Ancilla L

Sadists Made Me Believe In Magic.

When I was younger, I was extremely attracted to anger. I’m not an angry person myself, it takes a lot to stoke my ire, nor am I fond of angry people, anger was a means to an end for me. As a child, I learnt that anger led to my father beating my mother, and when my parents beat me, it was usually rage-induced, so I figured, if I wanted to be beaten, I had to make people angry. ...

Podcast E74: 10 Communication Mistakes You Might Be Making.

This episode is public for 24-hours only. You know the drill.

Tiny Pathetic Cock.

His hands wander so close. They graze over the pit of my abdomen and the insides of my thighs, never quite making contact with the cunt between my legs, but always making it seem like they might. Each time he strokes my skin, I feel myself clench and as soon as I do, the right side of my belly cramps into the familiar knot of shame, pain and desire that I have come to associate with arou...

An Intimate Distance.

As I look up, I notice there are tears rolling down her cheeks, but I wouldn’t say that she is crying. There is nothing active about it. Despite the apparent displeasure of this state of being, it seems like she is comfortable in it, like it required no catalyst to cause this reaction, nor would there be any fanfare to putting out the subsequent fire. The structure will either burn...

Podcast E73: 10 Mistakes You May Be Making In Relationships.

Contemplating Ethics.

In the early years of my exploration within the “kink community” I had a few experiences that I have come to view differently over the course of the years. There was the time when I ended a relationship, a very short one, with a man who was making me uncomfortable with his equalisation of being submissive and the patriarchy-dictated role of women in relationships. When I ended the relations...

Podcast E72: In which I am a guest on my own podcast!

That's literally what happened. I let my husband interview me and gave detailed tips on how to conduct a good interview. I am actually qualified to do that, it's not just me talking out of my ass. 

The Relationship HighCast: Impact of Parenting on Relationships

Many things impact relationships, but parenting seems to have a rather large impact on them. In this episode, we discuss the types of impact parenting has on relationships of all kinds. 

The Masochism Sextbook: Full Book!

Hello all! 

This is the full book, The Masochism Sextbook. It is freely available to all my patrons. You can download it but please do not distribute or post anywhere. 

Thank you and enjoy! eH

Precocious Puberty and The Sin Of Growing Up Too Fast.

Precocious puberty is a term I first heard when I eight-years old and seated in front of a fifty-year old endocrinologist. I had absolutely no idea what it meant but I knew that something about getting my period at that age is what had led us there. Prior to that, my body had been something of a concern to my family for a couple of years. In the year that I graduated kindergarten and started el...

The Weight of An Old Soul.

I was dead once. 

A thousand people came every day to my mausoleum.

In airy fabrics and sensible shoes, they perambulated over history,

ruminating over the symbols of my massacred mystery.  

Desperate to absorb culture from marble,

And pieces of Turkish turquoise embed...

The Perfectly Broken Girl.

There was something broken about me around him.

I never raised my voice at him. I never forgot what he had told me to do. I never failed at conforming to the ideals of behaviour that he had set for me. Whether it related to what he wanted me to wear or who he wanted me to fuck, I never said no. I remember one summer afternoon, I went over to his place after school. I was in my ...

The Masochism Sextbook: Chapter 1.

The Masochism Sextbook is a book about the exploration, comprehension and practise of masochism. The first chapter is being exclusively released to my patrons. I will release all chapters on Patreon by the end of the month and they will remain freely accessible to subscribers forever. You can download the first chapter at the link below.  Do not plagiarise, do not distribute, do not sell, ...

One Man Leads To Another.

The first time I cried during sex was the second time I had sex. Or to be more accurate, the second time sex was had with me. They weren't accidental tears that just roll off the cheek in a streak like the ones you get when you have your nose pierced, but the kind of tears that come out of you aided by the physical act of crying. Retrospectively, I can say there were a lot...

Podcast E71: 10 Mistakes You May Be Making As A Dominant.

In continuation of the "10 Mistakes" series, I am discussing dominant mistakes in this episode (and I had a shit tonne of fun doing it). 

Class Notes: Effective Sadism.

Workbooks, notes and hand-outs from all my classes are available for download for my Patreons. Please, do not disseminate. CC

The Relationship HighCast: Episode 7: Change in relationships.

What happens when people change in relationships? What kind of change hinders relationships? How is our relationship with change determined and how does that impact the relationships in our lives? We discuss. 

The Performance Of Sexuality.

A few years ago, I stopped attending any play-parties. It was partly because of a few bad experiences with boundaries but mostly because there was something about playing in public in that capacity that wasn’t working for me. It wasn’t an issue borne from trepidation or bashfulness, I only do shy if I am being paid to do it, it was because I couldn’t really figure out *why* I was playing ...

Podcast E70: The Ethics of Being A Kink Educator.

There is much to discuss on this front and I have some questions. 

Contextualisation as a survival mechanism.

Yesterday, during a conversation about how we develop physical boundaries through life, my therapist asked me if I understood the difference between a good touch and a bad touch. Immediately, it made me laugh, because I felt like she thought I was five, but also because, it felt like such a simplistic question given what we had been previously discussing. Before I started ...

What The Kink? A Compilation.

I have compiled an introductory book of personal essays on BDSM that is available for free for download for my Patrons. 

Please Don't Beat Me, Anymore.

Content Warning; Consensual Non-consent, Total Power Exchange and General Morbidity.

.....

I can see him accumulate an arsenal of implements on the bed but my brain is too foggy to internalise what is happening. I understand, completely, that he is putting these things out to hit me, but absolutely no part of me is willing to acknowledge that possibility as real. I’m not ba...

Podcast E69: 10 Mistakes You May Be Making As A Masochist.

This episode is public for 24-hours only.  

The Relationship HighCast: Bonus Episode: Love

This Patrons-only epsiode of The Relationship HighCast is about love and it is as whimsical as it should have been. 

Why did you tell me you love me while I was hurting you?

'Why did you tell me you love me when I was hurting you?'

You asked. 

And I realised, 

I had been waiting for the question, for a long time.

'Which time?' 

I asked. 

Because I have been rehearsing my answers, for longer than I realised. 

It is funny how...

Podcast E68: Weddings, Food and Culture.

My sister is getting married and it's making me break into lectures! 

I am a sexual educator because of my mother.

My mother is a complicated person. For a long time, I have had two relationships with her. One relationship as parent and child and the other as two women who respect each other. The first relationship is complicated and dark, the second, while also complicated, is inspirational. This is about the second relationship.

Perhaps some cultural context is necessary to understand her. She gre...

The Politics of Exploitative Homemaking.

In a discussion with a doctor about some unexpected health issues that I was facing, I alluded to the possibility of stress being a factor.

“I suppose my work has gotten more stressful over the past year,” I said, “I think that happens when you turn thirty.”

“This is no age for you to be stressed,” he responded, “You are young, stress is about responsibility, at your...

Sharps Play: A Guide.

The handout from my sharps play workshop. Please feel free to download and read, please do not feel free to disseminate or repurpose. 

Building Your Kink-Palace on Half-Knowledge Is Like Diving Into The Ocean Having Learnt To Swim In A Bucket.

Let me tell you a fun story about a bizarre institute. A part of its program promises to teach its students to swim but they cannot afford a pool, nor to hire swim coaches, so when they enlist students, alongside the other course material, they issue to each one: a small bucket, a raised wooden plank and swim goggles. In the summer, in the vast expanse of their playground, you can see hundreds ...