Gamers love to nostalgia-wank about the good old days of gaming, back when everything was bits and women weren’t interested so it didn’t even matter that they weren’t allowed. I’m not immune to it, my...
2020-11-03 13:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostTwo Learning Days ago we looked at Science 4 for Christian Schools, a textbook trai...
2020-11-02 13:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostBrockway: If you’re talking weird horror flicks, somebody will inevitably say you have to see Hausu, the 1977 Japanese haunted house movie that confused and aroused Americans with ...
2020-10-30 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post"Men! WHO CAN FIGURE THEM OUT?" are the first words 101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention says to the reader, and I challenge any author to more quickly demonstrat...
2020-10-29 12:00:02 +0000 UTC View PostUltimate Tag is a real show that I did not make up no matter how many times I fact check this sentence. Nope, still real. Are you sure? Yeah, holy shit. This is the world, everybody. We’ve reached ...
2020-10-28 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post"Take this book! It's too late for me!" screamed the man who leapt through my window. I nodded, mistaking these for the words of a dying man. Instead, he remained alive, saying many, many more things as the n...
2020-10-27 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostCaptain Video and his Video Rangers was a 1950s sci-fi TV series that absolutely pioneered the burgeoning art of not giving a shit. They barely named the characters. Captain Video’s first name was ...
2020-10-26 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostLet's talk women, ladies, and all the things that make women "Great!" Shoes! Underpants! Shoes! Shoes! Can you name 999 more? Stop, don't bother! In 2005, "authors" Lisa Birnbach, Ann Hodgman, and Patricia Ma...
2020-10-23 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostThe last movie sex scene I brought you was that time the kid from A Christmas Story jacked off a sentient dirtbike. But that was more a condemnation of The Dirt Bike Kid’s flagrant violati...
2020-10-22 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostSometimes cross-promotions are successful, like when the Target Dog fought and ultimately killed the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Of course, today, we're not going to talk about the most beloved dog murder in modern ...
2020-10-21 12:00:04 +0000 UTC View PostBasically every hobby I have is either problematic in nature, or quickly becomes problematic because of the way I do it. Take memes: I can’t just enjoy them and move on; I have to dig into them. I have to r...
2020-10-20 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostThere is no shortage of knowledge out there. A woman named Annie Hawkins-Turner has the world record for biggest tits, for example. Yet there are so many mysteries left unsolved. Trees? Electricity?
Happy Upsetting Day! Hopefully you’re not upset that you’re getting a p...
2020-10-16 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostOh, hi! Do you like butt stuff, only you wish it was more of a clinical exploration of the erogenous clusters inside your anus? Then you'll love the 2003 VHS cassette tape, THE BETTER SEX GUIDE TO ANAL PL...
2020-10-15 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostMalibu was a slipshod comic imprint that could have only existed in the gimme-gimme-glut of ‘90s comics. Malibu’s entire business model was “mom knows you’re sick so she picks up comics and you apprec...
2020-10-14 12:00:22 +0000 UTC View Post
Road House is not the Citizen Kane of bouncer movies. Citizen Kane is the Road House of newspaper movies. This is my third and possibly final column in the series I'm calling, "How The Eighties Convinced Men They Could Murder Their Way To A Bigger Cock, Inadvertently...
2020-10-13 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View PostBlockbuster died so hard that today it’s a joke: a punchline whose setup is how terrifyingly fast new technology can destroy whole industries. But back in the day, Blockbuster was King Dick of Fuck Island, ...
2020-10-12 12:02:10 +0000 UTC View Post
Welcome back, 1-900-HOTDOG readers! We now rejoin my responses to Nintendo Power's reader mail responses 2020-10-09 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View Post
Fucking is simple. Find the hole or surface of your choice and apply friction until your mother is ashamed of you. Technology made fucking complicated. The internet drove fucking insane. Let’s talk about Hololive, which is a Japanese Vtuber talent agency for Idoru camgirls.
2020-10-08 12:01:00 +0000 UTC
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Many years ago, I put a thing on the Internet called "Seanbaby's NES Page" which featured a section called "Dear Nintendo, My Life is a Goddamn Mess." It was about weird letters fans wrote to Nintendo Power magazine which they somehow chose to print. And here's something fun: That's what we're ...
2020-10-07 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
I normally have a strict rule against watching movies with names that are too close to what their porn parody names would be (Grandpa Under Covers), but I put my principles aside for Undercover Grandpa. After all, it is one of the best action/family/comedy films ever made, in Canada, ...
2020-10-06 12:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
It's been 7 months since we started this website-- an oasis of fun designed so two incredible men could produce short bits of daily hilarity. But we are not men of short bits. Our mighty hands type jokes by the thousands. Our strong backs hunch over to Photoshop by the hectares. So it has become this: ...
2020-10-05 12:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Making fun of fan fiction is tricky. On the one hand, it absolutely deserves to be mocked. On the other hand, you’re absolutely an asshole for mocking it. For starters, a professional writer making fun of an amateur writer is generally considered punching down, and people frown on that, despite it cl...
2020-10-02 12:01:00 +0000 UTC View PostIn man's quest to get his dong into things, he has tried an infinite number of options. A romance "expert" named Gregory JP Godek made it his quest to list them all then spent decades boiling it down to one--...
2020-10-01 12:01:05 +0000 UTC View Post
You probably know that Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was a recut of a Japanese show with new American actors. It wasn’t white-washing, but it was white-splicing, which… actually sounds way worse, like an extremely popular thread you’d find on 8kun. To nobody’s surprise except for appare...
2020-09-30 12:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
Today is my 15th 1-900-HOTDOG Punching Day article, and according to Punching Day tradition, this is the anniversary where I give you, my lover, the gift of Kill Switch. Kill Switch is, of course, the 2008 direct-to-video "action" movie "starring" Steven Seagal. You will fu...
2020-09-29 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
“Do you want to fuck them? Do you want to fuck them all? It’s up to you whether or not you fuck the whole world. But I’ll warn you now: You’ll have to work very hard not to.”
That sounds like the introductory narration to a banned porn parody of Conan the Barbarian. It so...
2020-09-28 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View Post
Here in America, we've designed an easily corrupted, very racist justice system. Then we incentivized everyone involved in that system to be the maximum amount of lazy and evil. After that, we declared it a virtue for you to put all your trust into it. It has not gone well. This Upsett...
2020-09-25 12:01:01 +0000 UTC View Post
When the internet was still in its early days, we had not perfected the fine art of masturbating to nerd shit. The will was always there, but the technology simply hadn’t caught up yet. While you waited twenty minutes for a low resolution screenshot of topless Teri Hatcher to download, you...
2020-09-24 12:00:03 +0000 UTC View Post
The year was 1986, and being cool at parties was in. But cool at parties wasn't something you could simply decide to be, nerds. You had to put in the work. You had to watch "top-rated star" Malcolm Jamal Warner on a VHS cassette for nearly ...
2020-09-23 12:01:14 +0000 UTC View Post
