O my God

… first of all… Vimeo sucks… I uploaded a 20 minute video and they would only let me post a 10 minute video. Most of the 20 minutes was after the real ACT ahem, mostly just me talking about my sex life before my injury. I lived in Seattle Washington where I grew into my identity as a bisexual polyamorous demisexual. Although I had one partner I considered to be my main thang , I had other lovers I was committed to at the same time and let's say I was out at a party with them or a club I would kiss and dance with other people if it was OK with them.

I didn't even start having sex until I was 20 because I was raised in a very religious home. As a teenager I struggled with anorexia and I truly never thought I was beautiful until years later when I recovered from my disorder and was living independently in the Seattle area doing what I loved as a dental assistant. I was never comfortable in my body until I fully recovered and experienced the love of my life who was extremely physically compatible with me but struggled with his own demons and we had to separate. He is the first man that ever made me come, up until him I would genuinely just pretend. Sex was not pleasurable for me even though I was able to climax on my own, usually with other girls in mind… sex with men usually hurt or was not fun and I only did it in order to get close to guys that I thought I liked, Little did I know then that I am demisexual which means I need some kind of an emotional connection in order to have sex with someone.

I was still figuring out who I was as someone in their young 20s, and from the beginning I experienced attraction to multiple people and this was a source of shame in my monogamous relationships even though I was very honest because I don't like to keep secrets. I was even engaged at one point and seriously going to commit to a monogamous marriage because I reasoned, I loved that person enough to never love anybody else. I now realize that it is my great capacity to love people prompting me into polyamory, and furthermore that I have always felt this way I have just not been able to express it with the right words until a couple years ago. I know realize that a truly fulfilling marriage for me would be comprised of a like-minded individual who also had a big heart to love and who I would respect as someone who would make good choices in their other partners and be enriched and inspired by their other letters while still sorry I meant to say L-O-V-E RS while still committing to me. I know it seems like a lot for people who are Born to be monogamous, but for me it's so fascinating and exciting!

And yes I am an extremely jealous person but that would be true even in a monogamous relationship for me. I now realize that jealousy can be useful in certain ways as a turn on… for instance if my polyamorous partner is seeing another woman and I know they have a great connection, it will only strengthen my passion for them during the time we have to gather together sexually because I'll be giving my all and really treasuring my moments with them knowing that they are not my commodity, not there at my beck and call or as my property. At the same time I treasure the freedom they give it to me in the same way. If I want freedom, which has always been my desire, in every aspect of life, then I have to give them the same freedom.

My disability really crashed my romantic spirit and I started thinking that nobody would love me this way. Now I am considering dating again even though a part of me is terrified. I wish I could be detached emotionally and just happy to sleep with a hot person who could help me to come. But I get all in my feels about it and I don't want to disappoint someone. I still think my disability makes me less beautiful, and I'm working on that.

Even as an able bodied girl, I never ever posted anything of me like this online. Please respect that this is very bold of me as well as vulnerable.

My dream would be to have a lover soon who could demonstrate with me how to practically end romantically have sex with someone with a disability like mine. A lot of people just have no idea that disabled women are still very sexual and have the same needs as able-bodied women. I may not be able to feel as well as I used to, but the act of orgasms still has the same Health benefits as well as mental and emotional when a loving partner is involved.

I hope you enjoy And learn a little in the process;)

Love,

e