Power Exchange Textbook: Chapter 5

This is part of The Power-Exchange Sextbook that I am currently writing. As of now, these chapters are only available to my patrons on here. You can access the earlier chapters at this tag.

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Chapter 5

Spheres of Control

Control is a vast concept and a very general term. Not only is it dependent on what qualifies as being controlled to a person, it is also nebulous in terms of manifestation. Within power-exchange it is very important for both top and bottom to determine what kind of control they would like to relinquish/assume and to that end, we must investigate the idea of spheres of control.

Traditionally, people refer to their dynamics in a few different ways.

There is the bedroom-only dynamic, which implies that the power-exchange is limited to the sexual but also raises the question—what is the sexual? To some people, sexual is very straightforward to define, whereas to others it may not have any genital involvement or even involve nudity. Some people mean bedroom-only to imply that the scope of control is limited only to play-time (ie; the control elapses at the end of the scene) whereas to others the control can extend past the scene as a form of foreplay or if it is sexual in nature. This is confusing. Where are the limits of a bedroom-only dynamic? If a top suggests to a bottom that they commit to drinking twelve-glasses of water a day but they do it during a scene, does that qualify as bedroom-only or sexual? If it is said outside of a scene but elicits a sexual response in the bottom, does it now qualify as sexual?

Another way in which people refer to their dynamic is as a 24/7 dynamic. Typically, it is meant to indicate that the parties adhere to the constraints and conditions of their roles at all times. However, it is also confusing sometimes. For instance, I identify as a slave, which means that as a role that forms a part of my identity and the entirety of my identity is always active, that is how identity works. When my eyes observe a situation or my mind processes it, the filter of my multi-faceted identity is always present in its totality but the decisions I make, may not be influenced by that at all. As a parent, I don’t make decisions based on my adherence to a construct, I make them based on what is best for the child, and when I do make those decisions, I still retain my identity as a slave, but it has no bearing on what I do in the world, but the implication of a 24/7 dynamic sometimes implies that every decision must be deferred to the dominant-entity. Other times it implies that systems of behaviour be constant or always governed by the same rules. It is even philosophically confusing for me to understand this, everything I am and do is always a part of me, is there even a way to be anything less than 24/7-ly? Doesn’t human life preclude that as an option?

The problem with the extant system of designating spheres of control is that it is too binary a system. There is little room or language to discuss exactly what constitutes these categories and what lies in between them. It often seems like a choice between either 24/7 or bedroom-only, without ever clarifying what those choices even mean. Personally, I suggest we disrupt this system of communication by adopting one that is much more adaptable, specific and nuanced. I don’t negotiate my dynamics based on when they are active, whether they are sexual or anything like that, instead I classify my life into spheres and determine which ones are off-limits for me (and for the ones that are on the table, I determine the extent to which they are on the table, and we will discuss that further in the next chapter, The Scope of Control).

The following are the spheres of control I consider and how I define each one. For ease of understanding, I will use (personal) examples to demonstrate the nature of control that may be exerted in each sphere but the examples are indicative, not definitive or exhaustive.

- Personal

The personal realm is about who I am, how I live my life, beliefs I hold, goals I may have, things I enjoy, stuff I dislike, my taste in art or food, my roots and their influence on me, my lifestyle, my values, my system of ethics and what I want out of life. Within the personal realm control can involve modification of a belief or habit one holds. It can involve control to the end of achieving a goal one has set by creating systems of accountability. It can also involve things like setting a routine or incorporating some act/task into your routine that does not exceed influence beyond the person doing the task. For example, some people like to set a designated time of day to take a moment to kneel, send a picture of themselves to their partner, leave a glass of water for their partner. The personal realm contains a lot of the behavioural aspects in which control can be exerted like speech-modification, choosing what someone eats at a restaurant, determining how someone must act with regard to their partner.

