Ancilla L

Podcast E67: A Thousand Questions About Polyamory (and no answers)

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Emotional Masochism 101: A Detailed Guide.

I think emotional masochism is not only hard to understand, but it is also a slippery slope. There are some questions about it that immediately occur to any person, whether they are well-versed in the subject or not. I recently wrote about the chronic lack of approval in my power-exchange dynamic with my long-term partner as an act/condition of emotional masochism and it led to some ...

Will You See The Fireflies Too?

There are two triangles embossed onto the left lapel of his shirt, the logo of some brand I do not know, even though, I am sure I bought this shirt for him. As he grips my throat again, I force myself to stare at the triangles; the blood drains from my face, I feel light as air and I know the only way to remain conscious is to keep looking at the triangles, but I am dist...

Darkness: A Sestina.

Like an elegy, your promises pour out of the darkness,
I lay beside you—breathing—yet it is me you lament,
in your terse syllables, you seem to distil moonlight,
fashioning it into a weapon of soft, reflective glass,
yet when you say the words, I am the one to break.
Bend over, slave, let me use you until you cry again.

And when the harsh, unforgiving sunlight...

The Relationship HighCast: E6: Money in Relationships.

In the latest episode of the Relationship HighCast, we discuss money in relationships of all kinds — mono, poly, kink — from a social, gendered, political and cultural perspective.

Stand In The Corner.

The long bamboo stick is still lying on the floor. Usually, it is propped up against the corner, but last night we moved it to make room for me. It’s mostly useless as an object, it could have been used to beat a person, that’s why I bought it, but it’s just a little too long to be manoeuvred well. If it were built differently, with a little finesse and sharper edges, perhaps it could hav...

Podcast E66: Weed, Drunk Bathroom Girls And Parents.

I recorded this just as the edible was kicking in but it doesn't talk about weed the way you would expect. Really. 

What I Am Learning About Community From Hosting Kink Events.

Five years ago, if you told me that I would be teaching kink-and-sex ed classes, hosting workshops and social events, I would have wondered what was going to happen to me in the future that would make me lose all of my principles. I don’t mean that hosting events means you have no principles, I mean that I had always been extremely adamant that I wouldn’t be an educator or an event host. I ...

Podcast E65: Subjectivity, Education, Disparity and Such.

Honestly, this podcast talks about way too much and maybe nothing at all. Just how I like it. 

Inamorata.

The first time I said it, the world stopped. I had been holding onto it for ages, like sand in my grip, and each time it threatened to pour out of me, I clenched harder, cutting my palm with my nails to bloody the sand just enough to keep it from flowing. 

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

You lay beside me, trying to wipe the streaks of sh...

Podcast E64: 10 Mistakes You May Be Making As A Submissive

You could be making some mistakes as a submissive. Wanna find out what they may be?

The River.

As he holds my head under the water, I grasp at the riverbed for support. The soil is loose, the more I scratch, the more gravel I unearth. The water shoots up my nose and inside my mouth, I shake my head in an attempt to surface but neither does he relent, nor does the river. It's not quite the same to be drowned in a river, as it is in a tub of water, it feels like waterboarding mo...

Podcast E64: Community leadership and The Games People Play.

Community is good. Community is weird. Community is a competition. Community is wholesome. Community has the potential to be toxic. Community is loud. Community can foster silence. Say you want to be a community leader, can you tell me why? 

Safewords For Non-Sexual Touch.

I have a safeword for non-sexual touch. Okay, I don't actually have a safe-word for non-sexual touch. Well, I did come up with one (to use within my primary relationship), it was *elephant*, and I used it a few times, and still sometimes do, but I haven't quite trained my brain to use it instead of just asking not to be touched in so many words. It's really not about the safeword, it's about wh...

How BDSM Interacts With Indian Society.

BDSM In India: A Community In Context.

Eleven years ago, I went to a café in South Delhi to meet a group of BDSM-practioners I had encountered on a website called Fetlife. Fetlife is the largest global, social network for people who are into BDSM or other fetishes. The event was called a munch. A munch is a playful term used to describe a meeting where a group of fetishists co...

Class Notes: Erotic Expressionism

Hello! 

