Rudon's Plane
Added 2025-01-08 18:00:11 +0000 UTCA short story I wrote on and off over several years. Now finally complete more or less though if you have any suggestions or criticisms feel free to tell me in the comments below. Warning: this is a bit of a longer one.
Comments
Thanks for the detailed comment! I will look at The Tartar Steppe, I had not heard of it before.
SolarSands
2025-01-29 18:31:43 +0000 UTCWhat? Only one comment on this? I thought I wouldn't post anything on it because my comment would just drown in the multitude of comments. But here we are, 20 days later, only the second comment here. I read the story in 2 sittings. I would have done it one, but the kiddo had another book she wanted to read :) I was glued to it. A plot that places a great unknown in front of you has an understandable draw. You always want to know what you'll find after the next corner, in the next mile you walk in darkness. Your short story reminded me of Dino Buzzati's The Tartar Steppe. The bore, the drawn out resolution, the internal monologues, the expectation, the hopes, the fizzle. I agree with Sullivan on the characterization. It felt a little forced and couldn't easily understand/empathize with the protagonist. Moreover, it felt that the initial setup, the society described lacked some reason or logic. Why would this society have a problem building a bike, but didn't have issues with food or water? I feel that the setup needed a bit more grounding, and more limits so the motivations, actions and the story after become more believable. Keep it up. I love your work on YouTube and I was thrilled to read something from you.
Vlad M
2025-01-29 09:21:06 +0000 UTCThank you for the feedback! I like your commentary on the characters gave me some connections I hadn't thought of before.
SolarSands
2025-01-10 18:38:11 +0000 UTCNow, I'm somebody roughly equivalent to nobody, but I thought it was quite the compelling read. As a fan of your work generally, I'll admit some bias. But I found it well-paced, with my interest maintained through even the "low" points, plotwise. It definitely felt plot driven, which the efficient worldbuilding supports marvelously. Something like sketching the outline and trusting the reader to fill in the gaps, such that time may be spent on crafting the more relevant details. In that vein, I personally found the characterization, especially of the protagonist post-inciting-incident, to be a skosh lacking. There felt like echoes of a beautiful idea, where overdue reflection later is heightened by the earlier... apathy? I would have loved to see that developed a little more, as that reflection is only very briefly mentioned at the end. To be very clear, the story stands on its own plenty fine without, but I thought it so I said it. Another minor note (potential spoiler?), perhaps just because of my personal simplicity, but the paragraph starting "I think it's best you know a little bit about the Dogger family." led me to some degree of confusion. Previously, the victim (as yet unnamed) was implied to make a recovery, and immediately prior to that line, they were discussing Rudon becoming an apprentice to someone in Luceron. Thus, when the "Dogger" name is finally dropped, I thought it was a bit of a twist. Like "Oh shit, this kid lives, but he's gonna go work for these other people and kill their kid", and it took me longer than I'd like to admit to figured out what was actually meant. Just the way it all read in one go. Again, possibly just me, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Thought the Altman character was great though, the dramatic irony of knowing the outcome really colored our reading of him in a very interesting way. Again, would love more characterization, (I found his motivation(s) difficult to divine) but that's easier said than done. Apologies for the lengthy comment. Hopefully it's taken less as a sign of how important I think I am and more how engaging the story was. I appreciate you posting it!
Sullivan Figurskey
2025-01-10 18:28:14 +0000 UTC
