt each other and huge Ways and I doubt he would want to hear for me from me.

Sorry, with voice access it's hard to type sometimes because it misinterprets what I'm saying. And I'm too tired to correct it. I've been feeling extremely hopeless the past week and suicidal, although obviously it would be nearly impossible for me to commit suicide. I want to move, I want to breathe really, I want to breathe freely, I want to run barefoot on the beach again at my favorite little Oceanside park in Steilacoom Washington with my dog latte by my side. I don't wanna be paralyzed. I don't wanna struggle every single fucking second of every single fucking day.

I'm thankful for the mushroom medicine. I'm thankful for the people who stayed in my life even though my body is useless and societies eyes now.

But this is by no means easy. I don't know what is a head. I don't know if I will win my settlement or if I will struggle the rest of my life to merely exist as a disabled woman. I have so many dreams. I know that toxic positivity tells me to be happy no matter what, but the truth is it's exhausting living every day only being able to move my neck and relying on everybody else for the simplest tasks like going to the bathroom eating and brushing my teeth or even making a phone call. I have absolutely no privacy until I am put in bed and left alone at night. That is when I make these posts. That is when I metaphorically scream into the void WHY?! I doubt sometimes that God cares because if the miracle working god of the Bible could heal everyone in one second and relieve all human suffering then why does he wait. I tend to believe it's rather unfair. But through my practice of Hindu meditation and the singing of beautiful mantras, I recognize that True bliss does exist in full self acceptance and the god or goddess in each one of us is always assisting and healing. I guess even Jesus felt like God had forsaken him at one point, the difference here is that god raised him from the dead and so far my limbs are still dead. But who am I to question right? I just want to help other disabled people so that they are never put in the position that I was in for those four months in a facility. Everybody deserves a home and to be treated with love and understanding.

There we go.

In all the chaos, a quiet knowing.

In the pain of loss, so much loss, a little bit of peace.

Love,

e