- Bodily

The bodily sphere can have multiple aspects to it. It can refer to control about how one presents their body, which can be about clothing, positioning or even modification like piercings, tattoos or changes in size, presentation or general attire. For some it could be as simple as always dressing nicely for their partner and for others it may extend to having a particular outfit picked out for them, some may choose clothes for their partner every day while others may designate something of a uniform. Bodily control can also extend to health-based control over a person. If the submissive-partner has a chronic health condition, the management of it or systems of accountability can be built into the structure of the dynamic. It can also be exerted in the form of codifying habit-development that relates to the body, like going to the gym, using certain skincare products, drinking enough water, remembering to stretch or any number of habits one may wish to develop with regard to their body. Bodily control can also refer to bodily function and response, like bathroom-use control or the type of movement/presentation that is expected within specific situations, like positional control in terms of how to greet your partner, show them affection, expose yourself to them etc. Bodily control can also involve the body of the dominant partner in ways like worship or tending to them, with massages or other relaxing techniques. It may also involve certain conventions of touch, like who is allowed to touch whom when, in many power exchange dynamics, touch can be one-way during play (especially) and that may be part of the fabric of the relationship. Bodily control may also involve acts of humiliation or praise for specific parts or the entirety of one’s body.

- Sexual

Sexual control is a bit complex because, as I said before, what qualifies as sexual tends to vary deeply from person to person. In some ways, every single one of these spheres could be sexual to some people and none of them could be sexual to others. For the purpose of this discussion, I will approach the sexual realm more narrowly and more conventionally. The sexual sphere can be the one concerned with pleasure, in that the pleasure of the submissive partner, whether that is in the form of orgasms, genital stimulation or something else altogether, could be controlled by the dominant partner. As a counterpart, there is also the control of sexual service, in that being available in various ways for the pleasure of the dominant partner (however they may define it) may be the control exerted. Orgasm control is, of course, a very popular method of exerting sexual control, whether that is in the form of denial or forced orgasms. Sexual control could also extend to who is allowed to demonstrate their sexuality to whom. In some relationships, the dominant party may have the right to decide who the submissive party will fuck or give them to other people to use, or there can also be the type of dynamic where the dominant party is allowed to explore themselves sexually with other people while the submissive party is not, this may or may not take the form of cuckolding. Sexual control can also be response based, in that a person’s expected response to pleasure could be scripted, or the way a person is to accept pleasure is determined by another entity.

- Familial

Familial control can be about a few different things. Sometimes, it is about the household more than it is about the family, in that there is a clear determination of who is the head of the household, and thereby retains the final say on any (or agreed upon) decisions that are made about the household. This does not mean that only one partner cleans the house or cooks (if they cohabitate), it just means that one partner decides how things are to be run. It can also mean control over how relationships are conducted within your family. For instance, the most common way that I see this manifesting is in the case of parenting as equals versus parenting from a dynamic, wherein one side is the decision to not let your power-dynamic bleed into the decisions you may for your children and to retain equal say as partners, and the other is one where one partner trusts the other to have the final say, even in situations where their point of view may differ. Other familial aspects may include the realm of exposure, there may be members of your family around whom you are comfortable wearing a collar or revealing certain aspects of your relationship and others around whom it is completely off the table to do so.

- Social

Social control is concerned with how one presents themselves to other people who are not within your dynamic. It may also concern how you present yourself to the world, and whether that is in keeping with your value system or one imposed upon you through a chosen system of control. The social realm is extremely vast so it may help to consider it through an example. Say, you are a body-shy, bashful individual and your dominant-partner as a form of control wishes for you to be more extroverted (because you have that goal) or dress in a more revealing or unusual manner. They may obligate you to talk to two people during an event you attend together, or they may decide what you are to wear to that event. In this way, there is control exerted over your interactions with other people, but it is very important to be mindful of a line here, it is only okay to expose or involve people into your dynamic with their consent. Certain things are benign, if I wear a dress I am not comfortable wearing, that is an experience that only concerns me even when other people can see what I am wearing, but if I undress in a social-space not designated for nudity, I am subjecting non-consenting people to actions that are playing out within my dynamic. Social control can also involve setting codes of behaviour within social settings, particularly social events that are kink-based. It could involve how one conducts or develops relationships with others, some people prefer to be in relationships where any attempts at communication with them go through their dominant-partner or are subject to their approval. It is also important to be mindful when deciding to do something like that, because other people may not want to participate in your rituals and may choose not to interact with you because of these conditions, as is their right. It is also important to check for the abusive potential for isolation in this regard. A dominant entity with nefarious purposes may deliberately optimise these systems to ensure the submissive partner never makes contact with people who have bad things to say about them or people who may advocate for them to have more agency in their relationships.

