My Annual Trip To The Dating Apps: A Review

The last time I checked into the dating world, a few things were different. Hinge was the most popular dating app at the time (and it appears not to have derailed as severely as Tinder) and sapiosexuality appeared to be in decline. A year ago, every dating profile was demisexual, introverted, "loves to travel" and big on nerd-ery. Back then the most persistent poly stereotype that was being fought against was dealt the following war-cry:

"*Poly is not just meant to be a thing that enables you to have sex with whosoever you want, it's not about sleeping around, it's a much more vast lifestyle.*"

(How's that going, by the way? Have we convinced them?)

This year (and I am realising as I write this that I make annual trips onto dating apps and each year I seem to do it in November), I see something different. First of all, sapiosexuality is back and, ugh. I don't know why sapiosexuality irks me the way it does. I mean, fundamentally and conceptually, the possibility of a person whose primary (ahead of gender) condition of attraction is intelligence makes sense, seems like a perfectly palatable choice. However every sapiosexual I meet makes me want to stab myself in the eye. I think they just mean they are attracted to intelligence which, okay, but do you think the rest of us are out here fapping about the possibility of fucking a moron? What do you think we do? Make sure they don't know what the periodic table is before we buy them dinner? Also, how do you assess intelligence, exactly? When the rest of us swap STI tests, do y'all swap IQ tests? I ask this question every single year when I go online to date. The answer seems to change every year, but only slightly. Here are some of the ways in which intelligence is assessed on dating apps:

- Number of references to Plato in every conversation.
- "I am talking about *socio-politico-economic-emotional-financial-linguistic* ramifications of....."
- There was a horrifying year when reading Any Rand was intelligence. Let's never do that again? Thanks.
- "I read this quote"  × 3235
- Grammar, because why realise our elitist understanding of language when we can continue to shit on people for getting an apostrophe wrong?
- Misanthropy (because all people are beneath all people and that tracks somehow)
- Being poly and/or atheist.
- Talking about the books you've read but it must be done in a "name dropping" capacity and absolutely never must you actually discuss the book, just list them or randomly bring them up in reference to something irrelevant. Or describe yourself as a "voracious" reader and have all your zoom meetings in front of your bookshelf.

I don't know that I qualify as intelligent on any dating app  so I have resolved to filter out the sapiosexuals, I will probably kill their boners really quickly by being a dumb-dumb. Actually, I seem to have acquired a serious boner-killing trait. I think I am shit at flirting now which is odd because I think I used to be good at it, but I am realising that I may just have been good at saying "wanna fuck" right off the bat. In any case, by far the biggest difference now is the sheer number of people who identify as poly. This is not a bad thing. It's not. It's not.

*It's...not.*

Except there are some new poly stereotypes we may have to defend against now. First of all, it seems like there's been a major surge in "wanna have a threeway" poly. "Wanna have a threeway" poly is to polyamory what "vodka bisexuality" is to homosexuality. Indulgence in the dark, denial in the day. Although unicorn hunting was always common (and it's also kinda okay), the fact that they are identifying as poly is a bit new which, I guess, is also okay? I mean, labels don't mean anything right? What a ludicrous expectation it is to think words should have meaning!

And speaking of words that have lost all meaning, the word "interesting" now needs to be removed from the dictionary. Every fucking profile reads "please be interesting". The following are some of the ways in which you can be interesting on dating apps:

- Never respond to people immediately. Interesting people don't actually use the technology they get on to use.
- Reference reddit a lot. It's the source of all knowledge (and 80% of my nightmares).
- Have a niche hobby. Make soap. Brew your own beer. Something rich. Or collect strands of hair from previous lovers. Okay maybe not that one. Although, if you do that one, wanna date?
- This one has been horiffically going on for a while: trauma.
- Be commitment phobic. Don't ask me why, I'm just the messenger. Don't tell them why either. Maintain an air mystery around your fear of intimacy, demand everything you would get in a relationship and then refuse to call it one.
- Last year introversion was interesting, but the introverts have now left the house so I am not sure what is interesting anymore. Didn't see many people describe themselves as extroverts either. You know, it's your Meyers-Briggs result that is interesting now, but I seem to have caught the tail-end of that trend too. I wonder what is next.
- Being poly.