I taught a class on Erotic Expressionism recently. Please find attached the complete set of notes I used to teach the class. Please do not disseminate the notes, they are for your use as my patrons only. Thank you! 

The practice of exploiting loopholes by tops.

For the past few years, I have become more and more interested in a certain type of potential predator. Oh god, when I put it like that it sounds like I am interested in dating them, I mean I have become more observant of a certain style of manipulation that abounds in the kink scene – The exploitation of loopholes. Let me give you an example.

Over a decade ago, I was (casually) playin...

Podcast E63: Two Kinds of Useful.

How do you summarise something that has no point? Here's what this week's podcast is about:

- What if age is not just a number?
- Masochism as a sexuality and as a sensibility.
- A predilection to tragedy does not make you depressed.
- Some fetishes are easier to explain than others.
- What is the appeal of masochism? Subservience? Suffering?

The Relationship HighCast: Bonus Episode: An Interview With My Husband!

I ask him questions, he answers, and then I try to answer for him. Or something. 

A Shameful Morning.

I open my eyes to find my fingers are already in his hand as he is pulling away from me. He seems to have kissed my forehead. My hair smells of his aftershave, I'm fairly certain that's what woke me up. 

"Good morning, my love," he says to me, holding my fingers to his mouth and kissing every tip. 

My fingers smell of his aftershave, too. Usually, I c...

Podcast E62: Where Do You Fit Into Queer History?

Where in the world do you find history? If you don't feel like you fit into the history of the movement of your people, where do you belong? Does feeling queer enough matter? How do you decide what that means? 

The Relationship HighCast: E5: Co-Habitation!

This is my favourite episode so far! In this edition of The Relationship HighCast we talk about Co-habitation: What makes one do it? What makes one not want to do it? What is it like to live with someone who takes two hours to get ready in the morning? (< not me, but both my husband and my sister 🙄). Enjoy!

Class Notes: Sexual Communication

This is a class I designed to teach better, more specific and detailed communication practises to the end of a more ethical, informed and pleasurable practise of sexuality. The notes are detailed enough that you do not need to attend an in-person class and they are accessible for download to all my patrons (except ones who subscribe only to the podcast). The document with the notes is attached ...

Chronicle of A Kidnapping.

The old mat keeps rolling up against my back, I push it out of the way with my shoulder, but like me, it has little room or opportunity to settle, so it rolls right back. For what it is, this space is capacious, but I’m not sure it was meant to have enough room to accommodate a grown woman and all her regretful junk. It’s always odd to be in the trunk of your own car, surrounded by these th...

Relationships Are Only As Dangerous As The People In Them.

My ex and I did not have a well established dynamic of any kind however we did have a choice few rules that were indicative of our dynamic. One of those rules was that I don't say no to anything he tells me to do or endure. Basically, I don't say no. No matter what.

One time we were having penetrative sex after some fairly intense genital flogging and it so happened that he entered me a...

Podcast E61: Are Friendships The Hardest Relationships?

A personal and social evaluation of friendships are multi-layered relationships of great complexity (to some people, anyway). 

Love And Lamentation.

He is teaching me to kiss. It is as otiose an endeavour as one can be, I’m never going to learn and what’s more is that I don’t want to. In any case, the purpose of this heuristic enterprise is not really to teach me, it’s so we can laugh about it. He has me practise on his hand. I can kiss a hand, and even a foot, with passionate fervour, because they don’t kiss back nor d...

The Fabric of Slavery.

I'm ashamed of the fact that I identify as a slave. Hear me out, before you react, I am very comfortable with my affinity for pain and more importantly, I understand it. Pain, to me, feels like the worn fabric of the blanket I held between my fingers as I fell asleep in my childhood bed, dreaming of liberation. From the moment I first felt pain, I understood that I wanted it, there were no mome...

The Relationship HighCast: E4: Attraction and What Causes It.

What causes attraction? What keeps it there? Does it survive long-term love? How does it change over time? Why does it disappear? Where does it go? How is it different from interest? Is a relationship doomed without it? Do societal ideas of "attractive" influence your relationship?

All of that in the latest episode of The Relationship HighCast! 

Podcast E60: Having Children and Not Having Them.

A lot about parenting. But not all.