- Political

The political sphere is a lot more pervasive than we tend to realise on the face of it. In the simplest terms, it could involve something like deciding for whom one must vote or campaign but for the most part, it plays out in more nuanced spaces. One’s political identity is not just about what we believe but also about how we are placed within society. So, if I identify as a woman, but more importantly, if I am seen as one, any control that is exerted that is concerned with that identity can be a political space for me. For instance, the politics of beauty and self-“care” are heavily skewed towards putting on women the tax to be pretty to exist within society and be accepted, any control geared towards prettification (like make-up or grooming or dressing feminine) could be construed as a political space by some people. Obviously, for some there is a subversive element that hinges on dichotomy, wherein being viewed as an oppressed class in society makes it particularly gratifying to take a power-based role within a relationship, scene or dynamic, while for others the rejection of any form of control that is rooted within political structures may be the more comfortable decision. There are also people who like to lean into the conventions of their political identification because that is what serves their pleasure best, it is vital to pay attention to any re-purposed power to ensure there are no continuing cycles of inadvertent exploitation.

- Financial

Money is power and all that, eh? Power within the financial sphere can be interpreted in a few different ways. In relationships where there are joint finances or expenses, it may be about who has the final say on how money is spent and may even extend to who is allowed to generate it and in what way. It may be about obtaining permission for incurring expenses or an obligation to only spend money on certain things. Financial control within the realm of financial domination can take a very different path wherein money becomes the direct object of control and the representation of how subservience is primarily expressed, there are some people who enjoy being objectified into wallets or ATMs that exist only to serve the financial needs of the person draining them. Financial control can also be more subtle or exist when there are no joint finances, wherein one party may guide the other into developing a more sound financial outlook, encourage/obligate habits of saving or disallow spending simply to enact the misery that may arise from that. In financial control, it is important to remember that socially-speaking, money is a major system of measurement for power, and for certain groups, taking charge of their money has come at the cost of generations of struggle and that may present a unique challenge in ensuring that any financial control that is exerted does not amount to continuing patterns of oppression, unless the party that is being oppressed in this way provides informed, enthusiastic consent to do so.

- Romantic/Dating

In monogamous relationships, control over the dating sphere may refer to how a relationship develops, the stages of development and whether those coincide with social stages of relationship development (like cohabitation or marriage). In polyamorous relationships, this control can be very different and intersect with polyam structures in ways that can be complicated or problematic. Veto is a form of control that can be exerted within a power-exchange relationship that may have influence on how another dates, if the dominant party reserves the right to decide whether or not the submissive party can have a relationship with another person, or gets a say in how that relationship should be designed, or whether it should end, then by definition that may be viewed as hierarchical polyamory by some people and they may not wish to engage in that. The act of obtaining permission from a dominant partner before engaging in any kind of flirtation or sexual engagement with another person may also be a method of exerting control. In this situation, it is important that all potential and real other partners have the right to provide informed consent. It is less about whether veto is right or wrong on the face of it, and more about whether the person you are choosing to engage is aware of all the factors that may influence their relationship with you once it has begun when they make the decision of engagement.

- Professional

The professional sphere contains control over what one does for a living, whether they do it at all, how much do they do it, where is places on the hierarchy of priorities and who retains the power to decide whether one should take/leave or continue a particular job. It can also be about how one presents themselves at work, or the environment within which they work. It could be about how much time one gives to work versus their relationship or whether it is acceptable to interrupt their work in order to serve the relationship.

Those are some of the spheres within which power-exchange and its conventions can be determined. In some ways, you may have noticed, these many mimic the conventions and issues that come up in any kind of relationship. One of my favourite things about power-exchange is that it allows you to bring structure to relationships in a way that is often frowned-upon within traditional relationships, and to that end it is not always about how much power I give up but also about exactly how decisions in various realms of relationships are handled. It provides a framework for it all.