Poly keeps coming up again and again. I have had at least seven conversations in which someone tried to explain to me why poly was the more rational choice for human beings and it's like, cool story bro? I, personally, cannot wait for this aspiration to rationality to end, or get a lot more entertaining. I am so suspicious of a personal identity that has to denigrate the choices of others in order to validate itself.  Are you sure what you are is poly and not insecure? Also, another new poly trend that I did not see coming. I am not sure how to explain it, it's as if the word poly means the ability to be ethically emotionally unavailable to twelve people at a time (and sometimes simultaneously available to just one, but they aren't your primary partner, because if they were you couldn't describe yourself as "solo poly" and that seems like it is important to people right now). Sometimes it also means, "in a relationship but allowed to be on dating apps unless I actually meet someone and then my partner will become progressively less chill about this and I will have to ghost you or cheat on them." The first one is more fascinating. Somehow the inherent "rationality" of polyamory (also, everyone says ethical non-monogamy now, but they may mean the same vague thing they mean when they say poly) has led to the conclusion that poly relationships must also be had rationally and therefore, coldly. I am not sure that the logic tracks, but they're not sure what logic is so what the hell.

In other news that will shock absolutely no one, cis het men will still say anything to get laid. *I'm a dom but a sub if you want, hell I'll be a walrus if that's what floats your boat.* Bisexual women who are "exploring" will still tell you five minutes into the conversation that they can only fuck you of their male partner can be there too and while we're at it, this is just about sex, they're still not into the whole "let's have an actual relationship that isn't about the male gaze and might just be as real as any heterosexual relationship and does not need to be brandished for validity but be totally hollow in actuality." So that one, I have had an increasing issue with for a while, but it's at peak now. I didn't think I cared so much, I figured it was just annoying that I had to filter out the hetero-romantic bisexuals but after having a front-row seat to some heavy performative bisexuality this year, my patience runneth thin. My feelings about this grow more complex each year. On the one hand, I totally understand there are people who are afraid of or unable to live who they are so they have kept themselves from exploring it for ages because it is safer. I know how our society enables that. I get why when and if you do explore, you cannot do the thing where you have an actual relationship with a person who is not the "opposite" sex but having been the "secret" person on many occasions in my life, it's hard not to be a little bitter. And it is bitterness, thoroughly irrational, I am unworthy of my poly status.

It's hard not to become a little restrictive in terms of your criteria. I am not against anymore exploring or discovering themselves, I am against going through the hurt of them finding out they were always going to choose heterosexuality and see this relationship as more of a "friendship with orgasms and sexy pics." I am wholly done with being the wild thing you do when you are 25 so you can sleep knowing you have lived at 45. I am truly done with the idea that women having sex with women is a hot, wild trope (except when it is actually gay/bi/pan women using it to financially exploit the male gaze, that I am fine with). Sorry, this got too serious.

On a lighter note, the app hopping is exhausting, you guys. It's unnecessary and entirely too much. We're going through five-step digital verifications to clear levels of compatibility here. It used to be: app, phone number, meet. Now it's app, snapchat/instagram, telegram/signal, WhatsApp/imessage, zoom, meet (like, maybe, if I don't feel like cancelling five minutes before we planned to, because that's the world now). I do not have enough internet conversation for all of these places, nor most of these apps. Why are we doing this? Why are we hopping from server to server? Whyyyyy? No one likes innuendo-laden banter that much, come on!

All that being said, the bar for being a good partner is ridiculously low right now. I know this more from my girlfriend's interactions on dating apps and with dating than mine, she is a much more brave individual than I am. Honestly if you don't flake, actually express your feelings as and when you have them, express the slightest interest in the other person, you're golden in 2022. I get so much cred for just never being late for calls/dates or ensuring I keep scheduling communication with a person I genuinely like, it would be sad, if it wasn't a gold star and I wasn't a sucker for approval.

The biggest difference for me on dating apps this year has been that it resulted in no dates. Usually, I will meet and fuck at least a couple of people, but I am strongly inclined to start doing that in the meatverse again. Or just, not doing it, maybe. I am the annoying person on dating apps now, the one who has no intentions of ever fucking you and makes you wonder what the fuck I am even doing there. I am wondering as well. And leaving, I swear. I am sorry for bugging all of you people just trying to do your thing. You are the same as ever. The same apps. The same people.

I must question.

Have the apps changed, or have I?